Rapper Eminem is being sued by a guy who claims he got punched by Em in a strip club back in 2006.
No offense, but this would probably have been a better lawsuit to file immediately. Em hasn't had a hit in five years, and rappers aren't really renowed for hanging on to their royalty money. At this point, all the court might be able to award you is a pair of sneakers and a notebook filled with lyrics about killing his ex-wife.
This is like me waiting to sue one of those Hanson punks for spilling a drink on me back in 1998. There's a statute of limitations there.
Like many of you, I sell things on EBay from time to time. For the last couple of days, I've had quite a lot of unintentional fun with something I listed. I sold a portable radio, the kind they use in ambulances. I admittedly know nothing about the specifics of the radio, so I clearly wrote in the auction "I'm not familiar with all of the details on the radio, frequencies, etc..." and included several pictures of the radio and the settings and frequency ranges, so people who knew more about it could examine it and see if it was what they were looking for.
Apparently, I got a winning bidder who couldn't read so well. It starts with this.
NoGED81: I want my monet back! this radio does not work . had promgamed does not talk to my radios
Not sure what he's asking, or why it's my fault. Or worse yet, why he wants his "Monet" back. I didn't even know he had sent me art. Time for a polite, businesslike response.
Me: I don't understand what you're saying. You're saying the radio works and you programmed it, but it doesn't talk to your other radios? Please explain, sorry for any inconvenience.
Next thing I know, I get an email from a strange address.
TrayLRPRK69: This radio has the wrong bandsplit for our other radios. As far as I can tell, it transmits, but it will not work with our system.
Weird. Suddenly I'm talking to two people. Rather than I assume, or make the obvious gay joke about his "partner", I clarify.
Me: Are you also "TrayLRPRK69"? I got a message tonight from someone with that name that I have had no contact with on ebay. Is that you?
I was correct, which leads to another rash of misspellings.
NoGED81: yes ,i was useing my partner computer,not sure why it sent his name , im not happy with this radio.what are u willing to do ? (email addy & phone number included)
Understood. Too bad, however. What am I willing to do? I'm willing to explain at great length how any simpleton should have been able to see what he was buying.
Me: Sorry for any inconvenience, but there's nothing I can do. You purchased a radio, and I sold you a working radio. I was clear in the item description that I knew nothing about the frequencies, and I included a picture of the back of the radio so people could look up the unit if they wanted more information. I sold you a working radio, and I'm sorry if it doesn't correspond with other radios you're currently using. However, my description of the item was correct and the item is in working condition.
Well, logic is exhausted. Next up on the gameplan of the truly desperate is threats.
NoGED81: you did not say 880-h-3. and i think you knew so i will be giving bad feed back ! and then i will sell it back on ebay letting people know who ,where i got this radio from,thanks alot.
Yep, he's losing it. Still, time for a polite response. Businesslike, but not wavering.
Me: Sorry again for your inconvenience, but all I can do is make out an accurate auction description and include pictures. I included the picture of the back of the item, which clearly marks this unit as a TK-880H-3. I was up front about the fact I didn't know much about the frequencies of the radio, that's why I included everything about it in the description and pictures. I'm not sure why you're angry at me for selling you a working radio that was exactly as I described it.
And anger soon turns to incoherence.
NoGED81: You did not say it was 880h-3 you knew.thats why you put it in a picture! I put it back on e bay as a 880h-3 will see what it sells for then ill give your feed back letting all know . we dont you on ebay you give it a bad name !
Okay, at this point, I'm through apologizing. I'm sure I'm going to get a negative feedback from this guy, so it's time to get my money's worth.
Me: "Q: You did not say it was 880h-3 you knew.thats why you put it in a picture!"
Enlighten me, here. So I sold you a perfectly functional radio, with full information and extra pictures, and I'm to blame because you didn't actually look at the item?
"I put it back on e bay as a 880h-3 will see what it sells for then ill give your feed back letting all know ."
Not sure what you're saying here, but I listed an item with accurate description and pictures, sold it to you, and shipped it in a very timely manner. I've done nothing wrong, and see no reason for negative feedback.
"--we dont you on ebay you give it a bad name !"
No idea what that means. There don't seem to be enough words in that sentence.
I have 674 positive feedbacks on completed transactions over the past eight years. I stand by my record.
So, the gloves are off.
NoGED81: accurate description and you left out that it was h-3 .god takes care people like you . sleep good .
Now that was a hard left turn, eh? I sell this guy a working radio, and he's calling down the wrath of the Holy Spirit on me.
Me: "accurate description and you left out that it was h-3 ."
What part of "I'm not familiar with all of the details on the radio, frequencies, etc..." did you not understand? Was it the same part where you didn't bother to look at the extra pictures I posted so my bidders could examine the radio and tell for themselves if it was the model they wanted?
"god takes care people like you ."
No, God takes care of people who can read, and look at pictures. The rest of you are on your own.
"--sleep good ."
Sleep well.
At this point, he may be having trouble reading the emails.
NoGED81: "DECEPTIVE"
Brevity is the soul of wit, especially if you only comprehend a few words.
Me: How is me entering the description of the item including pictures that told you EXACTLY the information you're saying I withheld being deceptive? It's not like I typed it in Spanish, or showed blurry pictures.
We're rolling now, aren't we?
NoGED81: "DID YOU LEAVE OUT THAT IT WAS -3"
Just keep banging on that drum, Chester.
Me: To begin with, congratulations on finding that Caps Lock button. That makes the misspellings and lack of punctuation much easier to deal with, thanks.
I think the question here is, did you even bother to look at the pictures, read the description, or look at anything other than the word "radio" on the auction? Did you ever use the "PgDn" button? Have you ever? It's a nifty little invention, saves a lot of time, there might be more pictures or information down there that could be relevant, especially since the auction plainly states that I don't know much about the radio's frequencies.
While you're there, you could also hit the Print button and shoot off a copy of the pictures I took for you, and take it to the labs to have somebody decipher that oh-so-cryptic TK-880H-3 written plainly on the back of the radio that you say doesn't exist. It's not exactly the Dead Sea Scrolls. It's pretty clear right there in the top right corner of the unit.
See? Pictures just aren't pretty. Sometimes they show us things, too.
Back to the Big Lie Theory. Repeat.
NoGED81: "Description Kenwood TK-880H UHF Two-Way Mobile Radio this is a paste copy of your e-bay read it"
He's out of words, apparently.
Me: Good point, why actually answer a question or think for yourself when you can cut and paste?
That was my description, yes. How can you say that's a deception when that's exactly what it said on the back of the radio, and I told you I didn't know much about the radio or its frequencies?
I don't have to read it. I wrote it. I used punctuation, and capitalization, and everything. Not that that's a hint or anything.
So what you're saying is all you read from this auction was the title, and bought the auction without even looking up any pertinent information? I went to a lot of work writing that out and taking the pictures, you know. From what you're telling me, I might as well have posted pictures of crop circles or dogs playing poker, because you weren't going to bother looking at them anyway.
If I sold you a Mustang, and told you I didn't know much about cars, would you bother looking at it before you buy it, or would you just assume it was the exact year and model you were looking for? Would you bother to look at the pictures to make sure you weren't buying a billygoat, perhaps?
I was certain I'd get bad feedback out of this one, and even more sure there would be at least one misspelling in it. Here's the feedback he posted.
NoGED81: Left out info in Description ,Told me to look @pictures Not Helpful."DECEPTIVE"
Not technically misspelled, but that spacing and capitalization sure could use some work. However, here's his response to my completely factual feedback of him.
"SLOW SHIPPING, LISTING WAS 880H-3 NOT 880H,TWO DIFF RADIOS.ASHOLE"
You know anybody else who's been called an asshole on eBay by a functional illiterate? I wear that like a badge of honor.
The newest thing at Sonic Drive-In is the "Super Sonic Breafast Toaster," made with grilled onions.
To begin with, a "Super Sonic Toaster" sounds like something that Superman would use to make breakfast.
And grilled onions at breakfast? That's just not something I'm ready for that early in the morning. Why would you roll out of bed, brush your teeth, floss, and gargle, only to zip through a drive-through and eat a pile of grilled onions?
There's no grilled-onion-flavored toothpaste. I think there's a reason for that.
Hey kids! Look at what we get to do! We get to wait in line at Wal-Mart! It's just like the time Daddy took you to Six Flags, only at the end of the line we don't get to ride the roller coaster, we only get to walk out into a barely-lit parking lot with no security.
"But Daddy," you say, "isn't that line the 'Express' line you always talk about, the one that's supposed to be super-duper quick and fast?"
Ha-HA! Good one, kids.
Here is where the next line is. Can you see it? No? That's because it's all the way at the other end of the store, so far away you'd need to ride one of those Harry Potter brooms to reach it. But those people headed down there are falling for an old trick, just watch! That exit of Wal-Mart is closed after ten o'clock. Ha! Imagine their faces when they have to walk to the other end of the store to check out, then realize they have to walk all the way back up here to get out! Won't that be fun? Please don't repeat any of the words they say, kids.
This is the woman who works at the register right next to the one where we're waiting. Doesn't she look happy? Happy happy happy. She should be happy because she's taking her break, and will not deal with us no matter how long the lines are. Don't worry, she doesn't make eye contact with anyone, kiddies. It's not just you.
When we leave here, we're going to take an international vacation, and Daddy's going to have some pancakes.
This week's PopCast returns to gently pontificate on how good "The Dark Knight" was, and how it sucks to get older, including...
-- The tenth anniversary of my tenth high school reunion, and the one thing vital to enjoying the event. -- Spotting pop musicians in "Silence of the Lambs" -- Enjoying the Dark Knight, with one minor problem -- Why "Oxnard, California" makes me laugh everytime I say it
More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.
In case you were wondering, it took less than two weeks for some enterprising punks to take the "Spoon" sign at our new Taco Bueno and turn it into "Poon."
Well, to be honest, this did seem like a very easy place for vandalism. I considered doing it myself, but I'm shooting for more highbrow humor these days.
Like millions and millions of you, I have now seen The Dark Knight. No spoilers here, but it's a great movie. Note I didn't say it was a great comic book movie, it's just a great movie. You could take off the makeup and batsuit, and you'd still have a fantastic crime thriller. It's the movie the last two "Die Hard" movies should have been.
(The trailer for "Watchmen"? Nicely done, but I still can't see it working.)
By the way, my theatre had a sign on the "Meet Dave" movie poster out front, announcing that they wouldn't be showing the Eddie Murphy movie so they could save another showing of "The Dark Knight." I can only assume the sign apologizes for the complete lack of inconvenience.
Now that's true geekhood, to the point of ignoring all else. This guy has to think that at some point, his kid is going to grow up to be as big of a geek as his dad, and they'll share a bonding moment over the time Daddy abandoned him in the car to see the Batman movie.
This week's PopCast is once again back to cast a watchful eye upon the world of pop culture. This week we hit the high notes, including...
-- Why Lining Up To See A Movie Is Cool -- Big Brother: Picking Someone To Hate -- Who Decided Abba Was Cool Again? -- Sports: All We Need Is More Brett Favre Coverage
More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.
Two horrible, horrible mug shots today, you tell me which one is worse. We'll start with Heidi Fleiss.
Quite possibly the worst mug shot ever. Heidi Fleiss' days of people paying to have sex with her are apparently over. She appears to have been arrested for DUI, possession of meth, and looking like a bag of ass.
I can't tell if she's a criminal, or she's one of the Joker's victims from that new Batman movie. I hope she saved the receipts for her last dozen rounds of plastic surgery, because those cheeks are just not holding up under the strain.
Nice to see him taking care of himself, eh? "Okay Andy, we're going to take your mug shot now. Smile like you were the devil."
Dick was arrested at 1:13am outside a bar for pulling down the tube top of a seventeen year-old girl, and when they found him he was urinating outside and had drugs in his pockets.
Tough break for Dick, who's annually a top five pick in my fantasy death draft. My question here is, what kind of seventeen year-old girl is hanging around outside a bar at 1:13 in the morning wearing a tube top, watching some strange guy pee?
"When the American and National League face off in Tuesday's Major League Baseball All-Star Game in New York, there will be fewer people watching than there were the last time Yankee Stadium was the host in 1977."
Let me get this straight, the All-Star Game is such a failure that they can write about the disappointing rating of the broadcast two full days before the game is played? Wow. That's pretty impressive, Yahoo Nostradamus. I felt pretty good because I was able to predict that "Meet Dave" was going to suck, but that's even better.
Does that ever happen to you, where you can look at something that's heavily hyped coming out, and you just know immediately that it's going to bomb? I'm usually pretty good at that. I was certain "Speed Racer" would tank, and that "Love Guru" would disappoint.
For future reference, I don't see much future in that "90210" remake. I'm only watching it for the legendary charisma of Joe E. Tata.
This week's PopCast is more fun than a barrel of monkeys, whatever that means. It sounds more like a smelly, tick-infested rodeo of poo-flinging to me, but whatever turns your gears. This week we hit the high notes, including...
-- Our New Sponsor, "Johnson's Doppler Gaydar" -- Why The Media Thinks The Hanson Brothers Are Still Stars -- How the Airlines Want Us To Solve the Gas Crisis -- Bill Murray's Divorce, and Why He's Lucky To Be Alive
More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.
I think when the end of the meal comes, we all lose focus a little bit. We're full, we're sleepy, and then it's time to tip the waitstaff.
To begin with, we can never figure out how much 15% is of anything. Just give up. Take ten percent of the total (move the decimal over, Chester), then add a couple of bucks. We invariably round off, so don't worry about exact percentages.
Why do we tip? I'm not complaining, I'm just curious. When did we decide it was okay to let the restaurants pay these employees several dollars below minimum wage, and make them hustle to make up the difference? And then when did we also decide it was okay for them to not hustle, and still count on us to subsidize the industry?
At some point, the tip went from being a reward to being an expected part of the meal. If your waiter brings the appetizer after the meal, sneezes in your salad, and grinds the pepper shaker over your glass of tea, you might be ticked off enough to only give that incompetent idiot 10% above the cost of the meal.
Another thing that irks me is when people assume tips. If the meal is $43 and I give the waitress $60, just assume I want you to bring me my change and let me figure out the tip.
Her: "Do you need change?" Me: "Uh...no. Why don't you just climb up on the table and dance for me, while you're at it?"
Don't be cute. If I get $12 in change, don't bring me a ten and two ones. Don't try and force me to overtip, I'm a bit stubborn.
And there are some occasions where we just lose our minds and tip too much, like in a bar. Why do you always tip a bartender too much? Because they're getting you alcohol, and you like alcohol. Bear in mind they're not actually brewing the beer themselves, they're just handing it to you. They don't rush to the back to their still to make us a martini, they just pour it and place it in front of you.
And if you're a guy, and your bartender is female, you may go ahead and slide down one more row on the abacus of tipping. You will overtip her, go ahead and admit it, in spite of the fact that your odds of successfully taking her home are about the same as getting struck by lightning while screwing Beyonce. I know it's happened before, I just don't know anybody personally who's successfully accomplished it.
We set our tip for waiters and waitresses on how the food was. They're not cooking it, folks, they're just walking it out.
We tip strippers, and we usually tip them before they do anything other than display the items they have for rent. Then after the tip, they display them again, then put them away. I have nothing more to say about that, just pointing it out.
Why don't we tip people who actually work hard for us? Mechanics? Plumbers? Farmers? Why isn't it okay to slip a ten spot to a college football player who made the big touchdown that won you money in your office pool?
How about pastry chefs? We tip the person who hands us our cheeseburger, why doesn't the woman who sets her alarm and gets up before the sun every day just to make doughnuts that you buy for fifty cents get a little thank you?
Shouldn't the traffic cop who lets you off with a warning get a small token of your appreciation? What if he were kind enough to run your license and registration, and then come back with a refill of tea and a desert menu?
Proud Texan Matthew McConaughey has had a baby. Good to know his shirtless legacy will continue unto the next generation. No word on a name yet, But I'm hoping for "Whatever Man McConaughey."
I just moved into a small place. It's an inefficiency apartment. I can tell because the bed is in the kitchen.
Why does The Rock, who made a living beating people with folding chairs, continue to be America's Disney Movie sweetheart? That's like making a cartoon crimefighting team with the voices of OJ, Robert Blake, and R Kelly.
You know you're in a bad restaurant when "BLT" is misspelled on the menu.
How many comedies will Dane Cook be in before he makes one that's watchable?
I feel certain that if Al Gore had been elected President, the United States would not have invaded Iraq. Unless, however, CIA intelligence reports indicated that Saddam Hussein had been spotted leaving all the lights on at the Imperial Palace.
I have no idea how to play backgammon. All my life, the board has been on the back of my checkers board, but no one has ever sat down and said "let's play!" It seems that we may have let all of the people who knew how to play backgammon pass on, without imparting their knowledge unto us. It's a quaint throwback to a forgotten time. Seeing someone playing backgammon is like seeing a kid running while rolling a tire with a stick, or seeing a guy wearing suspenders and a barrel.
Isn't describing something as "indescribable" actually being descriptive?
Is Dr. Phil the fattest guy ever to write a best-selling diet book?
Where the Hell is Sammy Hagar travelling from in "I Can't Drive 55" when he laments "it took me sixteen hours to get to LA"? San Diego? Salina, Kansas? Delaware? Without a proper perspective, the measurement is lost.
I'm sure you've seen about Alex Rodriguez and his wife getting divorced, since it's the top story on every sports page, entertainment page, gossip page, and every other conceivable page. I read about it in this week's Highlights For Children, even.
A-Rod is reportedly seeing Madonna, for either sexual or Kaballah-related reasons, whichever is funnier. Meanwhile, his wife reportedly shacked up with Lenny Kravitz in France.
I understand that they're committed to nailing the celebrities of the 80's and 90's, but couldn't they sleep with somebody who's had hits more recently? Christina Aguilera? Usher? Lil' John? Amy Winehouse?
Strike that last one. Winehouse could give both of them diseases that not even the Yankees medical plan could handle.
By the way, A-Rod has hired Shaquille O'Neal's attorney, who was unavailable for comment because he was vacationing on a yacht in Turkey. Just for future reference, if your lawyer vacations on a yacht in Turkey, he's probably pretty good, and you're probably going to be paying for his next yacht somewhere down the line.
So, let's divide it up here and take sides. One is playing "Papa Don't Preach" with the Material Girl, the other is the "American Woman" for Helen Willis' baby boy. Who's the winner here?
I was at Toys R' Us the other night, ostensibly because I have a daughter, and we were over in the section with all of the toy cars and go-karts. Fisher-Price makes a little plastic gas pump, I guess so when the kids in your neighborhood play race cars, somebody gets to pretend they're on the pit crew.
Anyway, look very closely at the plastic pump. The price of a gallon of gas is marked at $3.29. This is what we're teaching our kids is normal with this Fisher Price/Halliburton playset.
Man, we can't even get the cost of toy gas down under three dollars.
In news of the insane, some nutjob in Oregon flew a lawn chair rigged up with helium balloons more than two hundred miles in the air on Saturday, all the way to Oregon.
It was his third try. He kept himself from floating away by shooting some of the balloons with his BB gun.
Apparently everything this guy learned about science, he got from Wile E. Coyote.
This week's PopCast is a veritable seminar of pop culture, tackling such topics as...
-- "The Fourth of July: Alcohol, Gunpowder, and You" -- "Why Dick Cheney Beats The Secret" -- "Entertainment Weekly Ranked The Joshua Tree Too Low, And Are Thus Insane" -- "Rush Limbaugh: One Necessarily Rich Douchebag" -- "The Christie Brinkley Divorce As Proof That Men Are Irrevocably Stupid"
Enjoy, share with your friends, and pass it around the holiday BBQ. Happy explosive holidays!
More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.
If I may, I'd like to share a message with the waitstaff of America.
Please, do me a favor. When I give you my order, write it down. Humor me.
Otherwise, when I order a burger and a Coke, and you bring me a steak sandwich and a White Russian with extra Kahlua, don't look at me like I'm Leona Helmsley for getting upset.
I promise I won't think ill of you for having to write things down. You'll still be tops in my book even if you have to take a extra moment to jot it in ink.
I hate it when there's a team of waiters. One for the drinks, one for the order, one makes the food drop off, and then everybody vanishes when you need a refill.
A total stranger runs by and drops the food on your table, then somebody else immediately shows up for the inquisition.
"How's that look?"
"It looks great! However, as soon as you leave on your twenty minute smoke break, I'll cut into it and realize it's at room temperature with center as pink as a Peep. Right now, it appears to be fine."
And if my food is not as I asked, just fix it. Just take it in the back and get what I ordered, I understand that mistakes happen. Don't feel like you've got to deflect the blame. I hate the good cop-bad cop routine.
"Oh, they're having lots of problems back in the kitchen tonight. One cook called in sick, and another is going through serious detox and his hands are shaking like Amy Winehouse. They're really backed up in there, I'll go see if I can get your food ready."
I don't care who's fault it is my well done steak is bleeding and mooing. Just fix it, don't pass the blame. Don't pretend you're the last hope for society and the rest of the staff is made of gypsies, tramps, and thieves.
Rapper Eminem is being sued by a guy who claims he got punched by Em in a strip club back in 2006.
