Airline delays hit a new record in 2006. The airline companies blame year-long bad weather for the problems, which had flights delayed for a record 22.1 million minutes. The worst thing? Most of those were accumulated by a single flight I took from Chicago to Houston, which was scheduled to leave June 7, 2006, and is still at the gate. I'm paying a guy $30 a day to wait at O'Hare and call me when we're supposed to start boarding.
The big story all day yesterday on sports radio (and the news) was 2006 Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro being put down, due to a broken leg.
To start with, let me say that I am an animal lover. I say this not to make light of the plight of the horse, I have no problem with horses even though most of the ones I've met seemed to be giant smelly beasts who hated me.
Anyway, thanks for the all-day wall-to-wall coverage guys, but here's a newsflash.
It's a horse.
It's just a horse. They didn't put down Michael Jordan. It's a news story, sure, but it's not the lead. ESPN approached the story like Peyton Manning had just been arrested for picking up teenagers on MySpace.
If ESPN didn't keep telling us who the Derby winner was last year, 98% of people wouldn't know, and the other 2% only remember because they either won or lost money on the race.
Horse racing isn't a sport anymore, it's just an activity to bet on. Craps, roulette, and Lotto aren't sports, neither is horse racing. The vast majority of people only see horse racing as an occasional way to donate money to the mob. It's like the lottery for rich people and organized crime figures.
If you disagree with the 2006 Kentucky Derby winner's death not being the top story, riddle me this. Where is the 2005 Kentucky Derby winner? Signing autographs and hoofprints at a card show somewhere in Georgia? Does anybody know?
Say what you want, but I prefer to watch a sport where the athletes know they're competing.
According to USA TODAY, Seventy-one year-old Richard Simmons of Rhode Island is recovering after slicing through nearly 80% of his right leg while cutting brush, then dragging himself the distance of three football fields to get back to his house and call for help. I just this story of an example of the difference in generations. This senior citizen pulled himself to safety after nearly severing his leg. I got winded while typing this story, and had to have a glass of lemonade to finish. Just goes to show, I guess.
Ronald Dotson, a 39 year-old man who has acknowledged a sexual fetish for female mannequins, was sentenced to a year in prison after repeatedly breaking into storefront windows. Weird on so many levels, eh? Even discounting the strangeness of the fetish, this guy's got to be an idiot. If mannequins make you hot, just go buy one. Or two, or whatever.
I firmly support his right to be insanely freaky in his own house with his imaginary Kim Catrall. The problem is when he starts breaking in other places. He's probably got a mannequin wife and two plastic pretend kids at home. What's he doing up at all hours, trolling the mall for that magic moment when the new fashions come in?
Donald Trump wants his new Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey to host the U.S. Open, according to a report from USA Today.
Oh, good Lord. Just stop, Donald.
I was hoping that him administering the deathblow to his own USFL twenty years ago would have prevented him from meddling in the affairs of sports again. The only good thing about Trump playing golf is that he would have to design some kind of specially-reinforced golf cap synthesized from futuristic polymers that could contain that bioengineered rug he's got on top. The technological advances could usher in a new Golden Age.
When asked whether Mark McGwire should be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, President and former Texas Rangers owner George Bush said "I don't have a vote." He then went on to say that while he couldn't vote on the honor, he did have the power to have McGwire's phone tapped, place him on a "no fly" list, or award him a no-bid multimilion dollar contract for cleanup in Iraq.
ABC: After School Special -- "Mrs. LeTourneau's Creepy Extra Credit Assignment" CBS: Two-And-A-Half Men: Charlie and Alan discuss with Jake how it's possible that their show has been on for four years, and yet no one has any memories of ever watching it. CBS: CSI: Des Moines NBC: ER -- For the 13th consecutive year, horrible things happen at County General Hospital, which must have been built on an Indian burial ground or something. NBC: Studio 60 -- People talk a lot. FOX: Family Guy -- Peter equates Brian's rabies with the time he worked as P-Diddy's pool cleaner. MTV: Pimp My Mom VH1: I Love Last Week ESPN: World's Strongest Granny (repeat) NFL NETWORK: Fashion Week -- examines Terrell Owens' pimp hat and Al Davis's extensive collection of black velour jumpsuits. E: True Hollywood Story -- Examines the tragic fate of the guy who came up with the "Behind The Music" concept. BRAVO: Inside The Actor's Studio -- Examines Christopher Walken's career, from up and coming weirdo to highly respected creepy bastard. TRAVEL: "Branson, Wal-Mart's Las Vegas" FOOD: "Cooking for Bulemics" F/X: Nip/Tuck -- Midget sex. Nothing but midget sex.
I am a huge fan of 24. I watch the DVD's in six-hour increments, I called in sick for the season premiere, and I have sent my Congressman an official request to make Jack Bauer's birthday a national holiday.
But, let's be honest, haven't we seen this before? We're four hours into this season, and already I feel like we're watching a "Best Of" show from the first five seasons. Here's what we've got.
There's a bad guy who's unveiling his gambit, piece by piece, and his evil plan is revealed to be the tip of the iceberg, a mere diversion for something far more dangerous.
There's a bad guy hiding in a suburban American family, with non-Muslim families struggling with prejudice.
There's a power struggle at CTU.
Nobody believes Jack, even though he's never been wrong in the six years the show has been on the air.
There's a bad guy that Jack trails who kills himself before he can be interrogated, leaving the good guys without a lead to the next bad guy.
There's another bad guy who they desperately need to get information from who gets killed in a firefight with CTU, even while Jack is shouting for them to stop firing.
And in the first four-hour block, one of the terrorist plans actually works, setting the tone for the rest of the season that "anything could happen."
I got some smack against me a while back when I listed Jackass on my Funniest Movies Of All Time list. If you look down on that kind of humor, then here's the challenge.
Watch this video (as seen on Kimmel last night) and don't laugh. Go on, I dare you.
By the way, is YouTube the greatest invention ever or what? you can find anything on there. In fact, when I was logging on to YouTube, I was able to find video of me logging on to YouTube on there. That site is amazing!
Lindsay Lohan is apparently dating 33-year-old Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis. Friends of Lindsay say Francis was with her when she got her appendix removed two weeks ago and that the two are serious enough that they planned to go on a mini-vacation over the weekend at Francis' Mexican estate but cancelled because "neither of them could resist the lure of the Golden Globe parties."
I'll have to admit, Lindsay dating a low-rent pornographer means her career is about ten years ahead of where I thought it would be. I figured that would come next decade, after her comeback album sells a few dozen copies and just before her "stolen" sex tape makes the rounds.
CLINTON, MS -- I was in Mississippi for a basketball game this weekend at Mississippi College.
One of these pictures is of their gym, Wood Coliseum. The other picture is of the Legion Of Doom's headquarters from the Super Friends cartoons of the 70's.
CLINTON, MISSISSIPPI -- Not having much of a good time here across the mighty Mississip. Travelling here on business, I've been stationed at the motel that time forgot.
This is the TV in my room. This TV will not respond to either of the freshly-batteried remotes they have given me. I have given up because without the remote, I only get seven channels, none of which seems to be a network channel or ESPN. In fact, it seems like I only get the Weather Channel, The Shopping Network, and whatever the Hell channel shows reruns of "Dharma And Greg" constantly.
Here's the fine computer hutch/kitchen table/only place in the entire room to put anything down that's not the floor. There is a wireless network here, but it doesn't work. They told me there is an internet connection to hardwire a cable into in the room. you can see it in the corner behind it. In actuality, their purported "internet cable" is just a phone jack that's not hooked up to anything. As you can see, there's a screw halfway taken out of the wall, as if some previous marooned tenant had tried to claw a hole in the wall with his bare hands and dig his way to some kind of entertainment.
Mississippi's slogan is "It's Just Like Coming Home." I guess that's true if you live somewhere without TV or the internet, in which case you're still probably going out in your yard to take a crap.
Can't wait for the motel's continental breakfast tomorrow. Might be squirrel-on-a-stick.
A friend sent me this list of Bravo's Top Ten Comedies. Here's Bravo's best.
10. Arthur 9. Blazing Saddles 8. The Wedding Singer 7. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective 6. Airplane 5. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut 4. There's Something About Mary 3. Shrek 2. Caddyshack 1. Animal House
Here's the top ten list I came up with.
Honorable Mention: Jackass. It's not a real comedy, but it's funny, damned if I can explain why.
10. Caddyshack 9. Old School 8. Young Frankenstein 7. This Is Spinal Tap 6. It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World 5. South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut 4. Animal House 3. Groundhog Day 2. Airplane 1. Blazing Saddles
JACKSON, TN -- There's a stretch of highway 32 here called "Music Highway." I know it's accurate, because while driving through there I saw Aaron Tippin picking up trash by the side of the road.
Seriously, what happened to that guy? He had a redneck patriotic act going on, and Toby Keith just swooped in and stole his audience and just left him there, standing behind in his sleeveless shirt sleeves.
Really, dude. I don't care how big your guns were, Mr. Tippin. Wear some sleeves for once. You know what comes with massive guns and sleeveless shirts?
ABILENE, TX -- You know how Las Vegas has the slogan "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?" Well, Abilene's slogan is "What happens in Abilene is probably never worth mentioning again."
One of my friends is having her birthday here on the road in Abilene today. I think that qualifies her for some kind of government grant.
ABILENE, TEXAS -- I spent last night in a hotel in Abilene, Texas. In the restaurant portion of the hotel, there was an eight foot tall monument depicting the ten commandments. That was really a bother to me, because I had planned to steal the soap, build a graven image out of the butter pats in the cafe, and covet my neighbor's oxcart while I was there.
