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Rocky Six

Really? No kidding? Please, someone tell me this is an entertainment report from The Onion. There is no logical reason to have a Rocky Six, especially when many people can't even identify "Rocky V" when it comes on in the middle of a Saturday afternoon during a Mets rain delay.

What's the plot here? Rocky against someone a fifth of his age, overcoming incredible odds to get beaten to death in the middle of the Madison Square Garden ring? Rocky gets into it with Larry Holmes? Rocky struggles with Parkinson's Disease?

Parkinson's Disease, by the way, is a rare neurological disease that gets very little publicity. It affects thousands of people every year, and all of them are either professional boxers or Michael J. Fox. Let's pretend that getting repeatedly punched in the head for a living has nothing to do with it, shall we?

Anyway, Rocky should have been retired twenty years ago, and working as a greeter in a casino somewhere, divorced and paying off his back income taxes. Instead, the plucky everyman is dragged out again to prop up Sylvester Stallone's alleged movie career.

Let's take a look at why Stallone is eager to revisit his first love. Here's some of Stallone's output from the last decade.

"Eye See You" -- No, no one did. I don't think it was even released in theatres. It went straight to beta video, 8 millimeter film, and flip book.
"Get Carter" -- Get serious. No one makes a comeback in a movie that relies on Mickey Rourke.
"Driven" -- It takes quite a movie to suck the energy and fun out of high speed racing. This is just such a movie.
"Avenging Angelo" -- Didn't see it, never heard of it, not sure if it was a movie or the name of a professional wrestler.
"Judge Dredd" -- How do you screw up a character like Dredd? Easy, you wait a decade to long to film the movie, you let Stallone sneer every single one of his lines, and then you add Rob Schneider.

Why go this far back in the career? Why not just dig up John Rambo again? Drop him into Iraq, and have him dig out spider holes? Why not film the logical sequels to all of Stallone's films? Why not "Locked Up Again"? "Even More Demolition Man"?

Or my favorite, "Stop, My Mom Is Still Shooting"?

blogified by Reid @ 2/15/2006 02:20:00 PM  3 comments links to this post


New Chick Movie

I'm really interested in that new chick-flick movie that's coming out. It's the one where the woman, even though she's smart, funny, and exceptionally good-looking, is having a hard time finding a guy. She's going out with a string of losers, and one night she runs into this guy on accident. She doesn't like him, because even though he's also smart, funny, and really good-looking with great hair, they get off on the wrong foot. They run into each other a few times, and somehow, they wind up thrown together thanks to a child, or a well-meaning friend, or something like that. Then they both realize they're perfect for each other, and they get together right at the end of the movie.

And the movie ends there, with their first kiss. It doesn't discuss their sexual pasts, or how they'll build on their relationship, or even if they're compatible beyond just the surface attraction of both being beautiful people. Even though the guy tells her he loves her because of one of her little quirks, like the way she eats her peas, or holds her fork, or stocks her bookshelves, the movie doesn't mention that he really has no idea what the woman is like. And the girl isn't sure if the the guy is pro-life, or what religion he is, or if he grew up in a carny. The movie just ignores those things in return for a long-distance fade out camera shot while the Dianne Warren-penned closing theme song plays up the credits.

Yeah, that movie looks pretty good. I just can't remember the name of it.

blogified by Reid @ 2/14/2006 12:40:00 PM  0 comments links to this post


The Grammys

Just a few random thoughts on the Grammys...
  • I appreciate the effort, but the show was really an excuse for some of the worst mash-ups ever. Maroon 5 & Cierra? Christina Aguilera and Herbie Hancock? Fantasia and that other guy? Come on, it's like a party game. Come up with the funniest combinations ever! What about Green Day & George Jones? Here's Neil Diamond & Cyndi Lauper! Please welcome 50 Cent & Gloria Estefan! Now, here's Eminem and Adam Ant!

  • Mariah Carey - I love that song she sang. In fact, I've loved it every time she released that exact same song since 1992.

  • Kelly Clarkson - I'm a fan, and she'd easily make my List Of Five. However, if I wanted to hear Evanescence, I'd just turn on a Clear Channel radio station that markets itself as "modern". I don't want to hear it from her.

  • Coldplay - This is something I've also noticed from U2. British guys can't dance, but they're so cool, it doesn't matter. If I tried to do that weird, freezing-in-place chicken dance on stage, I'd catch a bottle of Michelob in the skull. But if Bono or Chris Martin does it, they can get Gwyneth Paltrow to ovulate for them. It's not fair.

  • U2 - Bono spoke twice tonight, once telling a long rambling story about everybody being in the circus, the other revealing that his dad was the "atomic bomb" in their album's title. That's cool and all that, but man, doesn't Bono ever speak in anything but complicated metaphors? It's got to be tough for him to order a meal in less than an hour.

  • Paul McCartney - Just a few days after seeing the Rolling Stones at the Super Bowl, I now wonder why McCartney comes across so well, and Mick Jagger is so embarrassing. I'm not sure, but I think it has to do with Paul's lack of crotch-thrusting.

  • Bruce Springsteen - Sadly, Bruce appears to be falling prey to a rare disease that slowly turns you into Bob Dylan. Tom Petty suffered with this syndrome for years.

  • Joss Stone - What an incredible voice. And let me tell you, it takes a special woman to wear those colors in that way.

  • And finally, the jazz tribute to New Orleans. I though it was well done, except for the instrumentation. The song closed with guitar solos from Elvis Costello and The Edge. Man, nothing says New Orleans jazz like an aging British New Wave guy, and The Edge.

blogified by Reid @ 2/09/2006 12:21:00 AM  4 comments links to this post


Up Chuck

Well, it seems like Chuck Norris is the new celebrity of the moment. There's a website dedicated to him, and his awesomeness. It's strange the way our generation embraces our celebrities, whether it's worshipping Chuck Norris, or connecting the universe to Kevin Bacon, or following George Hamilton even though we can't name a single movie he's ever been in except "Zorro, The Gay Blade."

I understand, though, Chuck Norris is an American Icon. In fact, wasn't that one of his movies? He's a living throwback to a time when you could right the wrongs of society simply by causing evildoers to lose consciousness.

He should be on money. Right there on the twenty dollar bill, there should be a picture of him from the early 80s with that blonde hair parted right down the middle where he looks like a baked potato. "Chuck Norris...Kicking Evil In The Face For 80 Years"

The thing about Chuck is his longevity. He was still making those "Walker, Texas Ranger" episodes even into his early nineties, I believe. I did notice, though, that the older he got, the shorter his villains got. His roundhouse kick didn't go quite so high anymore, so the bad guys got shorter to make it still look impressive. The last year of the series, he beat up a gang of drug-running Columbian midgets led by Verne Troyer.

blogified by Reid @ 2/08/2006 10:48:00 PM  5 comments links to this post


Free Music, Unfortunately

Yep, it's free. The catch is that it's all mine. If you'll just click here, you can download (for free) MP3s of my solo recordings, and also tracks of my band, The Caucasian Boys.

Positive comments are always encouraged, and remember, it's not like you paid for this.

blogified by Reid @ 2/07/2006 04:16:00 PM  2 comments links to this post


Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL Timeline

March 23, 1867 - Super Bowl XL halftime performer Keith Richards is born.

January 22, 2006 - Pittsburgh and Seattle win their Championship Games, earning a trip to Super Bowl XL at Detroit's Ford Field.

January 23 - Ford Motor Co. announces the layoff of 25,000 employees in honor of the big event.

January 30 - Detroit is named America's "Poorest Big City." The Detroit Chamber of Commerce commits hari kari.

1:30pm, February 5 - The pregame begins for Super Bowl XL, brought to you by Blockbuster, Tostitos, and Stevie Wonder's dreams of universal peace.

2:45pm - ESPN reports Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb's comments from eariler this week about Terrell Owens, likening TO's actions to "black-on-black crime." ESPN then goes to their expert on black-on-black crime, Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis.

3:52pm - Tom Jackson does a pregame story on Jerome Bettis' rough childhood in Detroit. The background footage used in the story makes it look like they're holding the Super Bowl in 8 Mile.

4:34pm - While talking about the rise of the Seahawks, Steve Young points out that five years ago, you never would have expected Seattle and Pittsburgh to be playing in the Super Bowl. He is correct, since five years ago Seattle and Pittsburgh were both in the AFC.

5:05pm - We are welcomed to Super Bowl XL by all of the previous Super Bowl MVPs, Harrison Ford, and Dr. Seuss.

5:06pm - All over America, dumb guys at parties start talking about how cool next year's "Super Bowl XXL" will be.

5:08pm - McDonald's has a commercial where a giant hamster is talking to Ronald McDonald. I didn't get the exact point of the ad, but I feel a strange craving for a McRib.

5:10pm - Energy drink "Full Throttle" unveils their new marketing campaign, including the slogan "Let Your Man Out." The fine print on the ad cautions that doing so may result in a jail stay, and registration as a sex offender.

5:18pm - The National Anthem is played, featuring Aretha Franklin singing while wearing a coat that looks like she's had a sled dog team put to death.

5:27pm - The kickoff begins Super Bowl XL.

5:36pm - In a marketing tie-in, Matt Hasselbeck completes a fifteen yard pass to the Burger King.

5:55pm - Seahawks receiver Darrell Jackson catches his fifth pass of the first quarter, tying with Buffalo's Andre Reed. No one points out that matching the Super Bowl accomplishments of the Buffalo Bills is not historically a good thing.

5:56pm - As if to prove my point, Jackson catches a touchdown pass in the end zone, which is called back because of an interference penalty against him.

6:07pm - Trailing 3-0, Pittsburgh punts again, ending their third straight possession going three-and-out. Trash-talking Seattle tight end Jerramy Stevens takes advantage of the opportunity by dropping a wide open deep pass.

6:34pm - Pittsburgh completes a pass for a first down on 3rd and 28, which is quite surprising because usually that only happens against Green Bay.

6:40pm - Roethlisberger's dive to the goal line appears to score a touchdown for Pittsburgh. Al Michaels is so excited to finally see some points, he completely forgets the rules of instant replay.

6:43pm - The play stands, Pittsburgh takes the lead, and Seahawks fans begin to get really sick of those gold towels.

6:53pm - Matt Hasselbeck completes his second straight pass out of bounds, including one in the end zone.

6:54pm - Seattle misses a field goal. In anger, Hasselbeck throws his helmet at the ground, missing by four yards.

6:55pm - Halftime at the Super Bowl, Pittsburgh leads Seattle 7-3. Analyst Tom Jackson says the Seahawks have to feel good, since they took some of the swagger away from the Steelers. Strangely enough, his assurance, coupled with the fact that they've had two touchdown passes called back and a missed field goal does not make Seahawks fans very jovial.

7:06pm - The Rolling Stones perform. At the sight of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, Stones fans in the audience start throwing their support hose and Depends undergarments on stage.

7:17pm - The Minnesota Vikings party barge arrives to the game an hour late, and completely lacking any pants.

7:19pm - The Rolling Stones finish their set, brought to you by Viagra, Geritol, and every Stones album in the last twenty years that no one remembers.

7:32pm - "Fast Willie" Parker goes for 75 yards and a touchdown. Guys everywhere giggle at the fact that "Fast Willie Parker" would make an excellent name for an adult film star.

7:36pm - Seattle running back Max Strong carries the ball. Guys everywhere keep giggling.

7:41pm - Just to stay in practice, Seattle misses another field goal.

7:54pm - In a stunner, Jerramy Stevens breaks his string of three consecutive pass drops and catches a touchdown.

8:22pm - Matt Hasselbeck is picked off by Ike Taylor inside the Pittsburgh ten, and then is called for a fifteen yard penalty on the return. To make matters worse, when he reaches the sideline he realizes Taylor also swiped his wallet, and hacked into his MySpace account to make "Brokeback Mountain" his favorite movie.

8:40pm - The Steelers throw a reverse pass from Roethlisberger to Antwan Randle El to Hines Ward for a touchdown. Cleveland Browns fans complain that the Steelers have two wide receivers who can throw touchdown passes, and yet they haven't had a quarterback since Bernie Kosar left.

8:45pm - Matt Hasselbeck nearly turns the game around by making a hard tackle and causing a fumble on himself.

9:02pm - Super Bowl XL ends with the only constant in the game, a dropped pass from Jerramy Stevens. Pittsburgh wins their fifth Super Bowl. Hometown hero Jerome Bettis announces his retirement on the podium after the game, and thousands of Detroit fans make plans to drive to Pittsburgh for the victory parade, since they no longer have jobs to worry about missing.

============================================================
Headlines At The Fistful Of Sports:
- Al Michaels, John Madden To Divorce
- Survey: Mick Jagger Singing Satisfaction "Creepy"
- Stevie Wonder Under Impression He Was Playing At Grammys
- Ceremonial SBXL Coin Used To Buy Ceremonial Dr. Pepper
- Mike Holmgren: "I Am The Eggman"

blogified by Reid @ 2/06/2006 01:02:00 AM  2 comments links to this post


Jengelinad Jihad

How's Jen doing?

Have you seen her lately? Is she doing okay? I know it's got to be hard on her, seeing Brad and Angelina everywhere. And now with them having a baby, I know it must be killing her. Has she been eating well?

I've been meaning to make her a poundcake, and drop by to check on her.

That's how it's starting to feel, anyway, since every magazine from People to Us to Highlights For Children has at least one of the Brad/Angelina/Jennifer trinity on the cover. "How Jen Found Out!" "Angelina Is Due May 2!" "Inside Brad's 'I Knocked Up Angelina' Super Bowl Party!"

Come on, people. These are actors, not long-time friends of your family. It's like the entire country has become the support system for Jennifer Aniston. She's not hideous and destitute, folks. She's got money, and she'll find a man eventually. She's not going to have to get a full-time job at the bowling alley to feed her kids and wind up shacking up in a double-wide with a guy who owns his own Korn-Y-Dog stand.

Why are we all so shocked that three people who are complete strangers to us have announced through their publicists that they're swapping partners? For all the talk about Brad and Angelina and the time frame of when they hooked up, do you honestly think that was the first time Brad or Jennifer ever had anything going on outside of their marriage?

Brad Pitt has been People's "Sexiest Man Of The Year" every year since 1991. Jennifer Aniston is so universally pretty, she had a haircut named after her character on Friends. The reason we know who they are is because they're pretty. Not because they're smart, or honest, or trustworthy, or can attain cold fusion, or anything else like that. We love them because they're pretty. And when people are told over and over again they're pretty, it gets to them occasionally.

We worship Hollywood people, and why? Because they are very convincing at pretending to be other people for short periods of time. Angelina Jolie is not really Gia or Lara Croft. Jennifer Aniston is not Rachel Green, or any character she played in a movie that few people saw. Brad Pitt is not really Tyler Durden or that stoned guy he played in "True Romance."

Wait. Strike that. He probably is, just with better abs.

The point is, upon closer examination, perhaps these aren't the most stable of people in which to have a personal emotional stake. Perhaps since we've never been out to dinner with the happy couple, we should refrain from judging their bonds of matrimony.

And besides, I doubt there's a straight woman in the country who wouldn't sleep with Brad Pitt if he tried. And I doubt there's a person in the country who wouldn't do the same with Angelina Jolie.

blogified by Reid @ 2/02/2006 12:04:00 AM  7 comments links to this post