Reid About It

I was flipping through some circulars in my 45-pound Sunday paper, and I noticed that cell phones have really gotten way too sophisticated for their own good.

I appreciate the bells and whistles, but I don't really need a cell phone that keeps the name and number of everyone I've ever known. I'd really prefer a hard copy of that. My address book never runs out of batteries, and I rarely risk dropping it into the toilet on road trips.

I just want a cell phone that can make calls to other people, and on occasion, receive them from those people. It doesn't have to glow, or ring with the sound of "My Humps". I don't need it to double as a laser pointer, a compass, and a TIVO.

I don't need a phone that automatically calls ahead for reservations, schedules oil changes, and surfs the internet for my own favorite types of porn without asking. My phone doesn't have to remind me of bank holidays, my blood type, or which lies I've told to friends.

I'd like a phone that has reliable service, even in areas with trees. It doesn't have to serve as a remote control, global positioning system, toaster oven, analgesic balm dispenser, English-to-Chinese translator, dildo, breatholyzer, magic wand, meat tenderizer, and fold-out-umbrella.

I just want it to ring, and be able to hear the voice of another person coming through the tiny speaker. That's all.