Reid About It

HOPE, ARKANSAS -- I was going to pull over and get my car cleaned at the Jesus Lazer Wash, but at the last second, I decided to go to the Buddhist Zen Wash instead.

The trivia snippets made a comeback this week, a fairly easy one apparently. Our first correct answers came from Anna in Griffith, IN. In addition to being a big fan of Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers, she also owns a Mexican restaurant out there. Our other winners were Brian in Dearborn, MI, Shane in Tyler, TX, Martha in Ipswich, MA, and Patrick in Los Angeles, CA. The correct answers were

1) Everybody Wants To Rule The World/Tears For Fears
2) Too Shy/Kajagoogoo
3) Dance Hall Days/Wang Chung
4) Rock This Town/Stray Cats
5) Turning Japanese/The Vapors

Thanks to everybody who tried, and there will be more trivia coming up in Friday!

80's Trivia returns this week, five small snippets from songs from the 80's, can you name them?



I'll post the winners next Tuesday. First person to get all five right gets to give a shout-out here at ReidAboutIt.com. Make me proud, you guys. Have a good weekend.

I've been hesitant to write anything about Anna Nicole Smith. Maybe it's just the fact that I've seen her naked, but I hold nothing for sympathy for a beautiful woman who just went way too far on way too little.

However, we've been seeing her non-stop on television for five solid days. Did I miss where she was elected queen, or screwed a Kennedy?

Anna Nicole Smith was a Playboy Playmate with an eighth grade education.
She was beautiful, but dumb. She was great in print ads, but when she tried to act it was horrible. She was the female Antonio Sabato Junior.

Here's my memory of the Anna Nicole Smith timeline. She was naked in Playboy, changed her name, was the hottest Playmate of the Year ever, and signed a deal with Guess. Then, she was a walking punchline for twelve years. She progressed to be an awful actor in comedies, and did bad softcore movies. She married a guy from the Old Testament she picked up in a strip club, and was tied up in lawsuit over his leftover money for a long time. She gained a lot of weight, then lost it while endorsing a diet aid that appeared to be methamphetamines. She got a show on E!, where she appeared to be the most chemically addled ever reality star ever, a title she'd lose a few years later to Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. She vanished for a while, returning with the most confusing pregnancy since Tony Randall had a kid. Then, she died under mysterious circumstances, which really aren't that mysterious if you saw the photos of what was in her refrigerator.

She led a very interesting life, but not really honorable, and certainly not enough to warrant this Lady Di treatment she's been getting in the media.

I have never worked as Eric Stolz's stunt double.

Wikipedia was not my idea.

I was not part of the threesome that broke up the Dave Navarro-Carmen Electra marriage.

My first job was not as rebel anesthesiologist Danny O'Toole on "General Hospital" in the early 80's.

I did not receive a Presidential pardon at the end of the Clinton administration.

I never played in the XFL.

I never dated Alyssa Milano. For that matter, nor did I ever see Danny Pintauro in any kind of intimate manner.

It was not me playing the bass line on Young MC's "Bust A Move."

I never attended Empire State University. In fact, that's not even a real school. It's the college Peter Parker attended in the Spider-Man comics.

I did not have Ram Jam's "Black Betty" played at my first wedding.

My mid-90's relationship with Roseanne Barr ended in divorce, not an annulment as I had hoped.

I was not one of the replacement cousins on "Dukes Of Hazzard."

Despite what I say, I never slept with Eddie Money's girlfriend.

The show starts with a disappointment. We've been promised a Police reunion, and we get one song. No medley, just one song from their first album. They were hyping this like it was peace in the Middle East, and it comes and goes so quickly that if you tuned in late, you missed it. I guess after 20 years of enmity, we should be greatful for what we get. Stewart Copeland can still play like no one else.

Shakira is a human slinky, which is a really good thing.

Mary J. Blige wins her first Grammy of the night, and reads a thank you list with more people on it than bought Tom Petty's album.

The crawl at the bottom of the screen tells us Don Fagen wins for "Best Surround Sound Album." I have no idea who came in second place in this category.

The Grammys have now become a reality show, as we're asked to vote for who will sing with Justin Timberlake later on in the show. Somewhere, the other four former members of N'SYNC wonder why nobody's voting for them.

Justin Timberlake sings and plays piano on a song he wrote, while filing his performance on a camera he's carrying around in his own hand. Say what you want about old JT, but at least he's taking an active role in his career. It wouldn't surprise me if he knitted that shirt he's wearing and carved his piano out of a giant boulder.

Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts perform a tribute to the Eagles, which means they do cover songs. They play four songs, which takes forever. Why not just have the Eagles play on this show? And more importantly, if the Rock And Roll Hall of Famers The Police are held to one freakin' song, why are the American Idol and Skeeter Hollow permitted to assault us with average bar band cover songs for twenty minutes?

We get the montage of the deceased, and apparently it was a pretty healthy year for musicians. They even have time to throw up a quick shout-out to Ed Bradley.

The montage closes with a thirty second tribute to James Brown. Even dead, he still makes an appearance on the show, proving he's still the hardest working man in show business, even in the afterlife. The Godfather of Soul dies and we get a half minute dance, followed by a close-up shot of a cape. Makes the earlier show without end from Carrie Underpants and Cooter Junction even more pointless.

Quuentin Tarrantino and Tony Bennett come out. Now that's a party I'd like to be invited to.

Neil Young is always up for album of the year, and yet I have never personally known anyone who owns any of them.

Don Henley comes out to give away the Record of the Year award. What the Hell? If Don Henley was there, why couldn't he just play the Eagles songs earlier?

The Dixie Chicks win Record of the Year. The terrorists win again.

Longtime readers of mine know what a fan of horrible movies I am. When a movie that's truly bad beyond all levels of the word "badness" comes on, I just bask in it's awfulness. It takes a lot to make the list of bad movies. Just being cheap and stupid won't do it. A really good bad movie makes you question the very reason it was ever written, approved, and committed to film.

"Man Of The House" is just such a movie.

Forced to watch this movie on a seven-hour bus ride, I attempted to turn away several times. The sheer horrible truth of the movie prevented me from escaping.

Quick recap. Oscar winner Tommy Lee Jones plays a Texas Ranger (law enforcement, not baseball) who does things "by the book." Jones has to move into a sorority house with the University of Texas cheerleaders after they witness a murder. Hilarity ensues.

This movie has it all. A plot so obvious it seems to have been constructed by seven-year-olds. Magic cheerleaders who can do anything. A guest appearance by Cedric The Entertainer, and a page of script that simply says "Cedric The Entertainer: Does a bunch of goofy crap." The main storyline of the cheerleaders being stalked that disappears halfway through the movie with no explanation. A pair of romantic subplots with no explanation at all. Atrocious dialogue. Horrible southern accents that appear and disappear. Random explosions that make no sense. A bad guy who's alternately trying to kill the hero, and talking about how he needs him alive to get the treasure.

If you get a chance, watch this movie. Then try and figure out what the Hell Tommy Lee Jones is doing in it.

Your official Super Bowl XLI timeline:

1:00pm - The pregame for Super Bowl XLI begins, brought to you by Chrysler, a CBS show that won't last long, and yet another Eddie Murphy movie where he plays all of the characters.

1:01pm - CBS analysts reveal the gametime forecast for Miami calls for "intermittent showers". "Intermittent" in this case meaning more like "begin assembling two of each animal."

2:31pm - A pregame feature on the quarterbacks of Super Bowl XLI shows that at his current pace, Colts QB Peyton Manning will reach the NFL Hall of Fame. Conversely, Bears QB Rex Grossman is currently on pace to have a lousy day, miss the playoffs next year, and be out of football and working at a Hardee's in Jackson, Tennessee by 2009.

2:48pm - Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson, who was arrested during the season for having six unlicensed handguns and more than 500 rounds of ammunition, begins his two-hour trip through security.

3:15pm - Former Colts running back Edgerrin James does a pregame interview where he says he's happy for his former teammates, then weeps quietly into his perpetually 5-and-11 official Arizona Cardinals crying towel.

3:48pm - The festivities begin on the field, introduced by Gloria Estefan. As far as Miami cultural icons go, she's right up there with Dan Marino, Elian Gonzalez, and Al Pacino in "Scarface".

5:17pm - New York's piano man Billy Joel sings the national anthem, proving my earlier point about Miami not having any icons.

5:27pm - On the opening kickoff, Bears rookie Devin Hester returns the kick for a touchdown. Tony Dungy becomes the first black coach ever in the Super Bowl to bite through his own tongue.

5:31pm - Miami Police detain Tank Johnson during his player introduction.

5:34pm - CBS analyst Phil Simms gives his keys to the game. Surprisingly, one of them is "Don't kick the ball to Devin Hester, because he'll run it back for a touchdown."

5:36pm - Colts QB Peyton Manning throws a pass that's intercepted.

5:39pm - Bears QB Rex Grossman throws a pass that's almost intercepted, leading analysts to point out that Manning is far more accurate with his throws.

5:43pm - Phil Simms uses the telestrator to show how Chicago is trying to deny Peyton Manning the long pass. The Bears are lining up their safeties deep, one in the end zone and the other lined up six rows deep in the stands shielded by a beer vendor.

5:47pm - Peyton Manning throws a 53 yard touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne.

5:49pm - In a marketing tie-in, the Colts elect to Fed Ex the ball to the Bears, rather than kick off.

5:52pm - Thomas Jones runs for 52 yards to set up a touchdown for Chicago.

5:56pm - A new ad campaign for Snickers tells you it's okay for a man to kiss another man for a Snickers bar. It sure seems to be an ad for homosexual prostitution, and not so much for the candy.

6:04pm - The Colts recover the fourth turnover of the quarter. It appears to be raining butter in Miami, from the way they're dropping the ball.

6:32pm - CBS's Jim Nantz mentions flunking out of meteorology school, to which Phil Simms replies, "You should have given the teacher an apple to get her to pass you." Millions of Americans start to wonder what the Hell decade Phil Simms grew up in, since nobody's brought their teacher an apple since "Leave It To Beaver" went off the air.

6:50pm - The Colts fumble again. Not to be outdone, the Bears regift the ball back on the next play.

6:56pm - Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal, sending us to halftime with Indianapolis up 16-14.

7:06pm - The Super Bowl XLI Halftime Show begins, brought to you by Pepsi, the NFL Network, and Prince's hair wrap.

7:07pm - Prince performs at halftime of the Super Bowl, marking him as a legitimate American music icon trusted to provide entertainment to millions of families. He celebrates by only playing songs from his "Purple Rain" soundtrack album, which was the album singled out in the mid-80s as profane and began music censorship as we know it. If there were a Super Bowl of Irony, Prince would be the MVP.

7:13pm - The halftime show features Prince playing songs by Prince, Tina Turner, Jimi Hendrix, and the Foo Fighters. Is this Prince, or Stars on 45?

7:21pm - Millions of sports fans wonder why if Prince and his dancers can perform on a wet stage in high heels without slipping, their team just can't hang on to the damn ball.

7:47pm - Rex Grossman falls down in the backfield for a sack, then fumbles the next snap. The Bears take second down and one, and turn it into fourth down and twelve, thus proving the old adage, "When life gives you crap, make crap-ade out of it."

7:59pm - Kevin Federline appears in the most memorable commercial of the night, for something or other.

8:21pm - Rex Grossman makes the worst pass in a Super Bowl since Steven Tyler tried to pick up Britney Spears at halftime of Super Bowl XXXV. The Colts score.

8:31pm - With the lead 29-17 for Indianapolis, Rex Grossman responds to the pressure by finding an open receiver deep, then throwing a pass so high it wounds a bird. The Colts can't help but make an interception.

8:46pm - The Bears fail to complete a fourth down situation, thus ending the competitive portion of our game.

8:58pm - Colts win, 29-17. Peyton Manning is MVP of the game, his team, and the Manning family.

CAVE CITY, TN -- I like a motel without delusions of grandeur.

How many stars? Five? Four? Nope. Set your sights a bit lower.

I think a single star will be plenty. No need to spend more than twelve bucks on room and board. Those extra stars cost money, you know. Just take a room at the Star Motel, lay back, and shut up.

Enjoy our unheated showers, the black-and-white TVs, and the incontinent-al breakfast.

Nothing's too good for you, and that's just what you get at the Star Motel!