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Tonight's menu: Pop culture, served with razor-sharp tools. And probably a Coca-Cola.


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Tonight On TV

Tonight, on Reid About It TV:

24 - CTU agent Jack Bauer is repeatedly told not to do something illegal, but breaks the rules anyway and is then forgiven. Innocent agents and policemen die, yet no one notices. Audrey is startled. Chloe is surly.

American Idol - America chooses whether to reward the girl with boobs, or the guy with the grey hair and the pot conviction.

Deal Or No Deal - Howie Mandel leads the audience in laughing at a woman who has traded her children's education for a box of used band-aids.

Lost - Strange coincidences abound, as Hurley finds his lottery numbers correspond with the bra sizes of every woman left alive on the island.

Desperate Housewives - Gaby is shallow. Lynette manipulates others for her own means. Bree argues with her kids. Susan trips over things. In a shocking twist, a supporting character will die and no one will remember by the next episode.

Grey's Anatomy - Thin doctors have problems (rerun).

The O.C. - Kelly and Brandon have an argument at the Peach Pit, and it drives her back into the arms of rebel Dylan McKay. Donna gets new breasts, and a new storyline. Andrea's transcript reveals she is actually a 34 year-old high school senior.

Alias - Sydney learns for the eleventh time that everything she knows is all a lie.

Quantum Leap - Sam leaps into the body of an Asian prostitute in 1973, and has to save the world by servicing Henry Kissinger for the entire hour (rerun).

CSI: ABC - Forensic examiners try and determine how a network with three of the top shows in the country can still be in last place.

blogified by Reid @ 5/22/2006 09:20:00 PM  6 comments links to this post


Things I Don't Get

I take my status as a pop culture savant pretty seriously. However, I will freely admit there are certain things that are a part of that culture, and are widely popular, that I just don't get. I don't understand them. Their appeal just eludes me.

I know that in writing bout these things, I am pretty much inviting the masses to call me an uneducated moron. Eh. Go right ahead.

American Idol - I grew up as a musician, so this one is especially hard to handle. You're not supposed to earn your recording contract by being on TV and having your family dial a phone number. You're supposed to earn it by hard work, non-stop touring, and sleeping with people in the industry.

Some people say American Idol gives a chance to singers who aren't necessarily traditionally good-looking to perform. I'll admit that it does, a very very brief chance. We can vote or the fat guy, or the gay guy, or that Elliot guy who sings well but always looks like he has a dip of Skoal in his bottom lip. But that's about it, folks. In an industry where a career lasts about 18 months, don't count on seeing these guys stick around long enough to get their own posters.

The show has created exactly one star, and Kelly Clarkson had to survive through her "American Idol" period (and a horrible, unintentionally hilarious movie that ended the career of her runner-up) before she could be successful on her own. As for the others, a cameo on "Scrubs" does not a career make.

I saw part of last week's episode where Clive Davis talked about how wrong people were who said Idol would never produce a long-term star because Kelly Clarkson has had two successful albums. That's "long-term"? Hootie and the Blowfish had two successful albums. Men Without Hats had two successful albums. That's not exactly a mark of long-term success.

And they handed Clive a plaque to celebrate all of the success of the Idol winners and runners-up, and it listed all of the success stories from the past four years.

Except for poor Justin, who's been erased.

The Bachelor - As American Idol is to superstardom, the Bachelor/Bachelorette is to matrimony. Amazingly, when you take a good-looking, successful guy, and you randomly throw 40 girls at him, one of them may not turn out to be the love of his life. He might just be happy to take his rich, handsome, newly-famous self, and enjoy women everywhere already wanting to be with him because he was on television.

The only marriage that was produced by this show was orchestrated as a part of yet another reality show.

Lost - This one I'll add the caveat that I'll probably watch the DVDs and love at some point. I tried, people. I tried once in first run, and then twice again in reruns to get into this show. I just couldn't do it. The mysteries of the island unfolded so slowly, and so deliberately, it felt like I was reading a Stephen King novel three words at a time.

Tool - Yes, everyone loves Tool. Tool is the answer to all of rock's problems. Sounds like a good marketing plan, but Tool songs all sound like angry bowel movements. They rumble, they gurgle, they scream and wail and growl, and they don't go anywhere.

Titanic - One of the biggest money-makers of all time, I hated nearly every moment of it. What lessons did we learn from Titanic? Good guys all die horrible deaths, love means it's okay to get trampy in a car with a roustabout you've just met, and it's perfectly okay to lie about and throw away millions of dollars in jewelry just because you got sexed up in the cargo hold of a boat back before World War I.

Jessica Simpson - All of the correct ingredients for an attractive woman, but not an attractive woman. I can't accurately explain it, perhaps it's the horrible acting or the blatant stupidity, but she does nothing for me.

And if you've ever slept with anybody from "Jackass", you're dead to me. You've probably got infections you can see through clothes from across a street.

Harley-Davidson motorcycles - Once upon a time, a man on a Harley was an outlaw, a dangerous man looking for trouble leaving violence and danger in his wake. Now, it's a sign that you make a lot of money in your job, and want to appear like you're the roughest cardiologist in your medical wing.

I think when you buy a Harley, they should require proof of a criminal record. No one without at least eleven tattoos should own one, and they should come with crank, herpes, and a free card for a dozen painful piercings in places of someone else's choice.

Buying a Harley just to let everybody know you have one is just another one of those things that guys do to let everyone know that contrary to pubic opinion, they do, in fact, have a big penis.

Survivor - When I think of people marooned on an island somewhere with no food, I think more of a "Lord Of The Flies meets The Blue Lagoon" concept. The way it is now, it's just a big psychology experiment among people who are insane enough to volunteer for it. How can you call this "reality" when there's no violence, rape, or cannibalism?

Tom Cruise movies - Apparently from the box office take of "MI III", I'm not alone on this one.

Okay, there you go, the chinks in my pop culture armor. Feel free to add yours, or berate me for mine.

blogified by Reid @ 5/18/2006 12:43:00 AM  3 comments links to this post


The Blaine Truth

Like many of you, I watched magician/mutant David Blaine in his attempt to stay underwater without breathing for nine minutes on ABC Monday night. Admit it, when they pulled his semi-lifeless, couching, spasming body out of the tank, was I the only one who was disappointed he didn't cough up a seven of spades and turn to host Stuart Scott and say, "Is THIS your card?"

As the credits rolled, I noticed a network position called "Assistant to David Blaine." Man, I wonder what that must be like.

Assistant's Husband: Man, I had a bad day. My boss was on me about my TPS reports, and I had to work through lunch. How was yours?
Assistant: Well, this morning David turned my phone into spiders. Then we went to lunch, and he swallowed all of the silverware. In the afternoon, he asked me to help him with a new trick, and I wound up driving a ten-penny nail into his left testicle. That one's not quite ready for the public yet.
Husband: Uh...Yeah.


So, he was unable to go without air for longer than any other human ever on the planet. The sad thing is, ABC's lineup is so bad, they've asked Blaine to do a regular show. Next week, he'll conduct an autopsy on himself.

blogified by Reid @ 5/09/2006 12:11:00 AM  4 comments links to this post


Mad Props From the Peeps, Pt. 2

Reid About It is now proudly linked on JulieTam.com, the official site of my friend, TV Reporter and media phenomenon Julie Tam. There, you can find out facts like Julie is a size 2 (or extra-small), she only eats certain types of seafood, she has never been in debt, and at peak performance, she was so flexible she could spread her legs 12 inches past the splits.

There you go, my link is evidence that I am a TAMpon, first class. Julie Tam is the new Scientology, people. Go forth and spread the gospel. This site is the reason that Julie Tam will be successful in TV, and also the reason that I never could be. Reid just doesn't like to write about Reid's self in Reid's third person.

Other sites currently linking to Reid About It.com:

I Want To Die And Come Back As My Dog I've known Angie for quite a few years, and I'm glad to see her finally unleashing some of her funny on a blog. Witty, touching, sincere, and always a good read. She describes my writing as "obscure references & scathing sarcasm," which is pretty dead-on. Most importantly, she doesn't laugh when I'm not funny. She makes me work harder for it.

Overthink: The Mind Of Christine I met Christine for National Novel Writing Month last year, where you're supposed to write a 50,000 word novel in November. I wrote 247 words, and decided my time would be better served on here complaining about Wal-Mart and cell phones. Christine's writing is a funny slice of life, rambling on from her garden to her Led Zeppelin fantasies, and back again. She's such a good writer, finding the great moments in the minutiae of life.

Big Dump Truck I knew Jody through Top5, but for some reason just began checking out her blog lately. She is truly, truly funny, with a writing style of patter that you can hear in your head as you read. Her recent letter to spammers was especially hilarious.

preTzel's Place preTzel's writing is wide-ranging, touching on everything from her family, to her own feelings about aging, to politics and the direction of the country. Deep stuff here, balanced out by the personal nature of the writing.

beenie Beenie's blog is another good read, especially as she inches closer to her 30th birthday. Mine didn't bother me at all, although my 31st left me shaken for about a year and a half. Beenie works for a cable company, so she's always got good stories.

OmegaMom
You can literally read anything at OmegaMom's blog. She's diverse and well-read, and you'll see everything from pictures of the Omega family to heavy discussions on science and religion, all well-written and researched. Very intelligent conversations here.

If you link to Reid About It and I've missed you, drop me a line at snowfire51(at)gmail.com and let me know and I'll add you to my links.

blogified by Reid @ 5/08/2006 02:30:00 PM  3 comments links to this post


Lost Behind the Wal

My local Wal-Mart now has those automated check-out lines, where you go through, you run your groceries across the scanner, you sack them, you pay for them, and then you take them out to the parking lot. What a great idea this is! I was so thrilled to get that "working at Wal-Mart experience," when I was finished, I stocked the shelves in housewares and then mopped the cosmetics aisles before rounding up the buggies in the parking lot on the way to my car.

The people these stores hire to check out your items are paid by the company, and most of the time, they still don't have any idea how to do it correctly. Why should I have to do their work for them?

I figure Wal-Mart thinks if they can just get us to ring our own groceries up, they can fire the rest of the night shift, replace them with underage illegal aliens smuggled in from Cambodia as indentured servants to the Sam Walton Foundation For Global Economic Control, and then generate nothing but profit.

And I posted about my "Trolling" game, going to Wal-Mart late at night and trying to find one single person that you would sleep with and admit to later. To take it a step further, I actually like going to Wal-Mart late at night. It raises your self-esteem like no diet or new wardrobe ever could.

When I feel like I need to lose weight, or I don't feel good about myself, I just stroll through the doors of Wal-Mart about one a.m. and take a good look around the store and think to myself, "My God. I am the most attractive person in a two-mile radius."

"I could have any woman in this Wal-Mart right now. That woman so big she's using the handicapped wheelchair, wearing the giant stained t-shirt with Tweety on it that says '51% Angel, 49% Bitch'? Even with all of my faults, I could literally be the most attractive person she's ever seen. That meth-mouthed woman with the pointy teeth and the skin stretched across her bones? I could rip that NASCAR t-shirt off her right now, and take her on this big pile of 'Ol' Roy' discount dog food. The woman with the muumuu, and the misspelled tattoo? Mine, all mine."

Who needs Atkins, when you've got Wal-Mart to boost your self-worth?

blogified by Reid @ 5/04/2006 12:06:00 PM  1 comments links to this post


Dodgin' The Draft

My NFL Draft timeline column is up at my Fistful of Sports site. If you're a sports fan, check it out for the sports humor. If you're not, it's chock-full of other good pop culture references as well. A quick sample...

Sunday: The story breaks that Reggie Bush's family allegedly lived rent-free in an expensive house while he was a student-athlete for USC.

11:05am: Watching from their rent-free luxury mansion, Bush's father is so distraught, he chooses to relax by taking a dip in their champagne-filled swimming pool.

11:18am: FEMA announces they will be making the draft pick for New Orleans. However, they will not be ready to make the decision until October.

11:21am: Reggie Bush's father tries to calm his nerves by taking his solid gold dog for a walk.

12:06pm: Tight end Vernon Davis is shown crying as San Francisco drafts him. ESPN analysts quickly point out that lots of people cry when they join the 49ers.

Check it out at Reid Kerr's Fistful Of Sports.

blogified by Reid @ 5/01/2006 01:24:00 AM  0 comments links to this post