Reid About It

What a wonderful economy we seem to have these days! I'm not exactly certain what happened, but I certainly do appreciate the way my retirement account has bounced to the point where I'm not even certain if I can afford to live in a really nice refrigerator carton anymore, or if I'll have to retire to a cheaper lean-to down by the overpass.

I think this proves conclusively we've learned our lesson from the Great Depression. We all remember the stories of financial executives throwing themselves out of windows. Now no matter how bad they've #^@% the bed, we make sure they get a nice severance package on their way out. It keeps the streets clean of bodies, I suppose.

Kids, if you don't know what the Great Depression was, it was more than just the thing that killed that Kurt Cobain guy. Wikipedia it.

Over at The Street.com, they published an article on the ten reasons you're not rich. Some of them were pretty obvious, so I've decided to help my readers out with some reasons of my own why you might not be rolling in dough.

* You are paying for anything on a weekly basis.

* You currently have a problem with a large unsecured debt obtained in a bar bet.

* After buying rims, your vehicle costs more than your house.


* Addendum: If your vehicle is taller than your house, that's not good either.

* You should not see "shiny teeth coverings" as a major investment.

* When you see the stock market ticker scrolling at the bottom of the screen, it makes you immediately flip over to ESPN to check the college football scores.

* Your portfolio isn't diversified. Don't buy all your ceremonial collectors plates in Elvis. Spread them around, get some Dale Earnhardts.

* With times tough, you have to wait for the Christmas rush to do maintenance on your meth lab.

* All your money goes to your legal team. (OJ only)

* Your plans for "cashing in your retirement account" involve sitting at the kitchen table with a Folgers can full of loose change.