Reid About It

So, Mel Gibson is crazy. Who'da guessed? Just because he used his own hand to crucify Christ, who would have ever thought that he might have some unresolved issues?

Gibson was pulled over for drunk driving, and responded with a drunken tirade against Jews, cops, and "sugartits". He ranted against Jews for quite a while, saying they were out to get him, and they were responsible for all the wars in the world, and that Seinfeld was overrated, and many other things.

I'm surprised Mel didn't say he was only drinking water, and some Jew must have turned the water into wine in his stomach to make him drunk.

Gibson's publicist Alan Nierob, says, "He is in a program of recovery at this time."

Well, that sounds good, until you consider that Mel considers Hitler's "Final Solution" a program of recovery, too.

Ryan Reynolds and Alanis Morrissette are still dating. For those who may not know, Reynolds is that guy who's always the funny guy in his movies, and Alanis is the angry singer whose name is actually "Atlantis" with the "letter "t" removed.

Anyway, they were engaged this year and broke it off, but now they're back together.

Let me explain this from a guy's point of view. Of course they're still together. Alanis is not somone you can safely break up with. Have you ever listened to "You Oughtta Know"? It's the best, bitterest, most vengeful breakup song ever. Anybody who can get that pissed off about a guy from "Full House" is not somebdy you want to cross.

She's somebody you have to hang around for a while, gradually disillusioning them about you until THEY make the decision to leave. That way you won't wind up immortalized in song, with not only vengeful comments but also your own personal perversions laid bare for the whole world to dance to.

"Will she go down on you in a theatre?
Will she cover herself in butter for you?
Will she brand herself with your name?
Will she blow a park ranger while you watch?
Will she? Huh? Huh? Aaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhh"

Yeah, exercise extreme caution when disengaging. In fact, you might want to wear a helmet and a cup.

Well, maybe not in pill form, but certainly by subscription. If you're one of those people who use RSS, XML, or some other kind of feedreader to check out blogs every day, link to my feed (http://www.reidaboutit.com/atom.xml) to get the updates on Reid About It.com delivered hot, fresh, and free to your newsreader.


Bonus Joke:
Hey, Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson got married!

"Hey, I caught the bouquet! Oh, and Chlamydia."

Friday means the weekly free music and trivia challenge. The free download of the week is from another of my bands, Reid & The Riot Act. Here's a cover of Tony Carey's 80's classic, "Fine Fine Day". Enjoy! Or not, whatever.

My favorite musician of all time has a new album, Elvis Costello is back with Allen Toussaint for The River In Reverse. Really good sound to it, adding the horns to his sound really gives it a New Orleans feel. Check it out.

And your 80's challenge of the weekend, snippets from five songs from the 80s. Can you name them? First one to do it gets a free haiku, or other prize of no real value.

I'll post the winners next Tuesday. Make me proud, you guys. Have a good weekend.

Britney Spears has fired her pool guy. He says she was mean to him because he was hanging around with K-Fed Yo, and talking music with him.

With all the legitimate problems the general public could have with Britney (talent, choice in men, baby-rearing styles, etc.), why suddenly are we up in arms because of the word of a pool boy?

Thanks for your opinion, Spicoli, and thanks for keeping K-Fed Yo company. If I had a pool and hired you to clean it, then came outside and saw that suddenly I had two worthless bastards standing around it, I'd be pissed too.

I see Britney's point. She's already got to foot the bills for the baby-daddy. You're not subsidized, you're paid to work for a living. Stop hanging out with her hobo husband and get that pool skimmed.

And if you're in a band, why would you bother talking to K-Fed Yo? The man recorded a song so bad, it was only released on 8-track and reel-to-reel tape. It was leaked onto the internet, and the internet sent it back. He can't help you, if he can't help himself.

Pretty good results this week for the Friday Trivia Challenge. Martha in Massachusetts becomes our first two-time winner, with the first correct set of five answers. Martha, as I reported last month, is the world's biggest Neil Finn fan. Also going 5/5 this week were Kimberly in Ohio, Rachel & John in Texas, Lisa in Washington, and Matt in Kansas. Here are the trivia answers for this week.



More coming up this Friday!

Friday means another round of weekly free music and the ever-popular trivia challenge. The free download of the week is from my band, The Caucasian Boys, and it's a cover of a Men At Work song. No kidding. Here's "I Can See It In Your Eyes". Enjoy! Or not, whatever.

The current Reid About It Band of the Week is Ray LaMontagne, a gravelly-voiced singer-songwriter. I was blown away after I saw him on Austin City Limits last year. His MySpace site has a new song, and three off his last album. "Jolene" is a personal favorite. When he sings, you can hear every mile that he's ever travelled.

And here we go with the trivia challenge of the weekend, snippets from five songs from the 80s. Take your best shot.



I'll post the winners next Tuesday. Make me proud, you guys. Have a good weekend.

Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro are splitting up. They're calling it the curse of MTV. Might I also suggest they've fallen prey to the "Curse of The Model-Musician Marriage," "Shallow Culture Syndrome," and "People Who've Slept With Dennis Rodman Complex".

It's ring-a-ding-ding for Mickey Spillane. He was my favorite Jehovah's Witness, probably because he never came by my house.

John Cusack has a restraining order against his stalker. Come on, John, just pay him the two dollars so you can finally be done with him.

Hey Oprah's not gay! Somebody tell Steadman he's not off the hook yet. Oprah loves Travolta and Tom Cruise, but she wants it known that she's not gay. That's like sportscaster Howard Cosell titling his autobiography "I Never Played The Game."

The end of Christie Brinkley's marriage is a bit more exciting than originally thought. The article refers to Brinkley as a "52-year-old supermodel." Is she really still a supermodel? Is that a title like "President", where once you attain it, it's yours forever?

LA detectives are requesting the city attorney's office file charges of reckless driving and driving with a suspended license against Daniel Baldwin after a late night car crash. Funny, for years people have been saying Daniel Baldwin couldn't get arrested in Hollywood. Now, I guess we'll get the official word on it.

I love it when things go wrong. It's just my nature. I especially love to see pre-packaged entertainment go horribly awry. When we spend months talking about how good Lisa Marie Presley's album is going to be, or what a great TV show Heather Graham is going to have, and then those things come and go in a flash, I get a little warm feeling inside me. It's not because I have anything against those artists, I just love to know that marketing is still fallible, and we can see through it to judge things on their own merit.

Movies, especially heavily advertised summer blockbuster types, are a special favorite of mine. When something is hyped up so impossibly large that it can't help but come apart under its own weight, I enjoy trying to pinpoint the moment of collapse. Let's face it, nobody is going to go see "Little Man" or "Seed of Chucky" with any hopes of it changing their lives. It's when movies are made out to be more than they really are that I find it funny.

Here, in no certain order, are some of the most disappointing cinematic experiences I've ever had. Feel free to add to the list.

Matrix 2 + 3 - After The Matrix, I was blown away. I was intrigued, and confused enough that I wanted to know more. Well, after 5 more hours of Matrix, including 52 kung fu fights and 11 million bullets, I'm even dumber than I was before.

Star Wars, any of the new ones - What can I say, I'm not 7 anymore. I see through empty, effects-laden sequences where the actors aren't allowed to be interesting. How much drama can there be in a spaceship crash where you already know all five characters on board are in the next movie?

And for me, the most interesting part of the first series of movies wasn't the whole Jedi Knight cult, or the universal Force, or the farmboy Messiah. It was Han, the lifelong mercenary who finally found something worthy fighting for. In the new three movies, there were no characters who lived outside the lines of good and evil. Nobody ever behaved any differently than they were supposed to.

The good were good, and the evil were evil. Nobody changed sides except the guy you knew was going to. And that made the last movie was just three hours of sitting there, watching the greatest warriors in the galaxy getting killed in a two-minute montage and waiting for Anakin to put on the Darth Vader mask.

Beverly Hills Cop 3 - Okay, I didn't expect that much, but I did figure I'd see a few laughs along the way. Unfortunately, Eddie Murphy had Danza-like script approval, so anything Axel Foley wanted to do, he could do. He reprogrammed computers and fixed security systems, and walked the wires on a ferris wheel to rescue stranded, sick, starving orphans.

At this point, I should admit that it does seem like I don't care for sequels. Yeah, it sure seems that way, doesn't it? As a rule of thumb, the chances of a sequel being worth watching are in inverse proportion to the amount of time between the original and the second chapter. Two movies in three years? Might not suck. Eight years between "Caddyshacks"? Intense suckage ahead.

The Hulk - Special effects are a tricky thing. If they're done too well, they may overpower the movie, as in the Star Wars movies above. If they're done too poorly, they may distract at important parts of the plot.

And if they're done so terribly, horribly, awfully unrealistic that never for one single fleeting moment do you believe that the title character of your movie is real, then they're not really worth much.

The only good thing about how bad the effects were is that it distracted you from noticing how awful the plot was, too.

The Blair Witch Project - AHHHH! OH MY GOD! IT'S STICKS! ANGRY ANGRY STICKS! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! RUN!

Seriously, what the Hell was that? I heard about this movie for weeks, and walked away thinking I saw somebody's sophomore year film school project.

Van Helsing - Again, I didn't expect much. Just a coherent plot and better effects. As a reminder to a long-standing Hollywood tradition, if you have a movie with Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and Dracula in it, it had better star Abbott and Costello.

Napoleon Dynamite - Might have been better had I not heard lines from the movie for months before I finally got around to seeing it. This was a story where every single character was slow, right?

Eyes Wide Shut - This movie was, at least, a big breakthrough in the lucrative world of non-erotic porn.

Twister - Hard to take a movie seriously that has tornadoes that thirst for revenge.

The Bridges Of Madison County - Okay, this one wasn't really marketed at me, I understand. But this movie was taken from the top book in the country, that was number one on the New York Times Best Seller List for three years. It inspired a fanatical loyalty from Robert James Waller's fans.

Then, Hollywood makes a movie where they go out of their way to make the romance real. Meryl Streep gains weight and frumps up, and Clint Eastwood mumbles his lines to the best of his ability, making his declarations of poetic love sound like the grumblings of Philo Beddoe.

It was the kind of everyman romance that made Waller's book resonate with its readers. And it was real. And it wasn't attractive. And it spoiled the magic that existed in the imagination of the book's fans. And it made less money than "Waterworld." Oh, and it ruined the allure of the book, and the style. Waller's later writings weren't even close in sales or acclaim, and now, you can buy "Bridges" on Amazon for a penny.

Constantine - Perhaps I should just expand this list to include most comic book movies, and "Anything Keanu Reeves is in". They took a great character, a Machiavellian anti-hero who plays both sides to balance out the middle, and turned him into...well, Keanu. And speaking of comic book movies...

Watchmen - I know this one isn't even out yet, or written, or cast, or anything. But judging from what I've read, taking the most ground-breaking piece of comic work in the last 40 years and handing the project off to the guy whose only credit is directing the "Dawn Of The Dead" remake isn't a good start.

I hung my head down, and spit. The rush of blood to the side of my face came to a boil in my mouth, and the taste of metal hung on my lips even as the dark blob hit the wooden floor.

The smile on the goon standing over me told me he enjoyed that last closed-fist lovetap he delivered. In a moment, he'd enjoy the next one even more.

My hands strained against the ropes, holding me tight against the old wooden chair. I could feel my trusty knife hidden in my back pocket, but there was no way I could reach it at this angle.

I'd have to take some more punishment before I'd get a chance.

"Again," came the word from the little weasely one, the apparent brains of the operation. The other two went to work on me again, fists pistoning into my ribcage to drive the breath out of me, then a backhanded slap across the chops to get my attention. Funny how when there's a crowd of these guys, the littlest one is always in charge. Put 'em together, and these two big mugs couldn't figure out a 10% tip if you gave them all day. They had all the muscle in the world, but had to rely on a guy who stood five-and-a-half and weighed a buck-o-five to tell them what to do.

The thick one with the shaved head was enjoying himself a little too much, and I felt something pop under the right side of my chest. My body doubled in pain, and my fingers reached the top of my pockets behind me. While I coughed up another wad of black and red pain, I drove my hands down until I felt cold metal, and I grabbed that knife like a wino grabs a fresh bottle.

As I looked up, I saw the weasel pulling the skinhead off of me. He wanted it to hurt, but he didn't want to kill me yet. I had something they still needed, the location of a friend.

This guy had been there for me. He was always on my side. When I needed help, he was there. He didn't ask questions, he just handled his business. In a time when men were becoming something less, he stayed true. He stood for something, though he'd never admit it.

And now, they wanted him. And I'd be damned if I was going to give him up.

I coughed hard again to cover the sound of the knife opening. The hacking came with so much pain inside, it was followed by another.

The weasel walked up to me and bent down in my face. "You know what we want."

I looked up. The single light that hung over my head made this character look even shadier. At this point, there were only four of us in the building.

That meant there were only four of us who knew I was still alive.

I had cut through one coil of the ropes, but with everything quiet I couldn't make too much effort. I needed a distraction.

"Where's Hammer?"

"Mike, Sledge, or MC?"

That did it.

Skinhead moved in and hit me right in the same spot again, the place on the right where my ribs were floating in a sea of pain. While bright lights put on a fireworks show on the inside of my eyelids, I gritted my teeth and sawed through the ropes.

Two down. One to go.

Skinhead's partner exploded his fist into my face again. I felt teeth come loose in my mouth like bloody marbles.

But I felt the last rope tear. And it was worth it.

Weasel backed his muscle off of me again, and climbed right down into my face.

"Where's Hammer?" he snarled, trying his best to look tough.

I threw back my head. For the first time in hours, I finally allowed myself to smile. My mouth was stained with blood, my teeth blood-stained nubs. My clothes were dirty and stained. Behind me, loose ropes hung over my hands, hiding the knife clenched tight in my sweaty palm.

"He's gone," I said. I laughed out loud as they realized how futile this afternoon had been for them.

"Hammer's gone. He's somewhere safe."

"He's somewhere you'll never touch him, you bastards."

And I laughed again, long and hard. And I squeezed that knife tight in my hand.

-- For Mickey Spillane, 1918-2006

Lots of people got close this week, but #3 seemed to be the hardest one to identify. My first correct answer came from regular contestant Lisa, from Washington (by way of my home town of Carthage, TX). She nailed the first four, then came back with #5 soon after. Here are the correct answers.



Another contest starts Friday. Thanks for playing!

Friday time, another round of weekly free music and the ever-popular trivia challenge. The free download of the week is from my band, The Caucasian Boys, and it's a Gin Blossoms cover (in honor of last weeks' Band of the Week). Here's "Found Out About You". Enjoy! Or not, whatever.

The current Reid About It Band of the Week is Amos Lee, a phenomenal singer-songwriter from Phildelphia. His MySpace site has four songs off his album, and also his Austin City Limits show from last year. Really good stuff, acoustic folk with a good gospel and soul influence.

And here we go with the trivia challenge of the weekend, snippets from five songs from the 80s. No one went 5 for 5 last week, so can you be the first this week? First one to do it gets a free haiku, or other prize of no real value.



I'll post the winners next Tuesday. Make me proud, you guys. Have a good weekend.

Not a day goes by the somebody doesn't hit on this website searching for "Rocky Six" or "Rocky Balboa". For all of you people awaiting the next chapter in the story of the Italian Stallion, the trailer is here.

Rocky Six? Really? No kidding? Please, someone tell me this is an entertainment report from The Onion. There is no logical reason to have a Rocky Six, especially when many people can't even identify "Rocky V" when it comes on in the middle of a Saturday afternoon during a Mets rain delay.

What's the plot here? Rocky against someone a fifth of his age, overcoming incredible odds to get beaten to death in the middle of the Madison Square Garden ring? Rocky gets into it with Larry Holmes? Rocky struggles with Parkinson's Disease?

Parkinson's Disease, by the way, is a rare neurological disease that gets very little publicity. It affects thousands of people every year, and all of them are either professional boxers or Michael J. Fox. Let's pretend that getting repeatedly punched in the head for a living has nothing to do with it, shall we?

Anyway, Rocky should have been retired twenty years ago, and working as a greeter in a casino somewhere, divorced and paying off his back income taxes. Instead, the plucky everyman is dragged out again to prop up Sylvester Stallone's alleged movie career.

Let's take a look at why Stallone is eager to revisit his first love. Here's some of Stallone's output from the last decade.

"Eye See You" -- No, no one did. I don't think it was even released in theatres. It went straight to beta video, 8 millimeter film, and flip book.
"Get Carter" -- Get serious. No one makes a comeback in a movie that relies on Mickey Rourke.
"Driven" -- It takes quite a movie to suck the energy and fun out of high speed racing. This is just such a movie.
"Avenging Angelo" -- Didn't see it, never heard of it, not sure if it was a movie or the name of a professional wrestler.
"Judge Dredd" -- How do you screw up a character like Dredd? Easy, you wait a decade too long to film the movie, you let Stallone sneer every single one of his lines, and then you add Rob Schneider.

Why go back this far in the career? Why not just dig up John Rambo again? Drop him into Iraq, and have him dig out spider holes? Why not film the logical sequels to all of Stallone's films? Why not "Locked Up Again"? "Even More Demolition Man"?

Or my favorite, "Stop, My Mom Is Still Shooting"?

I pitched a shut-out this week, with several people getting 4 out of 5. Christine in Massachusetts was the first one to get four, so she's the award-winner this week. In leiu of a prize, I'll simply invite everyone to check out her blog at Overthink, quality funny stuff.

Last Friday's answers are...

#1 -- Modern English "I Melt With You"
#2 -- Lionel Richie "All Night Long"
#3 -- Culture Club "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?"
#4 -- Greg Kihn "The Breakup Song"
#5 -- Honeymoon Suite "New Girl Now"

Another challenge is coming up Friday!

Friday means the weekly free music and trivia challenge. The free download of the week is from another of my bands, Reid & The Riot Act. Here's an original, "Until I See You Again". Enjoy! Or not, whatever.

One of my favorite bands of the 90's is still around, the Gin Blossoms have a MySpace site up for their new album. It's good stuff, and their MySpace site has two new songs, and of their classics.

And your 80's challenge of the weekend, snippets from five songs from the 80s. Can you name them? First one to do it gets a free haiku, or other prize of no real value.



I'll post the winners next Tuesday. Make me proud, you guys. Have a good weekend.

Personally, I'm not going to believe Enron ghoul Ken Lay is really dead until he's identified, cut open and autopsied, a stake driven through his heart, and the body and head are burned and the ashes scattered in different places.

My local bookstore has a bargain/used section of books called "Inspirational." How inspirational could these books possibly be if people bought them and discarded them? That's like buying a Bible from the Estate of a guy who committed suicide.

So the Wayans Brothers have a movie now where one of them is a bald, cigar smoking criminal posing as a baby? Great. So now they're directly ripping their ideas off from Bugs Bunny cartoons? I suppose the next one will feature them chasing each other around singing an opera called "Kill The Wayan."

What's the deal with lesbians and pet stores?

There are two phrases I always like to hear when I'm watching the news, because I know that whenever you hear them, you've got a great story coming up. Get the popcorn, don't answer the phone, because something horrible is about to occur and you don't want to miss it. Those phrases? "Common-law wife" and "experimental aircraft."

I was at a bookstore the other day, and saw a book by Sister Souljah. Apparently, everyone who was ever on stage with Public Enemy is now qualified to be called a "political activist". I didn't buy it, though, I was saving my money for Big Daddy Kane's manifesto.

I was 30 when I finally understood what Sam Kinison was always screaming about. I was 35 when I finally understood why Bob Seger was always so wistful. However, I still don't get Jackson Browne. Stay tuned, I'll let you know when that happens.

Okay, this week's snippets were apparently quite a bit easier. Quite a few of you got 3 or 4 of them right, but the first person to get all five was Kimberly from Ohio. Here are the correct answers.

#1 -- Men At Work "Overkill"
#2 -- Paul Simon "Call Me Al"
#3 -- The Bangles "Manic Monday"
#4 -- Van Halen "Hot For Teacher"
#5 -- Suzanne Vega - "Luka"

A lot of entries knew the correct artists for #1 & #4, but missed the songs. Let's face it, #4 was the exact same Eddie Van Halen riff/David Lee Roth yelp combo that's appeared about fifty times, so congrats if you nailed that one.

I'll put another five up on Friday. Hope you all enjoyed the fourth, and thanks for playing!