Our official Super Bowl XLII Timeline:
Sunday, January 27, 5:30pm - The New England Patriots defeat the San Diego Chargers to advance to the Super Bowl, and continue their undefeated season. Bookies make the Patriots fourteen-point favorites to win the Super Bowl.
8:30pm - The New York Giants defeat Green Bay in overtime, earning the NFC Championship as a Wild Card team. Oddsmakers adjust, making the Patriots six-hundred-point favorites to win the Super Bowl.
Tuesday, January 29 - Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is seen in New York, visiting his supermodel girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen. On the way, he stops and buys a winning lottery ticket, finds a rare coin in his pocket, and strikes oil in her front yard.
Friday, February 1 - Patriots coach Bill Belichick stops off at Fotomat to pick up his pictures, then by force of habit takes the photos of six other people home with him.
Saturday, February 2 - Mercury Morris, member of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins team, admits he's rooting for the Giants. He also admits he'd like a shot at Bundchen, if that doesn't work out for Brady.
Sunday, February 3, 5:00pm - The Super Bowl coverage begins, live from University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. The irony here is that the University of Phoenix doesn't even have a football team, and yet they can get closer to a Super Bowl than the Arizona Cardinals.
5:10pm - The Giants take the field, accompanied by a video package entitled "Resiliency."
5:15pm - The Patriots take the field, accompanied by a video package entitled "The Importance of Beating The Point Spread."
5:18pm - American Idol winner Jordin Sparks lip-synchs the heck out of the national anthem.
5:25pm - In a surprise standout defensive performance, the Giants keep the Patriots from scoring during the opening coin flip.
5:30pm - The game officially begins, brought to you by beer, trucks, and commercials containing the only new writing on television in the last six months.
5:44pm - The Giants score a field goal on their opening possession. We celebrate with a Diet Pepsi Max commercial based on a twelve year-old Saturday Night Live skit. Forget what I just said about new writing for the commercials.
6:02pm - Lawrence Maroney scores, giving the Patriots the lead. Fans everywhere assume we're seeing the start of an onslaught of points. Unfortunately, they also assume the new season of "Lost" will clear everything up.
6:08pm - In a marketing tie-in, Tom Brady appears on American Idol, where he brings Simon to tears with a perfect rendition of "I Will Always Love You."
6:10pm - The Giants get a big catch from Amani Toomer, a receiver whose name sounds like a well-dressed polyp.
6:11pm - The Giants get a delay of game penalty. In a commercial, Peyton Manning yells at his brother Eli.
6:13pm - The Patriots go three-and-out, and have to call a time-out to see if they remembered to pack a punter.
6:54pm - Halftime, Patriots lead 7-3. Anyone who bet the "under" is very happy.
7:01pm - The Fox halftime hosts tell us to go to our computers and vote on whether or not we think the Patriots are the greatest dynasty ever. Considering the outcome of the game is still very much in doubt, that seems a bit premature. That's like asking if that's the best burger you've ever eaten while you're still sitting in the drive-through lane.
7:05pm - The halftime show begins, with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers performing. They lead with "American Girl," from their 1976 debut album. It's always good to open a show at a sporting event with a song so old, some of the players might have been conceived to it.
7:06pm - Bill Belichick sends an assistant coach to videotape Tom Petty's performance, just in case.
7:25pm - The second half begins, brought to you by punters, animated bugs, and killer robots from the future.
7:35pm - Belichick challenges a call, saying the Giants had twelve men on the field. For further evidence, he shows the refs the footage shot by his hidden cameraman.
8:01pm - The third quarter ends with no score, leaving us with either the tightest, most thrilling Super Bowl ever, or a game with less offense than France in a major conflict.
8:04pm - Fittingly, the fourth quarter begins with a punt. In a commercial, a Terminator unit from the future informs Sarah Conner that this Super Bowl is the beginning of the end.
8:08pm - A camera shot shows injured tight end Jeremy Shockey in the crowd, watching his Giants and drinking beer. This leads to the question "If you're on the team and injured, how big of a jackass do you have to be to not even be invited onto the field?"
8:11pm - The Giants throw a touchdown pass, breaking what feels like a week and a half drought since our last points. Our long national nightmare is over.
8:12pm - Somewhere in a darkened nightclub, Pacman Jones celebrates by punching a stripper in the face.
8:23pm - An on-screen graphic indicates both quarterbacks have a QB rating of right around 77. That's always something you want in the biggest game of the year, two guys running right about room temperature.
8:39pm - Brady hits Randy Moss for the go-ahead touchdown, reminding us all that "Hey, Randy Moss plays for the Patriots!"
8:56pm - Eli Manning throws a touchdown pass to give the Giants the lead. Brother Peyton pumps his fist, and promises to honor his brother in yet another series of television commercials.
9:03pm - A final heave for the Patriots is tipped away, and the Giants win 17-14. Bill Belichick leaves the field with one second remaining on the clock. The perfect season is broken, and somewhere, Miami Dolphins fans are happy for the first time in more than twenty years.
Previous Super Bowl Timelines:Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI (2007, Colts vs. Bears)
Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL (2006, Steelers vs. Seahawks)
Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX (2005, Patriots vs. Eagles)
Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII (2004, Patriots vs. Panthers)
Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII (2003, Buccaneers vs. Raiders)
Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI (2002, Patriots vs. Rams)
Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV (2001, Ravens vs. Giants)
