Reid About It

Saw this for sale on clearance in my local Target last night.

How the mighty have fallen. Even after it becomes apparent that spending "A Weekend With Jamie Lynn Spears" will assure you of getting laid, this poor girl's flower has been clearanced out for the bargain basement price of just $2.98.

Which is worse, though, selling it for less than three bucks, or giving it away to any wannabee loser with his hat on sideways and a few bastard kids he doesn't pay for?

I guess the Spears family is conducting some kind of financial experiments in lowering the value of sex.

From the wires, President Bush has signed a bill aimed at preventing the mentally ill from buying guns.

Idle question, how did we not already have this?

I can't really think of an argument here that should keep this one on the table for too long, and very rarely is there a piece of legislation that I can't come up with a single point/counter-point for. This is one that I'm actually a bit pissed off that we don't already have, since it was introduced back in 2002 and just sat there, waiting for a tragedy to spur our heroes in Congress into action.

Were our legislators afraid of the mighty "Mentally Ill" wing of the NRA, and their dedicated voting block? Or their fearsome slogan, "They'll get my gun when they pry it from my sizzling lizardskin handshake woodchuck banners."

Generally speaking, when you meet someone who's wearing a tinfoil hat or talking to squirrels, don't give them a weapon. That simple rule will usually save you a lot of trouble somewhere down the line.

I'm starting a new feature here on Reid About It.com, a weekly vocabulary update. It's been pointed out to me there are certain words, phrases, and pop culture references I use that other people might not get. On "Reid-O-Pedia," I'll try and explain some of my enthusiastic incoherence. I know many of my readers are also writers, so I challenge you guys to drop one of my references into your own works and to share your quirks and expressions with me.

Our first entry: "Tony Danza bad" (TDB): Sometimes a movie/TV show is so implausible, and a hero is so unblemished and perfect he could only come from a situation where the star of the show has complete creative control over his character. The expression comes from a previous job at a TV station that required me to watch the entire run of "Who's The Boss," twice (my OSHA lawsuit is still ongoing).

As the show went on and the plots got farther and farther-fetched, Tony Danza's character (which like all of his others, is named "Tony") got more and more perfect. He was the perfect housekeeper, dad, boxer, painter, dancer, softball player, driver, etc. Literally anything his character had to do to further the plot was accomplished with skill and grace.

Here's another example. Once upon a time in 1987, Patrick Swayze was in a movie called "Dirty Dancing" that won the hearts of women everywhere where he played the world's greatest dancer. He was the most sought-after actor in Hollywood, so the next project he chose? "Road House", which I've stated many times is my favorite bad movie ever. In "Road House," he was the world's best fighter, lover, doctor, philosopher, mechanic, tai chi practitioner, knife thrower, psychiatrist, judge of character, and he had perfect hair at all times. He didn't have a single discernible flaw.

I named the phenomena after Danza because, let's face it, his catalogue is more embarrassing.

Using It In Context: "My God, I watched part of Beverly Hills Cop 3 on cable. That was Tony Danza bad. Why would a cop from Detroit also be an acrobat?"

I was at Wal-Mart last night doing some late night, searching for cheap crap and ugly people, and I ran across this sign.

Wonder of wonders, sakes alive, and holy crap! Look at the deep discount Wal-Mart is offering on this item. They've rolled the savings on this item all the way past a nickel. Every time you snag one of these rock-bottom bargains, you save an entire six cents.

I mean, I know Wal-Mart tries to do its best to slash prices, but come on! Knocking the cost of this thing down to a mere ninety-nine percent of the original price tag? How are they going to keep their doors open and pay their employees?

I was so astonished by the price rollback, I didn't even notice what they were selling. It doesn't matter. It was such a good deal, I bought three of them. First thing tomorrow when the banks open, I'm going to deposit the cool eighteen cents I saved into a brand new 401(k) account. I'm set for life, baby!

American Idol is back on television, and thanks to the writers strike, it's almost assured of rocketing straight back to number one again.

The funny thing about this year's show is it begins just a week after the big winners from two years ago are both out of a job. Maybe that should serve notice that Idol is more of a "moment-in-time-freakshow-karaoke-contest," rather than an indicator of probable long term success. It seems that we enjoy the cover songs a lot more than the full-fledged albums. Why not just sell each week's performances on iTunes, and spare us the inevitable "American Idol winners in the discount bins" moment?

Anyway, I'm trying to watch, but my logic just won't let me enjoy it. One of the successful contestants in the Philadelphia audition came all the way from Salem, Oregon, and had to sell her prize horse to pay for the trip. I'm watching it wondering if this woman is unaware that the Idol auditions travel all over the country, and if she had waited, they might have come close enough that she could drive over and try out without having to sell her worldly possessions and livestock. She seems to be a human piece of Samsonite.

The onslaught of horrible singers also amuses me, if only for wondering how many of them actually think they can sing. I think there should be a flat ten dollar fee to try out for American Idol, and all of the money should go to support Universal Heathcare. If America's going to put its good name on this debacle, it should get something out of the deal.

Whatever happened to the old fashioned way of breaking into the music business? Doesn't anybody just sleep with a music executive anymore?

When someone from my 80's youth makes the news, it's usually a good thing. However, I'm not certain what to think of this story about Bryan Adams singing love songs to the new Audi.

I'm going to assume that Bryan must have hired Willie Nelson's accountant. Why else would you be at this stage of your career and trying to make a buck singing a song to a car? I can't wait for him to break out such hits as "Summer of Oldsmobile 88" and "Everything I Do, I Do It For You...You, and My New Ford Expedition."

So tell me have you ever really, really really ever loved a Buick?

The new Popcast is up, seven minutes of reality TV, the "Cloverfield" movie, the primaries, and the ongoing state of Jamie Lynn Spears' womb.

In case you've missed it, Jamie Lynn is making a play for worst Spears sister, with the guy who knocked her up (played in this photo by James Van Der Beek's stunt double) dumping her because he thinks the baby belongs to some older TV Producer.

Greater detail and even more sarcasm available on the PopCast.

Click here to download Reid's PopCast in .MP3 format (10.2M, 7:00).

Well, the results are in from New Hampshire, and all I have to say is, "New Hampshire? Really?"

As a political nihilist, I'm at a complete loss to fathom how we take this entire multi-million dollar job search involving a profession with access to nuclear weapons, and we start it in Iowa and New Hampshire.

To begin with, I don't even know if New Hampshire is a state. On the puzzle map I grew up playing with, New Hampshire was lumped in with the other New England states in a larger, yet still tiny block. I have no idea what shape it is. It's roughly the size of a dorm room.

We've got three hundred million people in the country, of which about forty-three live in New Hampshire. More people are killed every year in Dallas than live in New Hampshire, but somehow, that's the place we look to for leadership.

It's like opening a new movie, but instead of going to New York or L.A., they use a bargain cinema in Butte, Montana to gauge public interest.

I saw this while doing some Christmas shopping, and had to take a picture of it. This is a New Choice Pregnancy Test from the Dollar Tree store, costing a grand total of one dollar.

Offhand, what do you think the failure rate of a dollar's worth of pregnancy test is? I'm guessing you could probably get similar results from peeing on a stick you found in your yard.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say if you've only budgeted a buck for your pregnancy test, you're probably not going to have too much savings kicked back for the unborn's eventual education. That poor kid's not going to see a college unless it has the words "junior" or "clown" in it.

Listening to someone call roll at a school the other day, I was more than a bit disappointed in the naming choices I heard. People are giving their kids names like "Wyatt," "Rhett," and "Colt." When did it become okay to name your child after a character in a Kevin Costner movie?

Seriously folks, do you want you kid to grow up to be a successful businessman, or a Wild West Sheriff?

The new Popcast is up, five minutes of new shows, American Gladiators, Who Wants To Marry An Amish Guy, and of course, Britney.

Britney Spears lawyers have abandoned her in her custody case, reports say, because communicating with her has become "impossible."

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this isn't just because of her undeniable craziness. I think Britney has now exhausted all of her money, and is one step away from releasing a sex tape to afford food and smokes.

Lawyers don't go running just because their client might lose a case, or they can't get them to answer their phone calls. It's when the checks stop coming in that they decide they can't work with you.

And I don't blame them. What's in it for them? They get to watch Britney show up for court late with her head shaved wearing footy pajamas, and then try and pay her legal fees with cigarette butts and unwashed thongs.

Greater detail and even more sarcasm available on the PopCast!

Click here to download Reid's PopCast in .MP3 format (7.3M, 5:00).

Disclaimer of not needing any disclaimers: This actually ran in my local paper last Friday. It's not an urban legend.

In the media, newspapers will always have an advantage over television and radio simply because of the large amounts of space they have available for detail, advertising, etc. However, with the new crop of proofreaders growing up on broken English and text messages, perhaps we should get used to seeing articles and advertisements that obviously, no one has looked at before approving.

Otherwise, this car dealership wouldn't be spending big bucks to let us know about their "Anal Year End Blowout."

It may have been a bad year for car sales, but I doubt telling prospective customers to blow it out their asses is going to help business. It sure won't help the upholstery.

Sometimes, when you least expect it, you receive a sign. God, or karma, or the whims of fate, or whatever you want to call it just reaches down, pulls back the veil, and shows you something in the inner workings of the universe for you to translate.

Over the holidays I went into a Jack In The Box, a place I never go and certainly never go inside, and as I took my place in line, I notice the guy in front of me is wearing a Members Only jacket.

Upon further incredulous inspection, it was not a reissue. It was an actual jacket from the 1980's.

Not exactly certain what the universe is trying to tell me, but I'm reasonably sure its letting me know that it was a good idea to get a cameraphone.

For the New Year, I will make the following resolutions. Please note that in no way am I to be held to my word on any of these.

• Get published. This is my number one goal for the year, to acquire a literary agent for one of my novels, and get published.


• Blog my heart out. At her blog, Tena commented that as she's working on her novel this year, she may blog less often. It'll be the opposite for me. I'll still write here, especially for the stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else. I may be working on a book, but I'll always need a place to write stuff like "Mischa Barton's mug shot makes her look like she just got pulled out of a trailer on COPS." It's hard to work that into a novel.


• Knock out the fast food. I have to realize that with exception of Chick-Fil-A, which is only a chicken sandwich, every single fast food experience I ever have is a bad one. Even the rare occasions where I actually get my food as I ordered it, it's never worth the price I pay either monetarily or in terms of discomfort. As George Carlin said, once you factor in the cost of the angioplasty, those dollar menu items cost quite a bit more than a buck.


• Not drink so many Cokes. Every year, my annual resolution has been to stop drinking soft drinks. My vow to abstain varies in degrees of success, ranging from eleven months to fifteen minutes. This year, I'm just going to cut down and not cut out, perhaps I'll be more successful.


• Handle work. Let me explain. I know my blog is read by a lot of people who I work with at ye olde television sweatshop, so obviously, I don't blog about work. If you work with me and would like to know more, please approach me with some kind of secret code word, like "eggplant" or something. The rest of you, you'll have to wait.


• Purchase a house. Currently, I live in the smallest, shittiest apartment imaginable. I live in the kind of place that broke the spirit of Billy Hayes. Worse yet, it's located about thirty yards from a college, so it's basically a dorm with less supervision.


• No heroin. This is an easy one. I don't use it now, so this one will be splashy, but easy to keep.


• Cut down on the Wikipedia. I got hooked on wikipedia a month or so ago, and quickly became addicted. You think arguing on the internet is pointless, you should try keeping vigilant watch against vandals who keep trying to drop the word "BOOBS" into an encyclopedia article about Brett Favre. There's got to be a better way to spend my evenings.


• Get in shape. I will attempt to begin working out. Barring this, I will attempt to begin watching the "Working Out TV Channel".


• Clean it up. I will try to hold my profanity to a minimum, unless I am driving, at work, or at home.


• Throw it out. I will learn to resist the urge to open SPAM emails with really funny subject lines. Just this past week I fell prey to "Hymen Destroyer," "Transcribe Parcenary Bulgary," and "We Want Yur Skin!". I'm a sucker for good rhythmic gibberish.


• Career path. I will make good on my promise to go back to school and finish my athletic management degree, so I can achieve my lifelong goal of becoming a professional wrestling referee.

Happy New Year, everybody!