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At The Movies

I've always been a big fan of the movies. I usually catch the flicks over at the local Hollywood Googolplex over on the Loop, where I'm greeted with "Here's your ticket stub, an aerial map of the building, and some bread crumbs...good luck, and Godspeed."

So before I take off on my Martin & Lewis & Clark expedition, I always try and stop for refreshments before I go into the theater, so I don't risk winding up in somebody's lap while making a Milk Dud run. "Excuse me...pardon me...I need through...sorry...excuse me...could you move your clown-sized feet, ma'am...thank you...sorry..pardon me."

I always like to check out the concession stand, look into the interest rate on a bag of popcorn and a coke. You know, a lot of places have gone to giving out free refills on their large popcorns and drinks. This is a promotion that totally escapes me. Unless you're going to include a bedpan and a catheter, a theater-sized large is too much fluid for one human being anyway, unless that being is seven foot tall and weighs three hundred pounds. And just for future reference, when that guy checks into the theater, I'm always the guy sitting behind him.

A beverage with a diving board is not meant for one person, even with a silo of popcorn on the side. Now if I'm taking the Von Trapp family to a matinee, maybe then I shell out the big bucks for the bottomless beverage. Until then, leave the Eternal-Super-Big-Gulp Cup behind the counter, where you can soak your mop in it.

Once I have the beverage and snack of choice, I hustle into the theater to find a nice seat. I find if you get there early enough, you can get a great seat up until the movie starts. That's when some big fat obnoxious family dressed like they're camping out at Talladega invariably comes in and plops down right next to you, with no respect for the "one-seat neutral zone" rule. Remember kids, if you don't camp out on that armrest and establish a precedent early, you could be stuck hanging out one side of the seat like a drunken fratboy.

Some theaters have gone to stadium seating, where the seating is angled to make sure everybody can see. I applaud this idea. However, this does nothing to shut the people in front of you up, does it? For future reference, we don't care if someone on the screen reminds you of your cousin Lester in Logansport, I've just spent a week's pay on this blockbuster, and you can't follow the flick if you miss the dialogue between the explosions.

Of course, seeing a lot of movies means that I see a lot of what Hollywood think people want to see. I think men and women are obviously very different in many ways, the theater is a perfect little example of the miniature Bosnia-Hertzogovina that the different sexes fire mortars into every day.

Women's favorite movies? Gone With the Wind, Titanic, Pretty Woman, The Bridges of Madison County.

Guys' favorite movies? The Godfather, Braveheart, Star Wars, anything with Clint Eastwood except the Bridges Of Madison County.

Notice a trend? Women have to have somebody fall in love. Guys have to have somebody killed.

What do women want from their movies? Just like with life, I have no idea. They seem to have a pretty sharp double-edged sword they watch flicks with. Julia Roberts is okay as a hooker in Pretty Women, but men aren't really encouraged to suggest prostitute films on the first date.

What do men want from the movies? I think it's a simple formula, really.
  • To begin with, you need a gunfight car-chase ending in explosions before the opening credits have rolled.
  • A fight between two normal looking guys who somehow both turn out to be special ops black belt martial arts masters.
  • A disposable sidekick who gets killed by the bad guy in the first half of the movie to make our hero really, really, violently, emotionally, briefly angry.
  • Good guys who can shoot better than John Wayne, and bad guys that shoot worse than Charles Nelson Reilly.
  • A heroine in trouble, who doesn't like our hero, but will sleep with him anyway.
  • And finally, heroes that are cool, but not threatening. Guys like to see Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Robert Redford...old guys, basically.
We don't want to see Jude Law or Heath Ledger in our movies. Those guys are young enough to get their own girls.

blogified by Reid @ 3/30/2006 04:02:00 PM 


Blogger Christine said...

I used to live at the movies until I met my husband -- he just can't sit still that long. I wasted soo much money on entertainment in general back then.

However, I did figger out the beverage thing when watching Ghost (yes, a chick flick). I had to pee so bad my eyeballs were rolling back in my head, but it was the end of the movie, and I didn't want to get up. So as soon as the credits rolled, I knocked my companions out of the way and ran to the restroom. And now I stay liquid refreshment-free during the movie.

Other favorite Men Are from Mars/Women Are from Venus movie moment: Watching a movie that features full frontal male nudity with a bunch of guys. Us gals are used to seeing T&A in movies. We don't like it, but we've learned to deal with it. Guys completely freak when they see someone else's goods. I've never heard so much nervous laughter in my life.

Great post!

9:26 PM  
Blogger Reid said...

Once upon a time, there was a movie called "Threesome," which for the sake of argument, we'll just describe as featuring a threesome scene that most guys indicate as the "wrong kind" of threesome.

And when that scene came up on screen, the tension in the theatre was palpable. Guys slinked away from each other, scared to be seen watching it, terrified of seeming too interested in the MMF taking place on screen in front of them. Really funny stuff.

12:25 AM  
Blogger l said...

What do women want from the movies? To not go to the movies with a man who wants to see a good love story.

We may whine and complain that we have to see chick flicks without our man but honestly it's all just a big lie. Ultimately, maybe genetically, women want their men to be prepared for battle in case they are called to defend our honor, or check on that bump in the night.

What better way to prepare for battle then to sit back with a box of milkduds and a large popcorn while watching Yoda kick *ss and later take names.

Loved this post!


PS. I think I know Lester in Logansport and if his name came up in the movie theater I would most certainly have to talk about him!

7:09 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

I remember that movie well. The last scene? Holy crap.

8:42 PM  
Blogger Kerry said...

i so love your descriptive writing! i, too, grab my favorite beverage and snack then charge the hall way in search of perfect seating!

now, if only i could find a movie i want to go see these days...

thanks for the comment on my blog!
i am glad you stopped in and said hi.


11:51 AM  

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