Reid About It

Saturday, 7:30 a.m. - - A predraft catastrophe occurs when the hair of Mel Kiper, Draft Expert is damaged in transit. Luckily, a strike team consisting of a stylist, a makeup artist, and an arc welder are on hand to avert the tragedy.

2:00 p.m. - ESPN's official coverage of the draft begins, as opposed to the unofficial coverage they've been immersed in for the last two weeks.

2:01 p.m. - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the the NFL Draft, telling everyone that the new "streamlined" format of the draft will make things go quicker. That's a good thing, since last year's draft finished during the halftime show of Super Bowl XLII.

2:02 p.m. - Goodell launches right in, announcing the Dolphins pick of Jake Long as the number one pick. To show his approval, Miami's Bill Parcells smiles so briefly, it can only be seen in HD.

2:10 p.m. - ESPN analyst Steve Young says the St. Louis Rams lack heart, and says that Jerry Rice brought heart to his 49ers teams of the 90's. Young has now officially crossed the line from thoughtful analyst to the bitter, doddering old "back in my day" guy. He then calls Chris Long "Chris Young," tells a rambling story about George Seifert's driving, and leaves to go take a nap.

2:12 p.m. - The Rams select Chris Long, son of Howie Long.

2:13 p.m. - The Raiders attempt to select Howie Long, father of Chris Long. Raiders owner Al Davis justifies the decision by saying Howie would "look good in black and silver."

2:14 p.m. - A cutaway shot of Chris Long shows him being interviewed by the NFL Network's Deion Sanders. This serves the twofold purpose of
a) reminding football fans everywhere that the NFL Network is also providing draft day coverage, and
b) reminding football fans that they don't want to watch it, because Deion Sanders is on it.

2:16 p.m. - A video recap of the past year for the Atlanta Falcons airs, leading Falcons fans to weep like they've just watched a double bill of "Steel Magnolias" and "Terms of Endearment."

2:18 p.m. - ESPN provides a close up of analyst Keyshawn Johnson, who is wearing a pinstriped suit, plaid shirt, and pink polka dotted tie. ESPN HD viewers everywhere throw up.

2:19 p.m. - The Falcons select quarterback Matt Ryan. Somewhere, Michael Vick's cellmate offers to cheer him up by shanking a prison guard for him.

2:27 p.m. - ESPN analysts discuss running back Darren McFadden's past, including character concerns, nightclub altercations, and paternity suit problems.

2:28 p.m. - Raiders owner Al Davis responds, "You had me at character concerns," and drafts McFadden.

2:35 p.m. - ESPN analyst Wendy Nix in Kansas City announces the Chiefs want to trade their pick, and will take the entire ten minutes before selecting a player.

2:36 p.m. - The Chiefs, who clearly weren't listening, draft Glenn Dorsey less than sixty seconds after Nix makes her report.

2:37 p.m. - Steve Young talks about Dorsey's "heart," then slips away to drink a cup of hot tea with this month's Reader's Digest.

2:44 p.m. - With the Jets on the clock, New York fans in attendance boo. No reason, just warming up.

2:46 p.m. - The Jets take defensive end Vernon Gholston, and Jets fans break out in hearty cheers that last nearly a minute, until they notice New England has the next pick and start booing again.

2:50 p.m. - ESPN has to use on-screen graphics to explain how last year, the New England Patriots somehow wound up trading draft picks for Randy Moss and losing their first round draft pick for cheating, yet somehow still wound up almost undefeated and have the seventh overall pick.

2:52 p.m. - The Patriots make another monster trade, sending their pick to New Orleans. In exchange, evil genius Bill Belichick gets the Saints next pick, a pick next year, and Harry Connick Junior.

2:57 p.m. - A flurry of trade fever breaks out, as the Jaguars trade up to get defensive end Derrick Harvey. Baltimore swaps with them in exchange for four draft picks, Keyshawn Johnson's polka dot tie, and a top secret ABC memo that explains what's happening on "Lost."

3:08 p.m. - Cincinnati goes on the clock, and selects linebacker Keith Rivers. Analyst Ron Jaworski says he's a player that can "blow up the running back," which is one of the few crimes that haven't yet been associated with the Bengals.

3:16 p.m. - An onscreen graphic shows the Buffalo Bills were 30th in the league in offense, and 31st in defense. The Bills top secret draft folder holds a single piece of paper that says "Draft Needs: Everything."

3:37 p.m. - The Chicago Bears select offensive lineman Chris Williams in an attempt to keep their stable of awful quarterbacks conscious.

3:43 p.m. - With their first round pick, the Detroit Lions draft a wide receiver. Ha-HA! Just kidding. The Lions break with tradition, and just trade the pick rather than screw it up.

3:50 p.m. - An on-screen graphic indicates Arizona's 8-8 finish last year was their best season since 1998, thus reminding Cardinal fans their team has completed their decade-long march back to mediocrity.

3:55 p.m. - The Cardinals draft Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, a player who sounds like a top choice in the WNBA.

4:04 p.m. - The Ravens draft quarterback Joe Flacco, who Mel Kiper, Draft Expert refers to as "an athlete." Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen sends an assistant to research whether that's important or not.

4:30 p.m. - The Dallas Cowboys go on the clock. ESPN mentions that the Cowboys trade for frequently arrested cornerback Pacman Jones is complete, thus simultaneously exciting fans and terrifying strippers all over the Dallas area.

4:39 p.m. - With the loss of running back Julius Jones, the Cowboys elect to replace him. After considering Davey Jones, Jesus Jones, Quincy Jones, and Blackbelt Jones, Dallas settles on Felix Jones.

5:10 p.m. - The Texans make their pick, which they obtained from Baltimore, who got it from Jacksonville, who won it on "Deal or No Deal."

5:35 p.m. - The first round ends with the perfect storm of NFL fanship, as the New York Jets and Giants have back-to-back picks. When the crowd realizes New York gets the final two selections because the Patriots forfeited their pick for cheating, the fans begin what can be described as the world's most overweight, alcoholic victory dance.

---

Previous NFL Draft Timelines:
2007: Brady Quinn goes into lockdown.
2006: Reggie becomes New Orleans' favorite Bush.
2005: Funny nicknames and falling QBs.
2004: The Great Manning controversy.
2003: The Bengals remain on the clock.
2002: David Carr's biomechanics are questioned.
2001: Ryan Leaf makes Michael Vick a Falcon.
2000: Janikowski, baby.
1999: The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect, eh?

Some times, I really have to think about what to discuss on the PopCast. Then some days, right when I'm getting ready to record a PopCast Wesley Snipes gets three years for tax evasion. Que sara, sara.

Greater detail and even more sarcasm available on the PopCast.

Click here to download Reid's PopCast in .MP3 format (4.4M, 4:53).

It's been a heck of weekend for CNN. First, anchor Richard Quest got arrested in Central Park for loitering and possession of meth. The report says he had meth in his pocket, a sex toy in his boot, and a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals.

I've never heard of anything like this. Ever. I guess I grew up in a better neighborhood than I thought. The notion of lassoing up my old John Hancock and tying it around my neck never even occurred to me as something that might be pleasurable, much less the notion to lace 'em up and do-si-do down to the local park.

Anyway, while CNN was trying to figure out some way to make that story not quite as creepy as it really was, then another one of their talking heads almost causes an international incident.

Commentator Jack Cafferty called China's products "junk" and its leaders a "bunch of goons and thugs," sparking a wave of protests and calls for his firing.

I guess when you export a few million dollars worth of lead-painted children's toys and poisoned dog food, suddenly you're the bad guy, eh?

Anyway, CNN is having a bad week. I'll bet the head of the network is afraid to answer his phone right now. He'd probably get the news that Anderson Cooper just fell into a volcano, and Larry King just ate a guy.

The new Popcast is up, a smorgasbord of random pop culture ramblings. This week, it's "Lost," the Olympics, home repair TV, and the phrase "cornucopia of dumbassery." I don't have much of an attention span these days, I suppose.

Greater detail and even more sarcasm available on the PopCast.

Click here to download Reid's PopCast in .MP3 format (4.6M, 5:00).

The great adventure known as "House Quest '08" continues, as I search on and on for the next big House O' Reid. Prospects are getting better, if for no other reason than I'm running out of comically bad houses. For those of you keeping score at home, I had to pull my offer on the house with the leak. I was willing to overlook a lot, but I just wasn't ready to live somewhere where the rain came right up inside the house to say hello. Again, here's some tips.

If you're going to use one of your allotted pictures to show a selling point of your house, you'd better damn sure make sure people can tell what it is. Would I buy this house? Well, the first thing I'd find out is if the rug goes with the house, or is it's just for display purposes. Otherwise, I don't have any idea why I'm seeing a picture of it. It sure does spruce up that random corner of the house, doesn't it?

If it's not something that people would want in their house, don't promote it. When I'm looking for a house, I want to see pictures of living spaces, floors, and kitchens. I'm not hoping to find a picture like this, which just screams out "NOW AVAILABLE! THE WORLD'S BIGGEST GNARLED BRUSH PILE! Tangled foliage will convey with a full price offer."

Again, weird colors should be avoided. If you've decided to paint up one of your bedrooms like a big blue Easter Egg so you and your wife can go hoppin' down the bunny trail all year long, perhaps you might want to slap a coat of eggshell white on it and pretend it never happened.

That's also a good thing to consider if the previous bedroom belonged to a Washington Redskins fan.

The repainting tip is also a good one if you kept one of your bedrooms decorated just in case Prince wanted to come over and spend the night.

And finally, bear in mind that small decor changes can make a big difference. For example, in the above picture, perhaps a darker curtain on the door by the toilet would give a better first impression of the bathroom. Not only would it set the room off, but it would also keep the light from shining through the windows on that French door, and also keep me from realizing that toilet sits right next to an exterior door. That's really not a selling point for me. If I'm looking specifically for a house with a toilet as the very first thing I encounter when I enter, perhaps I should just reduce the amount of bran in my diet. Maybe eating a wicker basket for breakfast isn't getting my day started in the right way.

My local Wal-Mart now has those automated check-out lines, where you go through, you run your groceries across the scanner, you sack them, you pay for them, and then you take them out to the parking lot. What a great idea this is! I was so thrilled to get that "working at Wal-Mart experience," when I was finished, I stocked the shelves in housewares and then mopped the cosmetics aisles before rounding up the buggies in the parking lot on the way to my car.

The people these stores hire to check out your items are paid by the company, and most of the time, they still don't have any idea how to do it correctly. Why should I have to do their work for them?

I figure Wal-Mart thinks if they can just get us to ring our own groceries up, they can fire the rest of the night shift, replace them with underage illegal aliens smuggled in from Cambodia as indentured servants to the Sam Walton Foundation For Global Economic Control, and then generate nothing but profit.

I've posted before about my "Trolling" game, which is going to Wal-Mart late at night and trying to find one single person that you would sleep with and admit to later. To take it a step further, I actually like going to Wal-Mart late at night. It raises your self-esteem like no diet or new wardrobe ever could.

When I feel like I need to lose weight, or I don't feel good about myself, I just stroll through the doors of Wal-Mart about one a.m. and take a good look around the store and think to myself, "My God. I am the most attractive person in a two-mile radius."

"I could have any woman in this Wal-Mart right now. That woman so big she's using the handicapped wheelchair, wearing the giant stained t-shirt with Tweety on it that says '51% Angel, 49% Bitch'? Even with all of my faults, I could literally be the most attractive person she's ever seen. That meth-mouthed woman with the pointy teeth and the skin stretched across her bones? I could rip that NASCAR t-shirt off her right now, and take her on this big pile of 'Ol' Roy' discount dog food. The woman with the muumuu, and the misspelled tattoo? Mine, all mine."

Who needs Atkins, when you've got Wal-Mart to boost your self-worth?

For the past two years, I have been living in an apartment the size of a prison cell. My apartment is so small, you could stand in the middle and touch both sides of it, although you certainly wouldn't want to without a tetanus shot.

One good thing about living somewhere small enough to qualify as a P.O. box is that cleaning is a breeze, and not just for the fact that you can clean the walls with the spray from the kitchen faucet.

Here's a few easy cleaning tips, all inspired from desperation.

• If you have a small kitchen, it may be best to not waste counter space on appliances. It may be prudent to outsource your toast.
  
  
• Stains in the microwave are easy to loosen up. First, cook a wet sponge on high for two minutes, then wipe the microwave down thoroughly and place a plate of bacon in there. Because, you know, bacon's really good and cleaning makes you hungry.
  
  
• Whatever that is in on the bottom of the oven, it can be treated with a mixture of baking soda and water. If not, it's best to move and never speak of it again.
  
  
• If your dryer doesn't vent outside, place a tub of water underneath the exhaust to catch the lint. If your washer doesn't vent outside, you should probably buy some flippers and a snorkel.
  
  
• Lipstick on clothing can be removed with petroleum jelly, vegetable shortening, or by hiring a higher class of prostitute.
  
  
• To clean a George Foreman Grill, wet a paper towel and put it inside the grill for a half hour while it cools. To clean George Foreman, scrub him vigorously behind the ears with a loofah and let him air dry.
  
  
• Clean your rings with toothpaste and a toothbrush. It will make both your rings and your teeth much shinier.
  
  
• To get rid of bathroom odors in the short term, place an opened box of baking soda behind the toilet. In the long term, stop eating more than a pound of red meat and taking a year's worth of Sports Illustrated into the john at a time.
  
  
• If a child has drawn on your walls in crayon, it can be removed with WD-40. Barring that, you can always put a frame around it and pretend the little bugger was being cute.
  
  
• To remove cat hair, wrap a piece of tape around your fingers and pat down your shirt or blouse. Then, wrap the cat in the remainder of the tape and deposit him on the back porch.
  
  
• Instead of paper towels, clean your windows with crumpled up newspaper funnies. The leftover angst from "Peanuts" will keep your glass shiny and gleaming.
  

The new Popcast is up, where I talk about a week from Hades. Not only does "Lost" make me feel dumber every time I watch it, but I'm having problems a'plenty with real estate. Also, I go into great detail about where I was born, and what states I feel comfortable making fun of.

Caution: Great wrath and furious anger ahead, with a side order sarcasm on the PopCast.

Click here to download Reid's PopCast in .MP3 format (7.8M, 8:12).

As my regular readers know, one of my guilty pleasures was the VH1 dating show "Rock of Love," which featured Poison singer Bret Michaels searching for true love in a house full of women. And by "women," I mean strippers. Between Michaels never-ending search for love and his remarkable array of methods to disguise his receding hairline, I was hooked.

Okay, it wasn't exactly Masterpiece Theatre, but it sure was entertaining. For those of you scoring at home with reality shows, I stuck with "Rock of Love" and "Gene Simmons Family Jewels," and quickly abandoned "The Two Coreys" and "Scott Baio is Old and Unloved." I guess I can afford to be choosy, since we're at the point of nostalgia overflow.

Anyway, news is coming out now that the man who owns the mansion where the show was filmed says they trashed his house.

To start with, I hope it's not too much of a surprise that the mansion didn't actually belong to Bret Michaels. I'm sure Michaels has a nice house of his own, but not a mansion. His house probably can only hold ten strippers, or twelve if they come pre-greased.

The owner is claiming the show caused $380,000 in damage to his house. What was he expecting? When you turn your home over to a rock singer and 25 strippers, then open the bar, you're certainly not expecting to come back and find they've shampooed the carpet on their way out.

He complained about "finding holes in the walls and ceilings." Well, those stripper poles don't just clip on, Chester. If the girls are going to swing from them, they have to be bolted down. He also said the grass and plants were dead, I can only assume they choked under the weight of a thousand spilled drinks and cigarette butts.

Seriously, what was he hoping for? You lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas. You turn your house into a barracks for strippers, you wind up with collateral damage. It's just how the world works.

As I wrote last week, I am in the process of trying to buy a house. However, I was under the impression the market was down, and sellers would be bending over backwards to get us to purchase their houses. All you hear from the news is how bad the market is, and that people are running screaming from their houses and tossing their keys to anybody with fifty bucks and cabfare, and how there haven't been this many houses for sale since the day after the final plague in Egypt. Yeah, that appears to be a load of hooey. The houses I'm seeing are either accompanied by an astonishing amount of pride in the price tag, or a frightening amount of lack of attention to detail, cleanliness, and hygiene. It's like some of these houses have been maintained by color-blind trolls. Again, here's some tips.

If your room is painted in non-traditional colors like, say, green and purple, you might want to run a coat of off white across it before you open the doors to strangers. If not, you might think about including in the disclosure that one room is painted like a clown, or perhaps a cartoon duck.

A pool should be a selling point for a house. However, whoever is responsible for the house (owner/realtor/bank/squatter/whatever) should on occasion, drop by and pour a couple of chemicals into the water. Otherwise, it very quickly turns into something that looks like it should be home to reptilian humanoid creatures, hungering for human flesh.

I know you want to show off your furniture, but pay attention to how you arrange them. I look at this picture of the gas range set up on the bar right next to the purple chair, and all I can imagine is Uncle Leo's hairpiece catching fire in Christmas Vacation.

If there's something big with the house that will probably be noticed eventually, such as, say, a big freakin' tarp covering a hole in the roof, it's best to mention that up front. A little advance notice will keep me from abandoning hope and sprinting out of your backyard.

Bear in mind your choice of decor will influence opinions. What your child may think of as a canopy might lead a prospective buyer to forever associate that room with mosquito netting.

Whatever happened to just making a purchase? A while back, I bought a computer at a major electronics store, and I was subjected to no less than eight attempts to upsize my already-considerable purchase before I could get out of the store.

Giant Electronics Emporium Kid: Alright sir, there's the price on your laptop. Would you like to fill out a charge card application while you're here?
Me: No thanks.
GEEK: Do you have one of our store loyalty cards?
Me: No. Bill O'Reilly told me not to pledge my allegiance to anything except the flag and his TV show.
GEEK: Okay sir, the extended warranty for this will only be $250.
Me: No thanks.
GEEK: Well, if you have to replace the battery in this, it'll cost you two hundred dollars. The warranty would pay for that.
Me: Doesn't it come with a warranty?
GEEK: Yes, but it's only a year. And it doesn't cover the battery.
Me: Why the Hell not?
GEEK: Because it doesn't. So there.
Me: No thanks. If the battery runs out in the first year, I'm going to come back here, jam the computer up somebody's ass, and start downloading gay porn on it. And I'll be looking for you, junior.
GEEK: Fine. It will only cost $150 for our GEEK GANG to install the new super deluxe software package.
Me: No thanks. I believe too much software is the problem I have with my computer now.
GEEK: Would you like to be a part of our True Rewards system? For $10, you get 10% off all purchases excluding printer ink, and you get 10% of your grand total refunded to you in the form of a gift card at the end of the year. And with what you're spending today, you'd already make $30 in "Big Geek Cash."
Me: No.
GEEK: No? But that...that doesn't make any sense.
Me: Nope. You just gave me too many numbers to think about. That's something that sounds like a good idea, but paying you an extra ten bucks to send me a card that I will probably lose is not in my best interests. Besides, it's taken you so long to check me out for this simple purchase, my frequent flier miles have expired. I no longer care about anything except getting out of the front door.
GEEK: Yes sir, that's why we swiped your card first. Now, even if you leave, you'll have to wait in line for a refund.
Me: Grrr.
GEEK: Would you like our GEEK GANG to install that network for you?
Me: Let me guess, that's extra too?
GEEK: It's only $75 today with the purchase of the router.
Me: Can I think about it?
GEEK: Nope. If you don't give me your answer in the next eleven seconds, the price goes up to $225, and you'll have to make an appointment with them.
Me: Uh...I...
GEEK: They're currently backed up until mid-July.
Me: I don't think...
GEEK: Three seconds.
Me: Hmmm.
GEEK: Too late. That installation plan is now $495, and requires a deposit, a key to your house, and an overnight stay.
Me: Can I just get out of here, please?
GEEK: Certainly sir. Just as soon as you fill out a GEEK GANG holiday rewards plan application, and we tell you about our new buyer protection plans.
Me: Can I just get out of here, please?
GEEK: Would you like a hot apple pie with this laptop?

Is it too much just to want to make a purchase for the price indicated on the tag, and be able to leave?

The band Velvet Revolver has parted ways with singer Scott Weiland.

As a little background, Velvet Revolver was the band made up three former members of Guns N' Roses, and singer Weiland from the Stone Temple Pilots. The breakup is not much of a shock, especially when compared to the surprising fact that all of these guys are still alive.

In his own press release, Weiland sarcastically told the group that former Skid Row singer Sebastian Bach was available. That brings up the question, if you're going to restock a band in late 80s metal/early 90s grunge, where do you go for a singer? You need to find someone who:

a) Is still alive. (No Kurt Cobain, Shannon Hoon, Layne Staley, etc.)
b) Needs a steady job. (Dave Grohl has enough bands, Chris Cornell is solo again.)
c) And isn't too fat to fit into the requisite leather pants. (Vince Neil is right out.)

Any ideas? Personally, I'm hoping Jimmy Carter can be called in to negotiate the peace between the band and Axl Rose, if for no other reason than I'd like to see them have to re-re-re-record the Chinese Democracy album all over again.

The new Popcast is up, where I talk about how a New Kids on the Block reunion is a good thing, and a book from Bobby Brown is not. Also, the criteria for replacing Scott Weiland in Velvet Revolver, how "24" has helped Obama, and the best nickname I've ever heard.

Greater detail and even more sarcasm available on the PopCast.

Click here to download Reid's PopCast in .MP3 format (5.9M, 6:20).

From time to time here on the blog, I'll explain one of the random words, phrases, and pop culture references I use that might just come across as enthusiastic incoherence to anybody who's not me.

"Human Cholesterol":

Borrowed from an old Dennis Miller routine about people taking up space milling about a plane ("human cholestorol jammed in the passengerial artery,") this phrase has come to mean pretty much anytime people are just standing around in my way.

By the way, this one doesn't go for situations where people are forced to wait, such as standing in line at the post office or grocery store. It only works when people should be moving, and yet for some reason have chosen not to. This one is for the people slowly meandering down the middle of the parking lot lane, oblivious to the traffic jam their own drifting, bloated asses are creating. Oh, and 99% of the people in every Wal-Mart in the world.

Using It In Context: "I hate to wait to do my Christmas shopping, because I can't stand to try and navigate all that human cholesterol just standing around at the mall. I'd rather have my tongue laminated than have to wade through that."

I don't trust celebrities, especially Hollywood people. Never have. The very nature of the profession of pretending to be someone else for a little while does not inspire my devotion.

That being said, there are still levels of coolness to me. Paul Newman races cars, makes salad dressing, and is cool. Tom Hanks has done goofy comedies, and now picks and chooses some pretty good movies, and is cool. Edward Norton is cool because he's the best actor of my generation, has done great movies ("Death To Smoochy" aside), and most importantly, has seen Salma Hayek naked.

It's not that hard. Be nice, don't complain about being famous, take care of your children, and don't try and make us believe it's going to last forever with your backup dancer baby-daddy. Anytime I hear about someone being involved with Scientology, I automatically lower them two points on my own personal Wonderlich test. And if they jump up and down on Oprah's couch, that's another three-point deduction. Here's some of the items on my sliding scale of celebrity coolness.

• Host Saturday Night Live and be funny: +1 pt


• Go on Daily Show and be funny: +2 pts


• Appear on TV to complain about the media: -2 pts


• Give birth in Namibia: -1 pt


• Give birth in Narnia: +2 pts


• Release an album: -1 pt


• Release an album under a pseudonym (i.e. "Bruno", "Chris Gaines"): -3 pts


• Be in a Ron Howard movie: +2 pts


• Be in a Clint Howard movie: -2 pts


• Publicly support a political candidate: -1 pt


• Publicly support a political candidate with absolutely no chance of winning: +3 pts


• Endorse a product with sales going to charity: +2 pts


• Endorse a product on Home Shopping Network: -1 pt


• Publicly state your Scientologist beliefs: -2 pt


• Jump up and down on Oprah's couch: -3 pts


• Pretend to conceive a child to squelch gay rumors: -4 pts


• Run with the bulls: +1 pt


• Dance with the stars: +2 pts


• Drink with the idle rich: -3 pts


• Have Dated Tommy Lee: +1 pt


• Have Dated Ben Affleck: -1 pt


• Have a "Couples Nickname": -3 pts


• Guest voice on the Simpsons: +1 pt


• Guest appearance on Scrubs: +2 pts


• Guest voice on Family Guy: +3 pts


• Murdered in a Tarantino film: +4 pts


• Sleep with Heather Locklear: +4 pts


• Sleep with Denise Richards: +4 pts


• Sleep with Both: +12 pts


• Get caught drunk driving your Steel Horse: -6 pts

I'm in the process of moving out of my tiny, crumb-sized apartment and looking for a house. After a week of poring over real estate listings and checking out houses, I feel like I've gone from being a complete property newbie to becoming a true real estate mogul like Donald Trump or Stanley Roper.

Just for future reference to sellers, there are a few things you should realize when you're putting your house on the market, and your information out on the web.

• Your house should be spotless. If this is not possible, it should at least be clean. If neither of these things can happen, you should at least walk around and make sure the place doesn't smell like piss.
• "Cozy" means small. "Quaint" means old. "Convenient to shopping" means your driveway empties onto a Wal-Mart parking lot.
• Don't take pictures of the bedrooms and only show the corner of the room. No matter how good it looks, that's like trying to judge a supermodel by a close-up of her eye. If you have a strange, dark oddly placed room and you don't explain exactly what that room is used for, I'm going to assume it's a sex dungeon.
• If your furniture is really nice, don't put it in the picture. If your furniture is crappy, don't put it in the picture. In fact, keep your furniture out of the pictures unless it's staying in the house when I buy it. I don't want to see how well your den holds your couch, chair, desk, margarita machine, loom, hamster habitrail, and Ab Roller.
• If you leave pictures of your funny-looking family, or better yet, a framed glamour shot of you left over from picture day at Sears, rest assured we will be making fun of you as soon as we get to the car.
• Don't ever use the following words and phrases to describe your home: "Great for the price," "Newish," or "Needs TLC." Just write "Old," that's what we assume you mean.
• Remember, all we have to see of your house online is the pictures. If there's something weird about your house, your decor, or your decorating style, you might not want to broadcast it. Trying to imagine what my stuff will look like in your house when the den is full of Star Trek collectibles is kind of tough.