I had something else to write about today, but I was stunned into writer's block by the sheer awfulness of the new Nickelback song.
It's a charming little love song called "Something In Your Mouth." It was an instantaneous reminder of why I didn't mind when the FM radio in my car went out for years.
Here's a quick peek at the chorus to this song.
You're rip'n up the dance floor honey You shake your ass around for everyone I love the way you dance with anybody And tease them all by sucking on your thumb You're so much cooler when you never pull it out 'Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth
I'm not even sure that counts as a double entendre. Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming to have never owned an album that contained awful cock-rock songs. I lived through the glory days of hair metal, where everybody was so high and horny they wrote crap like "Cherry Pie" and "Pour Some Sugar On Me."
This is the kind of song, however, that makes "Unskinny Bop" look like "American Pie."
Lost Returns, And Reid's Theory of Finite Awesomeness
"Lost" returned last night, and as this will be a spoiler-free post, I'll just say that I enjoyed it immensely. "Lost" has never been much for giving us answers, but it certainly does a good job of making the old questions not relevant any more. I still wonder occasionally why they never told us why there are polar bears on the island, but we've got much bigger questions to wonder about now.
To me, the renewed appeal of "Lost" is wrapped up in one sentence. I know "Lost" will end in May 2010.
That's it. I know with as many questions as "Lost" brings up, in sixteen months it will all be over. Every episode will lead to that point, and the series is on the clock until then.
After a meandering third season, "Lost" announced it would run six seasons, then end. The fourth season picked up the pace tremendously, and made the show fun. No matter how weird it gets, I know they can't just string us along.
I think having a finite lifespan is a big bonus to a show that's going to tell a story. Perhaps "According To Jim" can go on forever with no distinguishable drop (or rise) in quality, but when you have a show based around a premise that asks questions, you really should let the audience know you're going to eventually pay off.
It's "The Shield" versus "Prison Break," for example. "The Shield" set a deadline, and you knew with every week, the situation was getting more and more intense. Anything could happen, because after a certain date, they didn't have to have enough characters left to put on a show.
On the other hand, "Prison Break" could have been a really good one-year show. After a few years the novelty of breaking into prison, then breaking out of prison, then breaking back in and out of prison just kind of gets to you.
"Heroes" is another good example. The first season was great. The second season was fairly awful, and the third season was even worse. The show is floundering badly in a retread of every plotline that ever worked, and I'm rapidly losing interest. Heroes started by answering questions rapidly, sort of the anti-"Lost." Since then, they've stretched things out to ridiculous lengths because there's no end in sight for the show.
With "Lost," the payoff on the investment of your time is guaranteed. I can respect that.
As a quick refresher course, Drew Peterson is the fifty-five year-old guy who is the sole suspect in the death of his current wife Stacy. His previous wife, his third if you're scoring at home, also died under mysterious circumstances that were later ruled a homicide.
This cat is just a winner from the word go, I tell you.
So now his current girlfriend, who is twenty-three years old and doesn't seem to watch much television or read the newspapers, is moving in with him.
If you marry Drew Peterson...no, let me change that. If you date Drew Peterson or see him socially in any way, chances are you will die. When Big Daddy Drew takes you out to eat, you might as well have all the red meat and cheese you like, and wash it down with vodka and cigarettes. Your odds of making it long enough to suffer from a long-simmering disease are pretty slim.
And furthermore, when you disappear somewhere to be eaten by sharks or piranha or gophers, or when you die in a random tragic accident around the house, don't expect us to mourn you. I'll go on record right now as saying it's a waste of tax dollars to dredge the water for you.
That's a marriage certificate that should come with a waiver.
My AFC & NFC Championship game previews are up at Examiner.com. Not only will you find my picks there, but also jokes about everything from Kordell Stewart to Animal House to televised flag football.
Even if you're not a sports fan, there's something in it for everyone. As Joe Bob says, check it out.
Well, Jack Bauer has returned. The new season of 24 premiered last night, and I'm cautiously optimistic. That may be because the quality of the series has improved, or perhaps it's only because it's been nearly two years since we had new episodes and I've finally gotten the stench of last season off of me.
I'll hold off on the full-on examination for a few more episodes, but I will say that watching terrorists try and take over a computer network to crash airplanes is frighteningly reminiscent of "Die Hard 2," which is certainly not a good thing.
My pup and I are regular visitors to Barnes & Noble. She's a great reader, so we normally cap off our evenings out by dropping by, reading a few hundred dollars worth of books, drinking a small bottle of juice from the cafe that costs six bucks, and generally having a grand old literary time.
As I came in through the front door, the first thing to catch my eye was the giant display of half-off calendars.
This officially marks the end of the holiday season for me. Christmas starts when Santa Claus begins showing up on Coca-Cola bottles, and ends when the New Year calendars go on sale.
Then, I went on to the games section. I'm not sure why Barnes & Noble has a game section. Games are something you normally play at parties, and books don't usually go over well at gatherings. You don't invite everybody over to all gather in the living room to break up into teams and read "Moby Dick."
Anyway, they now have a Beatles version of "Monopoly." I counted more than a dozen different versions of Monopoly for sale including NFL, Family Guy, James Bond, and Pokemon editions. Does anyone really need more than one kind of Monopoly set? Hell, has anyone actually ever seen a game of Monopoly end in any way other than with a bored-out-of-your-mind surrender? I've played probably two dozen games of Monopoly in my life, and technically, most of those games are still going on.
Trivial Pursuit now comes in "Easy, Medium, or Hard" questions. I guess that was the problem, sales were down because they just weren't hitting that 24-49 dumb guy demographic. Nothing like being able to play a hotly-contested game of Trivial Pursuit against a total simpleton. You're naming the capitol of Zimbabwe, and he's keeping up by correctly identifying "eggs" as where chickens come from. Sounds like a blast.
Twilight books? Yeah, I think we've got a few of those over here somewhere.
Everybody loved this "Marley & Me" book, and now loves this movie. I have absolutely no desire to read it, see it, or be told about it.
Yes, dogs are good. They make us feel good. They love us, and then at the end of the book, they die and we all cry. I get it.
I'm fully aware that if I read this book, I will cry regardless of the literary content. As a man, I haven't been allowed by society to cry since the 1980 Winter Olympics. I will abstain.
On a table full of "Dummies" books, I spotted this timely tome entitled "Investing in an Uncertain Economy."
TIP ONE: Don't buy investment books at Barnes & Noble. One Dummies book isn't going to make you into the next Suze Orman. Making financial decisions based on a Dummies book is like planning wartime strategy based on a game of "Risk."
They also have a large section of Books on CD. This is something I just don't understand. I get the concept of having a book on tape or CD for a specific purpose, such as taking a long trip. They're great to listen to in a car or plane. However, who wants to keep these things around forever? I see books on CD as a perfect rental item.
A bookshelf full of books means you enjoyed them, and might refer to them again at some later date. A bookshelf full of CDs of books says you were too busy to read them the first time, and if you wanted to look something up, you'd have to go back and listen to 8+ hours of narration.
Finally, there were several tables and displays full of diet and exercise books, apparently trying to cash in on everyone's new year's resolutions before they all fall by the wayside. I can't help but think that coming to the conclusion that I'm a great big, fat, lazy load sometime in the middle of July would be a lot cheaper than making the break on January first.
I also think a great idea for a diet journal like this one would be to have a secret page halfway through a Winter month with a twenty dollar bill attached to it. You make it that far, you can treat yourself to ice cream.
I'll be back tomorrow with another shopping excursion post, this time to Barnes & Noble. Today, something far more important.
One great thing about the internet is the ability to become close to people without ever having met. One guy I feel that way about is my buddy Travis, a funny guy, a great writer, a fellow Texan, and semi-adequate fantasy football manager. Even though I've never actually met Travis face to face, I consider myself a friend and a fan.
As you can see from Travis's blog, tragedy hit their family last weekend. They lost their home and everything they own to a fire. That's not a great way to start 2009.
Some other friends and fans of Travis have started a fundraiser for his family. Since Travis is famous for his "one word at a time" philosophy, we're going to help him and his family rebuild, one brick at a time.
If you'd like to help out a fellow blogger and a funny guy, check out their site at Habitat For Travis. I'm sure the family would appreciate it, I know I certainly would.
While you're at Trav's blog, check it out. There's some great stuff there, some fantastic stories and wonderful American writing. He makes me proud to be a Texan, even though Amarillo is about as far away from Tyler as you can get and still be in the Great State.
I had something else to write about today, but I was stunned into writer's block by the sheer awfulness of the new Nickelback song.
