In my long career in the media, it's been my pleasure to know thousands of high school, junior college, and college athletes who were pursuing their dreams of making it to the highest level. These student-athletes have inspired their fans with their dedication and resolve to be the best they can be.
If I may, a brief public service message for those legions of players aspiring to reach the pros.
Your odds of making it to the NBA are roughly the same as you being struck by lightning while screwing Beyonce. Twice.
My new column is up over at my original site, Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports. Every year I do a timeline for the NFL Draft, with plenty of stuff in it to appeal to non-sports fans, too.
Here's some samples.
11:12 a.m. - ESPN analyst Ed Werder points out the Raiders are the only NFL team over the last ten years to not use a first round pick on a quarterback, running back, receiver, or tight end. Strangely enough, they also have no offensive team meetings, have no audibles, and their offensive playbook is merely the instruction manual from the 1989 video game "Tecmo Bowl."
12:51 p.m. - Steve Young finishes a five-minute testimonial for quarterback Brady Quinn, including highlights of his best throws, graphics of his abilities, and a haiku about his calm demeanor.
1:44 p.m. - New York trades up in the draft, and Jets fans let out a deafening cheer that forms a wind steeped in cheap beer and old cheese.
4:01 p.m. - Dallas and Philadelphia trade picks, which is somewhat akin to the Sunnis and the Shiites sitting down and sharing a ham sandwich.
Now that Alec Baldwin's rant on his daughter's cell phone has gone public, Baldwin has gone into damage control. He has issued an apology that will air on The View, and also called Dr. Phil for counseling.
Okay, Baldwin is aware that he's a real life human being, and not an actual TV character, right? He's apologizing on TV, he's asking for a TV psychologist to help him, what next? Is he going to go down to Cheers for a drink, or go see his physician, Dr. House? Will he hire Denny Crane to defend him in his custody case, or is he afraid Judge Wapner will rule against him?
If he's really worried about his daughter, why doesn't he just hire Tony Danza to move in and take care of her? Tony's classic character "Tony" might help that kid turn out okay.
In case you missed it, a woman in Dallas died due to a combination of alcohol and severe anger at a fast food joint getting her order wrong. Not only does this give is a good headstart on this year's Darwin Awards, but it also causes me to write scenes for a fourth Police Squad/Naked Gun movie.
Detective Frank Drebin: "This death appears to have been accidental, this woman died reaching for her fast food." Captain Hocken: "Happy Meal?" Drebin: "No, Ed. The unhappiest meal of all."
Apparently, the liberal educational system in Arkansas hasn't done much of a job explaining the principles of meteorology, or of democracy, or even the passage of time to their students.
I'm sure by now, everybody has heard Alec Baldwin's voicemail message he left for his daughter. It's become an instant part of pop culture, driving thoughts of Imus and Sanjaya right out of our minds.
First things first, Baldwin is way out of line leaving that kind of message for his daughter. However, we all say stupid things to our kids. The Bill Cosby line about sounding like an idiot in front of his kids because he's constantly censoring himself comes to mind. Baldwin obviously has problems with that control.
The big problem here is that it's no longer a family matter. Proving correct Baldwin's long-time assertions that his ex-wife Kim Basinger is indeed a batshit loonball with no sense of decency, she leaked the tape of the voicemail.
Think, for a moment, about how long in the age of the internet that message will haunt her daughter. Imagine how bad your junior high and high school existence was. Now imagine every time you get something going and you feel moderately cool, somebody loading up the dance remix of your dad calling you a pig and letting it play.
It's eternal hazing by YouTube. It's just not fair.
Johnny Hart, creator of comic strip "B.C." has passed away. Radio host Don Imus has been under fire for racially insensitive remarks, and suspended for two weeks.
Going by the rule of threes, something bad is about to happen to somebody else who hasn't been funny in twenty years.
Are you listening, Robert Klein? Beware, Jerry Lewis. Somebody put an armed guard on Chevy Chase.
Wandering around the other night, I happened upon something that was such a perfect example of marketing that I was momentarily taken aback, and then aforward, for that matter.
There's a product that has a celebrity endorsement that has stood the test of time, and even though now it makes no sense, it's still the biggest product on the market. Flintstones vitamins.
Think about it. Flintstones vitamins are synonymous with children's vitamins. That cartoon has been off the air for forty years. I don't even think the reruns are airing on basic cable anywhere. But you start talking about vitamins, and everybody thinks of them in a little Fred-shaped pill.
Nobody who takes Flintstones vitamins was alive when the show was on, for crying out loud. When I was growing up, I didn't eat Fatty Arbuckle vitamins, but somehow the Flintstones are still ranging across the generations.
Now that's some staying power. You don't see Yogi Bear doing spots for Geico. Huckleberry Hound isn't the pitchman for Xanax. Hell, Quick Draw McGraw couldn't get arrested in Hollywood these days, but everybody starts their day with a little bit of Fred or Barney.
Somehow, this modern stone age family is still raking in the big bucks. And don't get me started on the whole Cocoa Pebbles/Fruity Pebbles thing. It's a money-making syndicate through the courtesy of Fred's two feet.
The Whitney Houston-Bobby Brown matrimony debacle will finally end this month, after a mere fourteen years, one child, three arrests, a thousand punhces, and a million punchlines. To wind it up, Whitney will get full custody of their daughter.
Holy crap. Ponder, if you will, how bad of a father and a human being Bobby Brown must be to lose his child to Whitney "Crack Is Whack" Houston. Bobby must have opened a meth lab in the crib or something.
The Judge in this case had a rough decision. Faced with those choices, I would have given the child to a pack of wolves to raise, or perhaps in the custody of a large fern.
An arrest warrant has been issued for country singer Billy Joe Shaver, who shot a man outside a bar in Texas. The warrant shouldn't interfere with the release of Shaver's new country album, "Shot A Man Outside A Bar In Texas."
Google had to stop production on Monday to search for a python that got loose in their offices, according to Reuters. Wouldn't it be ironic if Google was searching for something in their offices, and all they could find in the desk drawers was porn?
Catching up on some television over the weekend, I think I've hit upon why real life is so frustrating. There are things that happen all the time on television that just don't happen to us in real life.
Cars Exploding - I've mentioned this one before, but cars explode on every single cop and detective show on TV. Every week, a dozen cars go up in a giant fireball. I've never seen one, not even once. I feel like I've been gypped.
People Angrily Leaving a Restaurant Without Eating - This happens a lot, especially in romantic comedies. there's a meal, the food is served, and then someone gets upset and storms out. I don't think I've ever been angry enough to leave without eating. And for that matter, who's paying for that meal? I don't care how angry you get during the appetizer, most maitre d' are instructed to tackle you if you try to leave without paying for that prime rib you ordered.
Overturning A Table - Here's another one. I've been waiting for somebody to get in an argument and flip a table ever since I saw Duran Duran's "Rio" video. Doesn't happen in real life, at least not on purpose.
Phone Manners - Nobody ever says "good-bye" on the phone. They just hang up and walk off. I can't help but imagine the person on the other end of that call saying "Hello? Hello? Why, you rude bastard!"
Paternity Tests - I've never known anybody who needed one except Anna Nicole Smith, but there's one a month on soap operas. And also, every paternity test is wrong. Every single one is compromised. No soap opera fan was surprised when OJ was acquitted,because they're used to things always being wrong.
Haircuts - No one every gets a haircut in an episode, nor does anyone's hair ever change from episode to episode unless it's a plot point.
Groceries in Paper Bags - I know as viewers, we have to see that somebody's bought groceries. Apparently we're too stupid to know that unless we see the characters walking in with the same type of grocery-carrying-apparatus that June Cleaver used forty years ago. To heck with recycling.
