PopCast: Thursday & Friday & Saturday Night Lights
This week's PopCast returns to answer the question, just where has Reid been this week? Well, it's football season in Texas. Click on the video on that page, and you'll see my ultra-humid live shot from last night. East Texas starts the season with three whole days of peace and love and football, so I stay pretty busy.
Today's PopCast attempts to explain just how seriously Texans take their football. That "Friday Night Lights" book wasn't even close. "Friday Night Lights" is to Texas football like "Hogan's Heroes" was to World War II.
More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.
Have you ever been around speakers, or a PA system when someone's cell phone goes off? It makes a horrible, cyber-grinding sound as the phone creates interference in every single electronic device around. But it's fine on your brain, don't even worry about it! Those synapses of yours are much better insulated than expensive computer speakers. There's very little chance that you get to sixty, and wet your pants and bark like a dog every time a garage door opens in your neighborhood.
I went to the men's room in an IHOP in Houston, and the door said "Men - Caballeros". I like that. I was just going to use the can, but suddenly I felt all jaunty.
I have a good cable TV system. Clint Eastwood is always murdering somebody on one of my networks.
I'm pretty much carbon neutral. However, I still have lingering prejudice against lactose.
It has come to my attention that everytime I mention Jenna Jameson, I get hits on the website like I've just discovered a cure for gingivitis. So there you go.
I think a great title for a breakup song would be "She's Like The Wind, Because She Blew Everybody."
My MP3 player has about 100 songs on it at any given moment. Why, then, does it play Loverboy's "Hot Girls In Love" every single time I turn it on and listen more than 5 minutes?
Owens sausage has a flavor designated "Extra Mild." What the Hell is that? Is it super-average? Is it extra-medium? Does it have that certain lack of taste that mild foods have, except an exciting amont of it?
Lowe's has those shoplifter-proof security gates in their stores. Why? Is that to stop a guy trying to smuggle out a dishwasher in his pants?
I saw a laundry detergent that was for "front or top loading washers." What are my other alternatives? Is there a "soiled-linen-injected" model? Perhaps some kind of washer where you actually load the laundry through a hidden compartment underneath the unit? One where I have to go out in the front yard and jam the dirty clothes into the emergency turn-off valve by the mailbox?
I like going to PetSmart, because I can pee anywhere and nobody gets suspicious.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately, hoping for inspiration. After reading several crime thrillers and being disappointed, I've decided to write my own non-cliched novel.
My novel will be centered around a man in prison for a crime he did commit, and a mafia hitman who has no problems killing women, children, and dogs. There's a hooker without a heart of gold, but rather with a fiery crotch of chlamydia. Tracking the case is a policeman with two weeks until retirement, who has one last case he doesn't care at all about solving.
Some of the minor characters will be a henchman who's a former ballet dancer, a PI who keeps breaking the laws the cops wish they could break, and also keeps getting arrested for it, a wisecracking bartender who's new in town and doesn't know anybody, and a mafia don who spends nights surfing Match.com.
The story begins with the murder of a bookie who takes odds on "Big Brother," and a shipment of guns coming into town from an arms dealer with a huge comic book collection.
I plan to have the case solved by a former cop who drinks, but not too much.
Just in case they get around to changing it, this is from the tenth paragraph about McCain's possible VPs...
"His top contenders are said to include Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. Less traditional choices mentioned include former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge, an abortion-rights supporter, and Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent."
Nice to see the AP is using the same quality spellcheckers that keep your average thirteen-year-old's blog safe and sound. Although as of right now, the article has been up for seventeen hours, so perhaps it wasn't a typographical error. I guess it's like they say, "the truth is an absolute defense against libel."
There's been a lot of talk about the new "Beverly Hills, 90210" spinoff coming out. Let me be the first to say, "Good luck" and "it won't work."
Sorry. I give it a year of heavily-hyped media attention, then a quick fade.
The original "90210" was a surprise hit. Back in 1991, FOX took a chance and aired new episodes of the show over the summer, thus breaking the long-standing policy of the big three networks to only show reruns over the summer months.
Let me correct myself. I say they took a chance, in reality they were just desperate. Fox was airing shows like Drexell's Class, Get A Life, Haywire, and Parker Lewis Can't Lose, some of which lasted so briefly, even wikipedia doesn't remember them. At the time, 90210 wasn't even in the top hundred shows, so they literally had nothing to lose.
And so they did it, and it worked out. Dylan and Brenda's summer romance was the talk of the nation, at least among the coveted young female demographic. The show gained popularity, spun off two shows, and quickly went downhill. Worse, almost every actor left the show at one point or another. Worst of all, Brian Austin Green wasn't one of the actors who left.
The show was a fireball, a product whose legend far exceeds it's actual use. Sure, people remember the chants of "Donna Martin Graduates," but who recalls the murder of Dylan's fiance? Or Vanessa Marcil and Donna turning out to be cousins and half-sisters? Or when everybody realized that Andrea was in her 30's and still in high school, like Cameron Crowe?
Do we need another "90210"? What's to be gained from reimagining the show? That current young female demographic doesn't remember the show, they remember "The OC" and "Dawson's Creek."
They have their own memories. A new "90210" is like hearing a song you used to love when you were a kid and enjoying it, then realizing it wasn't that great anyway and going on to the next one.
This week's PopCast returns with a hot, freshly prepared batch of pop culture and sarcasm. Please do not use the PopCast and attempt to operate heavy machinery unless you have someone filming you at all times. Also, we talk about...
-- What is "synchronized diving," and why is it on my TV? -- The Olympics: How to tell a sport from a grand waste of time -- Bret Michaels uses VH1 to pick up chicks again -- The Batman-Different Strokes Web Of Doom -- Why "Big Brother" contestants don't appear to understand the show
More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.
I watched the Transformers movie last night. Five minutes after I finished with the movie, I couldn't remember anything about it. I vaguely remember making a joke about Shia LeBeouf drunk-driving his Transformer car, then a bunch of stuff blew up, then Megan Fox was sweaty, then there were more explosions, and it ended with the Transformers peacefully standing guard over the main characters while they made out, which was kind of creepy.
Anyway, that's two hours of explosions already in the past. The larger issue here is football season. For the second straight year, I'll be opening the Reid About It Fantasy Football League. If you'd like to play but are new to Fantasy Football, don't worry. I've been playing for fifteen years and last season, I still finished seventh of eight and was so bad, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made a personal phone call to me to knock it off.
If you'd like to play, drop me a line at snowfire51/at/gmail.com (email tweaked to avoid spammers). It's free and fun for everybody, usually except me.
I'm going to let that sink in for a minute. Now I'll tell you that it was a birthday present for himself. Yep. Sitting naked in a food prep table bubble bath is the ultimate gift.
The video was pulled pretty quickly, and Burger King Corporation said it has parted ways with...well, everybody.
Burger King said they disposed of all kitchen tools and utensils used in the incident, and are retraining the staff in "health and sanitation procedures."
To begin with, the fact that naked guy was using kitchen tools to clean himself adds a whole new level to the shock and awe of this story. What "health and sanitation procedures" could Mr. Burger King possibly be teaching his employees?
Lesson One: Get your dirty, naked ass out of the sink. Lesson Two: Keep your dirty, naked ass out of the sink.
I love to go shopping. I don't even call it "shopping," I refer to it as a "purchasing excursion." It's not for any financial reasons, but more for the freakshow and bizarre products that I seem to always run across.
Last time, to begin with, I met this festively dressed woman in the parking lot. I resisted the urge to take a bat and crack her open to see if candy and toys poured out.
In the beverage aisle, this product caught my eye. This really unnerves me. It's an A&W Root Beer float in a bottle, just sitting there on the shelf at room temperature.
Call me wacky, but that's not usually how I like my ice cream.
This contains nitrous oxide. Should I be eating anything that contains the same ingredient that powers rocket engines?
How nice. Guitar Hero now comes loaded with Aerosmith, just like Aerosmith used to come loaded to all of their shows.
How much extra would I have to pay for this game to stop right before they recorded that love song to a meteor?
There was a sale on toilet paper, now with aloe and vitamin E. I never even thought to ask about this one.
You know, if your rectum needs vitamins and aloe, you might want to rethink your dietary habits. You might want to cut down on your intake of red meat and wicker furniture.
It may not be necessary to eat an entire bowl of rope for breakfast every morning.
I almost bought this, a Spider-Man shower curtain. No real reason, I was just amused by the thought of a super-hero needing to get cleaned up after a hard night of crime-fighting.
It kind of takes the edge off to think about Batman peeling the sweaty leather suit off of him and needing a scrub down, doesn't it?
Finally on my way out of the store, I saw this display featuring Brett Favre for John Madden Football 2009.The Curse of Madden Football rides again. Apparently, not even being retired can protect you from its icy grasp.
No matter how far away from football you get, the curse can still reach you, drag you back in, and make you play for the Jets.
My nice, quiet dinner table conversation this weekend was shattered by a war whoop, followed by a human train of wait staff snaking their way through the restaurant, clapping and singing their particular version of "Happy Birthday" to a table full of revelers and trying to get the entire building to sing along.
As a room full of bright-vested people tried in vain to feign interest in an impromptu get-together for a person they'd never met before, I tried to block out the clamor and just go back to eating. I uttered a silent prayer the brownie-bearing ringleader wouldn't spot my disdain for forced enthusiasm, and single me out.
There! Him! He is the one who does not clap along with us! Attack him! Punish him! Beset him from all sides, and force a festive had 'pon his head!
I detest it when waitresses try and press gang me into service to sing "Happy Birthday" to a total stranger while my food gets cold. While your cup of soda stays empty, and your queso remains God-knows-where in the kitchen, your waiter sings and dances around a sombrero for the amusement of someone who's not even sitting in his section.
If I wanted to go to a birthday party for someone I don't know, I'd get a job at Chuck E. Cheese. I don't want to be pressured into singing for a total stranger. What if that guy is planning on celebrating his birthday by getting drunk, robbing a gas station, and then blowing up an abortion clinic later? I don't want to encourage him.
And maybe it's not that good of a deal for him either. Let's face it, if you're spending your birthday in a chain restaurant eating something called "Happy Day Nachos" and drinking a "Sunrise-A-Rita", simply having some teenage strangers singing to you in hopes you'll leave a big tip is not going to turn your life around.
Why don't they just pass around a hat quietly and take donations, and instead of leaving a tip for the hypersexed sorority waitstaff, we can all throw in a buck and the birthday boy eats for free? If he's hitting a milestone birthday, I'd throw in a few bucks to help him drink away the pain of time.
Or better yet, why don't they just give him the use of one of the waiters/waitresses for an evening? That way, everybody's happy and I can get my Cheez Fries delivered before the rest of my meal arrives.
ABC: Desperate Housewives -- Susan trips over things, Bree is uptight, Lynette tricks Tim, Gaby is a sociopath (repeat). ABC: Lost -- In a cruel twist, the Oceanic 7 are picked to be on the new season of "Big Brother." ABC: Extreme Home Makeover -- The gang makes over Neverland Ranch in an attempt to make it more kid-friendly, with disasterous results. CBS: Two-And-A-Half Men -- Charlie and Alan discuss with Jake how it's possible that their show has been on for five years, and yet no one has any memories of ever watching it. CBS: CSI: Duluth NBC: ER -- For the 14th consecutive year, horrible things happen at County General Hospital, which must have been built on an Indian burial ground or something. NBC: Deal or No Deal -- Howie Mandel gets America to laugh at a woman who just swapped $100,000 for a roll of quarters. NBC: America's Got Talent -- Live coverage proves actually no, it doesn't. FOX: 24 -- Jack Bauer finds his new mission is to free Keifer Sutherland from jail. FOX: Family Guy -- Peter equates Brian's rabies with the time he worked as P-Diddy's pool cleaner. MTV: Pimp My Mom VH1: I Love Yesterday Morning ESPN: Live coverage of Brett Favre sitting in traffic. NFL NETWORK: Fashion Week -- Live coverage of ESPN's coverage of Brett Favre. VH1: Behind the Music -- The tragic fate of Josie and the Pussycats. BRAVO: Inside The Actor's Studio -- Examines Christopher Walken's career, from up and coming weirdo to highly respected creepy bastard. TRAVEL: "Branson, Wal-Mart's Las Vegas" FOOD: "Cooking for Bulemics"
This week's PopCast returns with a batch of fresh headlines, and why it's impossible to read the news and maintain a smile. Also...
-- Why Big Brother contestants don't seem to have ever watched the show before -- That new "Twilight" book that I don't get, either -- Snoop Dogg gets busted, yet again -- Why I'm afraid of new Beatles tapes -- How video killed the movie-reviewer show -- And why I think Professional Paintball is like "The Last Starfighter"
More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.
This week's PopCast returns to answer the question, just where has Reid been this week? Well, it's football season in Texas. Click on the video on that page, and you'll see my ultra-humid live shot from last night. East Texas starts the season with three whole days of peace and love and football, so I stay pretty busy.
