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Bryan Adams vs. Lindsay Lohan...To The Death

Okay, this one just confused the heck out of me. According to E!, teen waif and future E! True Hollywood Story subject Lindsay Lohan was injured recently after dropping a teacup after getting out of the shower, and a piece of the cup cut her, requiring stitches.

The weird part? It all occurred in Bryan Adams' house.

Yes, that Bryan Adams. "Cuts Like A Knife", Canadian pockfaced 80's icon Bryan Adams. She was showering, and having breakfast at his house.

And the article never explains why!

Come on, you can't just throw that out and expect the red flags not to fly. If I saw a picture of Hillary Duff riding around with Richard Marx, I'd want a little back story.

"Heiress Paris Hilton, shown here vacationing with boyfriend and former Tubes-frontman Fee Waybill..."

blogified by Reid @ 1/31/2006 02:33:00 PM  3 comments links to this post


Irrelevant Tangents

  • I heard a Dallas sportstalk radio station ran the promo "Breaking Sports News First...Guaranteed!" Guaranteed? Or what? Or my money back?

  • They now sell something called "Black Cherry Vanilla Diet Coke". I can see the soda executives sitting around the table, discussing the new product, and wondering if they could get "just ONE more chemical in there somewhere. Hey, let's make it Diet! And turn it black! And then, we'll have to put a warning label on it that says 'Do not drink if pregnant, may cause mutation.'"
  • I saw a place advertising "Do It Yourself Pest Control". Isn't that just a shoe?

  • I've somehow gotten sucked into watching "Dancing With The Stars."
    Yes, I'm ashamed of me too. However, I only watch for Stacy Keibler, and for Master P. Not being a professional watcher of the dance, his hilarious, stumbling, Frankenstein-like stomping is the only thing that I can point to on that show and say that I can actually understnd. Every week, he figures he's going to get voted off so he can go home, and every week, his fans make him come back for another round of painful hoofing. I understand you people wanting to support him, but being a fan and voting for him to make him dance every week is like being pro-life, and rescuing a fetus just to make it enroll in military school. Let the man go.

  • I live in the kind of town where you have to get on the waiting list for IHOP.

  • People always seem to get excited when one of those free standing fairs comes to town. The carnies set up on a parking lot, and bolt the rides into the concrete and take off. You know, I just don't trust portable roller coasters being run by an elementary school dropout with six teeth, two noses, and rickets.

  • I'm not sure how much longer I'll be writing at this site, I'm involved with a new charity and that's taking up a lot of my time. It's an organization that takes sarcastic guys and airdrops us into small, third-world countries where humor is at a premium. I'm very proud to be associated with "Assholes Without Borders."

blogified by Reid @ 1/27/2006 11:30:00 AM  7 comments links to this post


Metrosexual Healing

As a man, I'm worried about my place in society.

Back in the 1970's, there was a movement towards sensitivity. Suddenly, being macho was out, and being in touch with your feelings was in. Alan Alda was the perfect male, and men were crying over their emotions and getting into EST, and other things like that.

And women loved it. For about a month.

And then they decided they wanted their men to be men again.

And the pendulum swung so far back the other way, the ideal man became a sweaty, illogical brute. Rambo became a national hero by killing everyone in an enemy uniform. Bad cops in buddy movies became icons. Working out and smoking became simultaneously cool. For some reason, we allowed there to be four Rocky sequels. Jason Voorhees became a national hero, somehow.

Then, it came back a decade or so later, and went the other way, but this time much farther. Now, we're dealing with the horrible fallout from the metrosexual movement. Guys decided that what women really wanted was gay men, and have decided to get into fashion, and moisturizer, and makeup, and everything else normally not the area of manhood including carrying purses.

Manbags, whatever. Who are we trying to fool here?

Anyway, we smell good, fellas. Our skin is soft and moist, and we are all well manicured. And we've got about two weeks before our women tire of us taking longer than they do to get ready to go somewhere.

I'm afraid now that it's gone so far, the only way to reaffirm our manhood in the eyes of our women will be to be complete cavemen. Domestic violence will come into vogue, and we'll get rid of everything that even vaguely smells like perfume, and start covering ourselves in our own feces. Women will demand to be dragged around by their hair, and GQ Magazine will spotlight the "sloped-brow look". Stars on the red carpets will cling to the bare arms of their men, and boxing gyms will replace Starbucks as the new hip hangout places.

And for one brief shining moment, guys will actually covet the "Tony Danza Look".

blogified by Reid @ 1/18/2006 07:23:00 PM  3 comments links to this post


100 Words: Fear

"I'm not afraid of men," Isaac said. "I've fought in the war, and been in fights all my life. Men don't scare me. All a man can do is hurt your body."

He coughed, and his wheelchair shook. I leaned forward to listen to his whispered words of wisdom.

"Short of killin' you, anything a man can do to you will heal, and pain is only temporary. It'll go away eventually."

His eyes stared off into the distance, as if focusing on something through a distant window.

"But a woman...a woman is dangerous."

More 100 word stories available in the 100 Words section.

blogified by Reid @ 1/11/2006 12:29:00 AM  1 comments links to this post


Upsize This!

Whatever happened to just making a purchase? Over the holidays, I bought a computer at a major electronics store, and I was subjected to no less than eight attempts to upsize my already-considerable purchase before I could get out of the store.

Giant Electronics Emporium Kid: Alright sir, there's the price on your laptop. Would you like to fill out a charge card application while you're here?
Me: No thanks.
GEEK: Do you have one of our store loyalty cards?
Me: No. Bill O'Reilly told me not to pledge my allegiance to anything except the flag and his TV show.
GEEK: Okay sir, the extended warranty for this will only be $250.
Me: No thanks.
GEEK: Well, if you have to replace the battery in this, it'll cost you two hundred dollars. The warranty would pay for that.
Me: Doesn't it come with a warranty?
GEEK: Yes, but it's only a year. And it doesn't cover the battery.
Me: Why the Hell not?
GEEK: Because it doesn't. So there.
Me: No thanks. If the battery runs out in the first year, I'm going to come back here, jam the computer up somebody's ass, and start downloading gay porn on it. And I'll be looking for you, junior.
GEEK: Fine. It will only cost $150 for our GEEK GANG to install the new super deluxe software package.
Me: No thanks. I believe too much software is the problem I have with my computer now.
GEEK: Would you like to be a part of our True Rewards system? For $10, you get 10% off all purchases excluding printer ink, and you get 10% of your grand total refunded to you in the form of a gift card at the end of the year. And with what you're spending today, you'd already make $30 in "Big Geek Cash."
Me: No.
GEEK: No? But that...that doesn't make any sense.
Me: No. You just gave me too many numbers to think about. That's something that sounds like a good idea, but paying you an extra ten bucks to send me a card that I will probably lose is not in my best interests. Besides, it's taken you so long to check me out for this simple purchase, my frequent flier miles have expired. I no longer care about anything except getting out of the front door.
GEEK: Yes sir, that's why we swiped your card first. Now, even if you leave, you'll have to wait in line for a refund.
Me: Grrr.
GEEK: Would you like our GEEK GANG to install that network for you?
Me: Let me guess, that's extra too?
GEEK: It's only $75 today with the purchase of the router.
Me: Can I think about it?
GEEK: Nope. If you don't give me your answer in the next eleven seconds, the price goes up to $225, and you'll have to make an appointment with them.
Me: Uh...I...
GEEK: They're currently backed up until mid-July.
Me: I don't think...
GEEK: Three seconds.
Me: Hmmm.
GEEK: Too late. That installation plan is now $495, and requires a deposit, a key to your house, and an overnight stay.
Me: Can I just get out of here, please?
GEEK: Certainly sir. Just as soon as you fill out a GEEK GANG holiday rewards plan application, and we tell you about our new buyer protection plans.
Me: Can I just get out of here, please?
GEEK: Would you like a hot apple pie with this laptop?

Is it too much just to want to make a purchase for the price indicated on the tag, and be able to leave?

blogified by Reid @ 1/03/2006 05:23:00 PM  7 comments links to this post