Reid About It

I know we're all guaranteed religious freedom in America, but I'm not exactly sure if buying a discount Bible is the best way to make it to heaven.

Nah, you don't need all four Gospels. And really, why do you want to know about all twelve apostles? You can just hit the highpoints.

This is like getting the Cliff Notes of the Bible. You know when you get to heaven, they might just ask you where you got the Word, right?

St. Peter: And where did you come to know the Lord, son?
You: Uh...on a table at Barnes & Noble. Marked down. Remaindered, really. They were right next to a pile of Michael Crichton novels.
St. Peter: Which ones?
You: "Congo" and "Sphere."
St. Peter: So, the crappy ones?
You: I guess so.
St. Peter: Yeah, you're going to have to wait over there.

We're down to two surviving members of the Beatles. There are only two of the original members of the Who left.

However, we still have all four Monkees.

The universe is a cruel mistress sometimes.

Of course, I still have a dream. Since the Beatles have lost both of their guitarists and the Who are without a rhythm section, one day we'll see Paul, Ringo, Roger, and Pete get together as...The Whootles.

I can dream, can't I?

I've tried to teach my daughter the principles of being funny. There are universal lessons to learn about when to joke, when puns are appropriate, the comedic rule of threes, and other ideas.

One of the things I've shown to her is how you can take any funny sentence and make it funnier, just by adding the word "again" to the end of it.

"Mom, the dog ate the remote control...again."

"I forgot where I parked the car...again."

Well, those are rather innocuous examples. How about one where the comedy just saddles up and rides straight at you.

Here's a story about a man charged with having sex with a horse...again.

You know, sometimes "Neigh" means "Nay!"

My favorite thing about this article, well, other than the dude having sex with the horse, are the pictures. There's a mugshot of the guy...and then the picture of the horse.

Do they always put pictures of the sexual assault victims on the news? Shouldn't the picture of the horse have that black bar across his eyes so we can't recognize him down at the track?

For those of you watching "Big Brother 11," it sure seems like Ronnie has dodged a bullet this week.

For those of you who aren't watching it, how about that Sarah Palin, eh?

Anyway, I'm following Big Brother 11 in my own sarcastic way over at Examiner.com. I also blog about TV in general there, check it out Today's column deals with Ronnie slipping by, Jessie not being quite as dumb as we think, and some classic "Chill Town" moments.

A sea lion has sexed himself to death.

Yep.

The German sea lion over-exerted himself during mating season and died of exhaustion, thus proving that guys of any species have a one-track mind and when confronted with sexual opportunities, will ignore everything from a doorbell to chest pains to total numbness on the right side.

The 19-year-old sea lion had previously fathered 12 pups with three different mates, thus making him the aquatic Evander Holyfield.

Why would someone who shops at Wal-Mart be worried about their identity being stolen? Every time I'm in Wal-Mart, I find myself dreaming that I could be someone else.

"Hello?"

"Yes, Mr. Skeeter McFoxworthy? This is Acme Credit, we've noticed some unusual activity on your account. Saturday, someone with your credit card went to Wal-Mart and bought a Toby Keith cassette tape, six Dale Earnhardt Sr. collectible plates, and a camo colored baby crib."

"Yeah, that was me."

"Then, Sunday that same card was used to purchase deodorant, a John Coltrane boxed set, and a toothbrush."

"Son of a BITCH!"

A photo from today.

Was I shopping in Target, or a high-end sex shop?

You make the call.

After two weeks of Big Brother 11, I've come to a conclusion. The underlying theme of the show is not "cliques," it's actually "ridiculous."

Ronnie, we get it. You're smart. You're the Big Bang theory uber-nerd and one of the few people who gets the game and understands how to play. However, it's ridiculous for you to admit that to everyone right off the bat and set yourself up as the Rainman of Big Brother. Did you not learn the importance of seeming harmless from Brian last year? In the first week, Brian set himself up as the king of the household and prime mover and manipulator, made everyone nervous, and got voted out. It's week two, and Ronnie is already wearing the target.

Casey, it's ridiculous that you're a forty-one year-old teacher and you still dress like one of Tony! Toni! Toné!'s backup dancers. With the exception of three-hundred year-old Jerry from last year, it seems that Big Brother only puts on older contestants if they have some kind of alternative background. Rennie was a New Orleans gypsy, Sheila was a Penthouse pet, and Evel Dick was, well, just evil.

Jeff, it's still ridiculous that you thought "technotronic" was a word in the veto competition. The only time that word has ever been used, it was set to a groove and preceded by the lyrics "This beat is..."

Laura, your breasts are ridiculous. It just needs to be said.

I'm all for freedom of expression, but Lydia's tattoos are ridiculous. She doesn't look like she's making a statement with her body art, she just looks like a human doodle pad.

And finally, Jessie, it's ridiculous that you've been on the show for two years straight now and still have no idea how the game is played. You have more experience than anyone on the show, and yet no one even notices you as a threat.