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Happy Halloween, Now Get Off My Lawn

It's apparently election time around here, judging from the fact that when I drove through my neighbor's yard on my way to my driveway late last night, I wound up pulling a couple of brightly colored signs out of my hubcaps. My new column at The Examiner is up, where I make my NFL picks for the week, make jokes about Snoop Dogg, and also throw down some thoughts on the election. Check it out here, comments always welcome on the site.

Happy Halloween to everyone. As always, I'd like to take this moment to make my annual plea to middle-aged guys everywhere.

Please. Stop dressing up as KISS every Halloween.

Seriously, guys. For the love of the Phantom of the Park, please stop. Even Gene Simmons can't pull that look off anymore. We yield to your Love Gun, just put on some khakis or something.

For you ladies, I'd like to salute you on your choices, since it seems that 90% of the costumes I see are simply slutty versions of regular professions. Slutty nurse, slutty secretary, slutty cop, sluttier hooker, etc. Nicely done.

To the folks in my neighborhood, I'd like to ask you where the line is for trick-or-treaters. When the kids are driving themselves to your house and carrying pillowcases for the loot, I think they're too old. Any time a teenager shows up at my door in some semblance of a costume that was applied in less than thirty seconds and demands candy, that's just extortion.

I'm cutting the lights off at seven and sitting in the dark eating candy, myself. Feel free to join me. I leave you with my favorite Halloween line, from my friend Jarrett.

"I went to a Halloween haunted house. They had Jimmy Fallon there doing standup. It was horrifying."

blogified by Reid @ 10/31/2008 04:15:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Truths, Halftruths, and Lies...Revealed!

After posting these nine truths with one big lie in the middle on my blog, plus a few other places including my MySpace blog, not a single person was able to correct identify on which statement I was completely full of crap. I'm not sure that's a good thing, or just an indication that my dorkiness is legendary.

Anyway, here's the skinny.

1. I have fallen asleep in a job interview.
-- True. It was a job designing headstones, and I was working 4a-1p. I nodded right out in the middle of the sales pitch.

2. I have shot footage that has been the lead story on national newscasts,
including CNN.

-- True. The Smith County Courthouse Shooting took place a block from our TV station, and I was the first person with a camera on scene. In fact, if you look at that Wikipedia page, the image of the cop on the hood of the car is from the footage I shot.

3. After discovering Dungeons and Dragons as a kid, I read the entire "Lord of the Rings" trilogy over a two week family vacation.
-- This is the false one. I have never read any of the the "Lord of the Rings" books, nor have I seen the movies. I'm just not interested in that sort of thing at all.

4. Although not a regular golfer, I once came within one hole of shattering a course record.
-- True, it was at a charity Putt-Putt event. I was four strokes under the course record going into the final hole, then I "Tin Cupped" it and wound up three strokes over. My putts actually left the course twice.

5. I was once the lead interview on "Larry King Live."
-- True. I broke the story on Deanna Laney, and was on LKL the next night.

6. I was once scholastically ineligible for any extracurricular activity for twelve months straight in high school.
-- True. We moved my junior year, and I moved back and lived with a friend's family for my senior year of high school. Because my parents didn't live there, I was ineligible to play football or do anything outside school.

7. I once took a roadtrip to Indianapolis with six people I had never met before.
-- True. I had a flight rained out from Chicago to Columbus, and had to split a rental car with anybody I could find. The guy who drove us through the storm was from California, and had never driven in heavy rain before. It was terrifying, but I made it to Indy where Lovely Wife Kimberly was able to pick me up.

8. I was once unconscious for 48 hours.
-- True, I was hit by a car when I was 10. Went out on a Saturday, woke up in the hospital on Monday. Explains a lot, doesn't it?

9. I was accepted into the music program at the prestigious University of North Texas twice, but never attended.
-- True. I was but a poor white boy, and couldn't raise the money to attend. I wound up working my way through college instead.

10. I have driven a company vehicle to a job interview at another company.
-- True. While doing a live show for one station, the general manager called up two minutes before I was to go on the air and reminded me he was generally unfit to be a mammal, much less to be in charge of my livelihood. While I was on the air, another station called me about another position, so I just drove over there when I was finished, and took the job. I gave my notice when I brought the van back to the station.

blogified by Reid @ 10/30/2008 12:02:00 AM  1 comments links to this post


Truths, Halftruths, and Lies

For a new internet meme, I have been challenged to come up with ten facts about myself. Nine of these are true, one of them is not. Can you tell which one is false?

1. I have fallen asleep in a job interview.
2. I have shot footage that has been the lead story on national newscasts, including CNN.
3. After discovering Dungeons and Dragons as a kid, I read the entire "Lord of the Rings" trilogy over a two week family vacation.
4. Although not a regular golfer, I once came within one hole of shattering a course record.
5. I was once the lead interview on "Larry King Live."
6. I was once scholastically ineligible for any extracurricular activity for twelve months straight in high school.
7. I once took a roadtrip to Indianapolis with six people I had never met before.
8. I was once unconscious for 48 hours.
9. I was accepted into the music program at the prestigious University of North Texas twice, but never attended.
10. I have driven a company vehicle to a job interview at another company.

Which one of these things is not true? Answers later this week.

blogified by Reid @ 10/28/2008 01:32:00 AM  5 comments links to this post


Viagra On The Lunchtime Menu

I went out to eat last week with Lovely Wife Kimberly and my parents. We went to a local bean and burger joint called "Daniel Boone's." It's the kind of place where everything on the menu is misspelled and although you can't be certain, you think it's on purpose.

Pretty much every dish there is fried or covered in gravy, or both. It's good eating for lunch, especially if your afternoon plans involve pulling a plow or laying railroad ties.

Anyway, once the meal was finished the waitress left the receipt and a pen to sign with.

The pen she dropped off at our table said "Viagra."

I was very confused. Was she doing some kind of endorsement, or was that a suggestion?

Now this restaurant does target older people and families, so maybe it's a natural product placement. Although come to think of it, usually after I finish eating there I'm so full of fried stuff and gravy that I'm much more likely to go take a nap than I am to get my swollen, belching freak on.

I wondered about that for hours. Did I somehow give her the impression I needed a little help? Was I supposed to be erect during the meal? Was she noticing?

I can't help but feel that if I had made some kind of remark during the meal about Viagra, whether positive or negative, I would have opened myself up to a serious harassment lawsuit.

I can see the headlines now...

"Weird TV Guy Tips Waitress With Pecker Jokes"
"Report: Rocket Reid's Randy Rod Riles Restaurant Reba"

I just ignored the pen. Who can afford bad press at a time like this?

blogified by Reid @ 10/27/2008 02:17:00 AM  1 comments links to this post


Muy Bueno

My new columns up over at the Examiner. I've got my NFL picks for the week, a column on Brett Favre's refusal to give any hope whatsoever to the Lions, and what happens when you shower in the same room as the Andromeda Strain.

As Joe Bob says, check it out.

As for my tip of the week, go now. Acquire these. Taco Bueno fajita steak tacos, or something close to that. I wrote the name down, but I couldn't read it later because I used my notepad as a napkin while ordering six more of them. I knocked over three guys, a grandmother, and a den of Boy Scouts to get back to the counter to order more.

Purchase plenty.

blogified by Reid @ 10/23/2008 02:24:00 AM  1 comments links to this post


Playboy, Palin, and the Jerking At The Car Wash Blues

Just catching up from a full weekend of work...

Apparently the economy is so bad, even nudity is not a guaranteed sale anymore. Playboy Magazine is laying off 80 employees. And not the good kind of "laying" either. If we can't count on naked pictures of women to drive the economy, what next? Is free coffee at AA meetings going to drive Budweiser out of business? Even our desperation is getting desperate.

Are those DirectTV "Poltergeist" commercials the unintentionally creepiest ever or what? I don't want to see Craig T. Nelson plugging products to start with, but when you pair him with a little girl that's been dead for twenty years, it gets even worse.

Colin Powell has endorsed Barrack Obama for President. I kept waiting to see the headline on FOX News, "Black Guy Endorses Other Black Guy."

Michigan police have arrested a man for having sex with a vacuum at a car wash. Check out the writeup at The Smoking Gun.com. This guy rode up to the car wash on a bicycle with a pocket full of quarters, just looking for love. I'm not sure what the charge is, but is does make me a bit wary of using the hoses to clean out my car.

The new internet fad is sending out this picture of John McCain from the debate with his tongue sticking out. That seems a bit unnaturally long to me. I think someone from the McCain campaign Photo Shopped it in an attempt to attract the 24-39 year-old female demographic.

US Magazine is reporting that Governor"Palin Makes SNL Debut" I like the way they put that. "Debut" makes it sound like she's going to be a recurring player. Like if the whole politics thing doesn't work out, she'll come back next week and debut her new "Wasilla Girl" character on "SNL Update."

The new James Bond movie, "Quantum of Solace" is coming out next month. I thought the last movie was great, but what the Hell does "Quantum of Solace" mean? That sounds like some kind of Sci-Fi Network movie starring Bruce Boxleitner.

Finally, the longtime host of "Soul Train" was arrested in LA this weekend. Don Cornelius got busted for illegal possession of peace, love, and soul.

blogified by Reid @ 10/21/2008 01:02:00 AM  2 comments links to this post


Shameless Plug, and My Favorite Joke

Quick one for Friday, as Friday night means high school football in East Texas, where we see "Friday Night Lights" as a lighthearted comedy romp.

If you haven't checked out my work over at Examiner.com, by all means mosey on over that way. I've been promoted to one of their National NFL writers, you can find the latest column right here. Even if you're not a sports fan, I promise each and every column will have some piece of sarcasm you can use to your benefit. In today's column, I pick the NFL games while simultaneously working in references to "The Patriot," KISS lyrics, and the legendary Tony Danza. Check it out, comments and subscriptions always welcome.

As for today, I'll leave you with my favorite joke. Actually, it's one of the few actual jokes that I can remember whenever anybody says "say something funny." That's a lot of pressure for an situational improv guy.

Anyway, I'm not a big joke kind of guy, so here's really the only one I ever tell.

Noah's Ark pulls out, and the rain starts to fall. Two Unicorns stand out by the rail, looking out as they pull away.

One says to the other, "What do you think, Dan?"

The other takes a deep breath and says, "Frankly Steve...I think we're screwed."


If you've got a better go-to joke, please share. Have a good weekend, everybody!

blogified by Reid @ 10/17/2008 02:54:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Rich & Shameless

What a wonderful economy we seem to have these days! I'm not exactly certain what happened, but I certainly do appreciate the way my retirement account has bounced to the point where I'm not even certain if I can afford to live in a really nice refrigerator carton anymore, or if I'll have to retire to a cheaper lean-to down by the overpass.

I think this proves conclusively we've learned our lesson from the Great Depression. We all remember the stories of financial executives throwing themselves out of windows. Now no matter how bad they've #^@% the bed, we make sure they get a nice severance package on their way out. It keeps the streets clean of bodies, I suppose.

Kids, if you don't know what the Great Depression was, it was more than just the thing that killed that Kurt Cobain guy. Wikipedia it.

Over at The Street.com, they published an article on the ten reasons you're not rich. Some of them were pretty obvious, so I've decided to help my readers out with some reasons of my own why you might not be rolling in dough.

* You are paying for anything on a weekly basis.

* You currently have a problem with a large unsecured debt obtained in a bar bet.

* After buying rims, your vehicle costs more than your house.


* Addendum: If your vehicle is taller than your house, that's not good either.

* You should not see "shiny teeth coverings" as a major investment.

* When you see the stock market ticker scrolling at the bottom of the screen, it makes you immediately flip over to ESPN to check the college football scores.

* Your portfolio isn't diversified. Don't buy all your ceremonial collectors plates in Elvis. Spread them around, get some Dale Earnhardts.

* With times tough, you have to wait for the Christmas rush to do maintenance on your meth lab.

* All your money goes to your legal team. (OJ only)

* Your plans for "cashing in your retirement account" involve sitting at the kitchen table with a Folgers can full of loose change.

blogified by Reid @ 10/16/2008 02:33:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Sign, Sign, Everywhere A Sign...

















blogified by Reid @ 10/15/2008 03:09:00 AM  1 comments links to this post


Random Friday Thoughts, Pics, and Sarcasms

My new column is up at Examiner.com with my NFL picks for the week, as always, it's not all about sports. Check it out. In other Friday random thoughts...
  • "The Riches" has been canned. Not much of a surprise. I try and watch everything FX puts on, but "The Riches" just didn't stick for me. I love Eddie Izzard as a comedian but not as an actor, and Minnie Driver appearing in something is somewhat akin to spotting an albatross on a long journey. It won't end well.

  • My new bio and pic are up at KLTV.com. If you're going to make fun of my hair, please bring your A game.


  • Idle question. Which is cooler, and by "cooler", I mean, "less dorky"? Civil War reanactors or Medieval Fair geeks?

    I'm going to go with Rennaissance Fair geeks. At least there, people get dressed up to remind themselves of an imaginary world where people could be knights or wizards, and magic could enable dorks to get hot chicks.

  • The ratings were in, and Wednesday night's "Gary Unmarried" and "Private Practice" didn't do well.

    No surprises here, folks. Who's in these shows? Paula Marshall and Taye Diggs. I warned you. Pretty people, cursed TV shows.

  • Finally, have you ever been watching a movie, and you notice a bit of casting so weird, so strange, so blessedly off-kilter that it throws the entire movie off for you? I'm talking about Flea being the hardware store clerk in the remake of "Psycho," or Anthony Michael Hall being in "The Dark Knight," or something to that effect.

    Last night, I'm watching "Silence of the Lambs," and when the SWAT team goes in to get Hannibal Lecter, singer/actor Chris Isaak is one of the lead SWAT team guys getting into the elevator. It ruined the movie for me, I kept wondering what else I hadn't noticed about the flick.

    I was scouring the group scenes for signs of other 90's musicians. Did I miss the Goo Goo Dolls as EMTs? Was that a Blowfish in the FBI classroom? Was that Scott Stapp playing a janitor, or was that actually Scott Stapp cleaning the set?

blogified by Reid @ 10/10/2008 01:43:00 AM  1 comments links to this post


Chick-Fil-A: The Douche That Roared

Last night, Lovely Wife Kimberly and I were eating at Chick-Fil-A. We were out shopping, and stopped in to grab a sandwich. However, we forgot it was "Kids Night," where anyone bringing a screaming child gets a free chicken nuggets kids meal. It seems like the offer was doing a good job of driving traffic to the restaurant, because it was so full of kids I thought the Jonas Brothers were giving away autographed chest hairs in the lobby.

Anyway, while we were eating I overheard what may be the silliest complaint ever. This man, his wife, and two kids were sitting behind me, and an employee walked over to the table to tell them something. Using my powers of observation/eavesdropping, I heard the employee politely apologize and explain to the gentleman that on Tuesday night, every child receives a free four-piece nuggets kids meal when an adult buys a dinner.

This guy was rudely complaining that his boy couldn't get a six-piece meal for free.

He told the poor employee that it wasn't clearly indicated anywhere that the free meal was a four-piece meal, and dismissed her saying he'd take it up with the upper management.

Is that what we've come to? We're complaining because we don't get enough free stuff?

This disgruntled customer, we'll call him "Mr. Douche," continued to complain on and on and on right through rude, then thoughtless, then to the point of comedy. Half of the people at his table ate for free, but that wasn't enough. Meanwhile, my 401(k) account is shrinking like wet cotton candy, and Mr. Douche is upset about fifty cents worth of nuggets.

I was afraid this guy was going to hire a shady lawyer, sue for deprivation of nuggetry, and call me as a witness.

"Have you or someone you know been unjustly denied your full nuggeting privilege? Did your son or daughter have to suffer the indignities of not being completely full of free food? Call me. I'm Brock Biffman, 'The Hammer of Justice." As a semi-licenced attorney, I'm dedicated to getting you your full free meals worth of chicken, regardless of whether or not it was offered.

At Brock Biffman & Associates, we don't get paid...until you get full."


We complain about the stupidest stuff sometimes. This Chick-Fil-A offers a "Kids Night" where kids not only get free food, but also get to play in their playground, a giant human hamster habitrail where kids can climb, run, and generally exhaust themselves. It's not like your standard terrifying fast food ball pit, all full of human waste and pointy things. It's really nice. If they had a night where they let adults run around in it without fear of societal scorn, I'd be there every week.

The worst thing about the situation was that this guy was sitting here complaining loudly in front of his kids. Little Billy and Bonnie were hearing Daddy rage about the injustices of only getting four nuggets for free instead of six, and you know that's going to warp their little minds.

Fifteen years from now when bodies start showing up in my town, bludgeoned to death and left in an alley with two pieces of chicken left behind as a calling card, perhaps I'll be the only one who can solve the mystery of "The Mad Nuggeter."

This was one of those moments I really wished I wasn't a public figure. I would have just walked up to the table and handed the guy a pair of nuggets, and saved his kids a lifetime of therapy.

"Pardon me for interrupting, but I thought I might be of service. Here are two nuggets for each of your children, along with an array of sauces and dips for your perusal. There is justice in this world, children, but you won't find it in a deep frier. Never stop seeking it."

And then I would turn on my heels, and make a dramatic exit, stage right.

blogified by Reid @ 10/08/2008 01:00:00 AM  8 comments links to this post


Motivational Speakers

The concept of this profession just completely eludes me. These people get money to tell you what they're doing in their own lives. Does this ever work? All I ever do is figure out if they're going to tell me how to be a Motivational Speaker myself, so I can pick up their speaking fee.

If you want to motivate your employees, don't pay some recently fired football coach fifty grand to come talk for a half hour about getting up at dawn and staying late. They have a lifespan of about eight years, and no family life to speak of.

Why would you hire a college football coach to tell you how to run your business? What did he learn by recruiting steroid-infused domestic batterers, and how will it affect our 3rd quarter profits?

Cash the fifty thousand in small bills, and then you let your employees fight over it. Last man standing is employee of the year.

Honestly, if motivation is so important, why should we waste it on work? Why can't I get motivated to daydream? Or to get my life in order? Or to get another job?

Everyone is not a winner, folks. That's why we have winners. Be perfectly okay with spending time with your loved ones, and not making money for people farther up the corporate ladder.

Motivational Speakers will tell you that Abraham Lincoln entered the Blackhawk War a captain, and came out a private. And he failed nine times. And it turned out okay for him.

Except for the whole "getting murdered" thing, that is.

blogified by Reid @ 10/06/2008 12:58:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Friday Search Party

Before I forget, there's some new columns up on the Examiner site. At "Pickin' Ain't Easy," I make my predictions for the NFL week, while simultaneously working in jokes about Britney Spears, Bill Maher, and Howie Mandel. As Joe Bob says, check it out.

I've got a site counter on Reid About It that tells you not only how many people visit the site, but how they are referred to it. I'm always intrigued by the things people are looking for when they find my page. Here's a few samples.

"john cusack radio over head" - What a lovely image that is from "Say Anything." Nowdays, they'd haul him in for stalking, and he'd have a harassment charge hanging over him for the rest of his life.

"solsbury hill bikini contest" - Thanks for ruining a perfect good Peter Gabriel song for me.

"jennie garth archive" - If such a thing exists, it's probably on the Lifetime website.

"who narrates beef it's what's for dinner" - It's Sam Elliott. How long has it been since you've seen Road House? Well, that's too long.

"sleeping with the babysitter" - I'm not sure what this person was searching for, but I'll just say I'm intrigued by whatever they were hoping to find.

"assholes without borders" - I made that one up here.

"actors blue urine" - No idea what this means, but I'm curious myself. That doesn't sound at all normal.

"how to install my own stripper pole at home in an apartment" - Two things, first call me. And second, a stripper pole is probably something you want to wait to install until you get a house.

"50 ways to leave your lover worst songs ever" - I agreed here.

"shirtless david caruso" - That's not only disconcerting, but also oddly specific.

"misshapen moles" - I'm going to go ahead and apologize to whatever poor soul found my site searching for help with a possible skin cancer, and instead had to put up with me cracking wise about Wal-Mart.

blogified by Reid @ 10/03/2008 01:04:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Urine Love

Lance Armstrong has announced he's returning to the Tour de France, but France's anti-doping agency has challenged him to have his urine samples from 1999 retested.

Apparently they think he was using something then that they can only detect with modern technology, so they want to retest his sample.

See, this is a good reason why no one takes cycling seriously. Any activity that involves saving your own urine for nine years isn't a sport, it's a biohazard. Nobody's asking to check out Trent Dilfer crap from Super Bowl XXXV to make sure he was clean. Michael Jordan has more than his share of memorabilia, but nobody's keeping a sample of his piss, just in case.

blogified by Reid @ 10/02/2008 01:16:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Cops: Cows, or To Moo The Truth

Sometimes there's not much I can do other than present the facts to you, my intrepid readers. So here goes, I present to you a woman arrested for disorderly conduct while wearing a cowsuit.

Seriously.

I blame this one on the economy. You can't get a loan for anything, nobody's hiring, the depression is hitting...why not get hammered, don a cow suit, and set about disturbing the neighborhood?

I'm not sure which is my favorite part of this story, although thoughts of the Bovine Avenger urinating on her neighbor's front porch bring to mind a half-dozen "teet" jokes. I also enjoy that the police report "did not speculate as to why Allen was wearing the cow suit."

Really, what reason could they infer? Mad Cow Disease? She forgot to get her Moo shot?

This is an occasion that just begs for puns, people. Don't feel guilty about using them.

blogified by Reid @ 10/01/2008 12:13:00 AM  2 comments links to this post