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The Super Bowl XLIV Timeline

Why is it the Super Bowl is the only event allowed to use Roman numerals?

In any case, my chock-ful-o'-sarcasm Super Bowl XLIV Timeline is now up, with entries like...

5:20pm - Carrie Underwood performs the National Anthem, clad in white stripper heels and an outfit that can only be described as "Naughty Ice Cream Truck Driver."

5:38pm - Peyton Manning throws to Pierre Garcon, which prior to this season, I thought was the guy who seats you at a French restaurant.

5:39pm - Manning throws to Austin Collie, which prior to this season, I thought was a dog breed.

6:21pm - Jay Leno appears in an ad for the Late Show with David Letterman. In other news, the Middle East opens for tourism, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are dating, and Batman and the Joker are recording a new version of "Ebony & Ivory" for charity.

For the whole timeline, check it out over at Examiner.com...

blogified by Reid @ 2/08/2010 12:19:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Who Sucks?

Honest question. When you think of a bad example of an artform, who comes to mind? We used to have universal high/low points of suckage ("Ishtar", "Heaven's Gate", "My Mother the Car", The Starland Vocal Band). What are they now?

Quick examples. When I think of "not funny," Jimmy Fallon jumps to mind. With the exception of SNL's "Barry Gibb Show" and his early musical appearances, I've never found the guy funny. His SNL career appeared to be composed of reading cue cards and making himself laugh. The thought of him having his own late night talk show just makes me want to go to bed early.
Musically, I think Nickelback sucks. The way he sings every song like he's crapping his pants bothers me.

On TV, I think David Caruso's style of matter-of-fact-I'm-just-reading-my-script delivery sucks, especially when combined with the slight 45 degree head turn where he looks like a dog pondering a doorknob. I'd rather watch Tony Danza tell the "Aristocrats" joke than see Caruso act.

Take the time, and use the pulpit. No right or wrong answers. This is your chance. Tell us all what sucks.

blogified by Reid @ 2/04/2010 12:44:00 AM  8 comments links to this post


The 2010 Grammy Awards Timeline

I live-blogged the Grammy Awards last night through Facebook. We had some great interaction for the entire 3.5 hours, here's the highlights from the big show.

7:00 (Central Time) - The Grammies confuse me. It's great that Lady Gaga and Elton John play the opener together. However, I don't understand why they had to make them up like they had just been pulled out of a collapsed coal mine, and cover their piano with outstretched mannequin arms. That seems a little random to me.

7:13 - Beyonce wins, but she can't be onstage because she's getting ready to perform. A sympathetic Grammy director then flushes the songwriters off stage after fifteen seconds.

7:17 - Oh look! It's Green Day...and the leftovers from Rent. This is great for me, I hear a good rock song, and I always think it needs a chorus of frustrated actors and jazz hands.

7:26 - Simon Baker appears wearing Elvis Costello glasses, a rumpled suit, and an undone tie. That's nice, it looks like he's channeling a drunken Michael Caine from 1978.

7:28 - Beyonce appears to sing "If I Were A Boy," apparently flanked by the armed guards from Rhythm Nation. Idle question, when was the last time Beyonce appeared without a fan in front of her blowing her hair around?

7:31 - Did Beyonce just give a shout-out to Alanis Morissette? Did Alanis die, and no one tell us?

7:43 - Upon further review, Pink has now officially made my Laminated List.

7:55 - The Black Eyed Peas perform. No big deal. I don't remember the last event of any significance that the Black Eyed Peas didn't show up for. Grammys, AMAs, SNL, CMAs, RNC, whatever.

8:05 - Lady Antebellum is doing "Need You Now"...touching love ballad? Nope. That's a straight-up booty-call song, kids.

8:35 - Okay, so we're cutting off acceptance speeches at the seven-second mark, but the Zac Brown Band (who appears to have Fat Jesus taking a pretty spicy guitar solo) can play a twelve-minute jam. Good to know.


8:47 - Taylor Swift performs. I don't know this song, but I'm going to go out on a limb and assume it's about the tortures of being a teenage girl.

From Barb, via Facebook: No, it's more complicated than that. It's about a teenage girl in love.

8:49 - Uh-oh. It's bad duet time as Stevie Nicks joins Swift for "Rhiannon." No matter how high Stevie Nicks was (which was astronomical), she was never as flat as Taylor Swift on that song. Swift's a great songwriter, but she's just flat as a hammer on this one.

8:51 - Ladies and gentlemen, on the banjolin...Butch Walker. Swift is doing her own song in the style of his cover, check it out here.

8:56 - Usher is doing a tribute performance to Michael Jackson. Isn't every Usher performance a tribute to Michale Jackson?

9:07 - Cheryl Crow appears, wearing earrings so large that Nicolas Cage takes them from her, shines a light on the Declaration of Independence, and solves a mystery.

9:09 - Did Bon Jovi just say "pile of cheese" in one of the lyrics? I liked this Bon Jovi song better the first time I heard it, when it was "Born To Be My Baby."

9:12 - Jennifer Nettles from Sugarland is onstage with Bon Jovi, and she's wearing Sandy's pants from the last scene of "Grease."

9:14 - Man, I hope Tommy and Gina have made it by now, at least. That was twenty years ago, I hope she's still not stuck at the diner all day.

9:26 - Wyclef Jean introducing Mary J, Bocelli and David Foster, singing a Simon and Garfunkel song in Italian. The poor people of Haiti couldn't be more confused right now.

9:40 - We are all scolded by a record executive for downloading music illegally, like it's 1999 and we're all drunk on Napster again. Seriously, how are our musicians going to afford drugs and hookers if you steal their music, before the record industry gets a chance to steal it? This guy makes me want to steal albums, and bootleg them out of the trunk of my car.

9:42 - I know Dave Matthews Band is a jam band, but shouldn't they have some kind of limit to the sheer number of people who are allowed to be on stage with them? There's about fifty people up there right now. Any freeform musical experiment that needs a fire code exemption should probably be rethought.


David (from Facebook): I love Dave but he needs to lose the Ernest T. Bass facial expresssions.

10:03 - Jeff Beck plays with Imelda May in a tribute to Les Paul. If she's actually singing that song, I'm a toaster. Did we really need to make a tribute to the guy who invented the electric guitar by a lip-synched performance?

10:11 - Travis Barker on the drums for Lil' Wayne because, as Louis Black would say, why the ^$#@ not?

10:13 - Hmm. Those gentlemen aren't getting much use out of their belts. The busiest man in the industry right now is the guy working the seven-second delay to keep profanity from spilling

10:22 - Pearl Jam...for Target. Make your own jokes here.

10:27 - Country singer Taylor Swift wins Grammy for album of the year. In other news, this year's CMA awards will feature a salute to Lil' John's gold teeth.

blogified by Reid @ 2/01/2010 09:59:00 AM  0 comments links to this post