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The NFL Picks, and My Obscure References of the Week

My week eight picks for the NFL are up here at my Examiner column.

Here's a sample:

Seattle at Dallas
I describe Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams as "gazelle-like," which means that he is very fast, and has little hooves for hands.
Pick: Cowboys

Check it out.

blogified by Reid @ 10/30/2009 11:47:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Jeff Fisher, Career Suicide Artist

Just less than a week after his Titans took a historic, pathetic, first-day-in-the-prison-showers-treatment from New England, head coach Jeff Fisher went to a charity event in Nashville and wore an Indianapolis Colts jersey.

In terms of pissing off a Nashville crowd, it's not exactly whipping it out to pee on the stage of the Grand Ol' Opry, but it's pretty close.

For my full take on this obvious case of career suicide, check out my column over at Examiner.com.

blogified by Reid @ 10/22/2009 01:10:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


My Resignation From TV

I am officially retiring from television.

Not from watching it, mind you, just from working in it.

I made the announcement the other night on Facebook, and now I can actually talk about what's coming up next.

By the way, if you're not a Facebook friend of mine, go ahead and add me. At this point about 80% of my human interaction comes through Facebook. At this rate, I'm about two weeks away from existing only on the World Wide Web like some kind of cyber-sarcastic Lawnmower Man.

I've spent the last eight years, off-and-on, working in television at my local ABC affiliate. I've pretty much done everything there, and I'm ready to do something else.

I've had many good experiences working in television over the past eight years. Sure, I can't think of any of them right now, but I'm certain they happened. The stories of my time in television will come one of these days, but not right now. It's just time to change the game.

After much reflection, examination, and other words that end in -tion, I've decided on my next challenge.

The Next Big Thing is actually the previous big thing for me, just from a different angle. I'm returning to my roots in radio, and hosting a show. I'm going to be Sports Director at 99.3 Talk FM in Tyler, and hosting an afternoon show for them (to be named later) from 4-6pm every afternoon.

I grew up in radio, and have been involved one way or the other with the industry for the last twenty years. I've always loved the feel of radio, and I relish the chance to be back in a medium that values content and entertainment more than neckties and makeup.

If you like sports, you'll enjoy it because I'll talk sports with you, not at you. If you don't like sports, I promise every show will also be chock-full of humor and entertainment you'll get even if you don't care about sports.

If you've ever watched my shows, seen my standup, heard my radio bits, or read my writing, you'll know exactly what to expect. I take my not-taking-things-too-serious very seriously, if you know what I mean.

So in two weeks, I'm done with television. If you're coming along with me, drop me a line here or on Facebook so I'll know who's with me.

It's time to make it fun again, folks.

The radio industry needs an enema. Guess who's bringing the hose?

blogified by Reid @ 10/15/2009 09:04:00 AM  6 comments links to this post


Worst. Sale. Ever.

Wal-Mart cares.

That's the only way I can describe this sale, featuring blank CDs for a jaw-dropping fraction of the cost. I mean, anytime I can buy something and save one-one-thousand, three-hundred and forty-eighth of the cost, I jump all over that deal.

How else could you make ends meet during this recession? With the money I saved by buying these at Wal-Mart, I was able to start a retirement account, founded a my own charity, and treated myself to dinner at a fine Mexican restaurant (it rhymes with "Taco Schmueno").

Seriously, why would you even bother to put this display up? Was it worth the time to stack all of these up and put up the signs that say you can save a whole penny on these CDs?

I'm sure somewhere there's a poor Wal-Mart employee who spent all day restocking the shelves, toiling in other people's filth, just looking forward to the moment his shift ended and he could walk out the front door, past the idiot greeter to freedom. Then, just as his time is about to end, the manager comes over and tells him to grab a couple pallets of CDs, because they're going on sale.

"How much?" the tragic hero of our story asks.

"One whole penny," comes the answer.

"#$@%^@" replies our hero.

"And hurry...it's for a limited time only."

blogified by Reid @ 10/14/2009 02:32:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


People Who Should Be Killed

With a tip of the hat to my role model, today's blog is all about people I'm done with, and I feel like society would be improved by their quick extermination.

-- Whoever that bastard is who keeps calling me to tell me my car warranty is expired. If I had a warranty, it expired in the Clinton administration. Having your machine phone me at home and work every day for the rest of my life isn't going to make me hand over my credit card number, Chester.

-- People with a MySpace or Facebook account who only post pictures of their kids. I'm sure your kids are cute, but when you don't at least throw up a couple of snapshots of what you look like, we all assume you've gained a thousand pounds and an extra nose.

-- Whoever is in charge of Chinese food fortunes these days. "Change Is The Watchword of Progression?" What the Hell is that? That's not a fortune. That sentence in no way predicts the future. It's not even a good moral. It sounds like something you'd hear in an ad for some luxury car.

-- People who say "Mmhmm," when you say "Thank you." Is a simple "You're welcome" so hard?

-- Anyone wearing a baseball cap that points neither forward nor backwards.

-- People who write their Twitter or Facebook status with things like "Bob is sad..." or "Phyllis can't believe it..." Why don't you just say "Jimmy is begging for attention," or "Carla wants everyone to ask her what's going on."

-- Supermodels empowered by our newest President.

-- People who go through the express line with too many items. It used to be ten items or less, then twelve, and now it's twenty. However, the cutoff doesn't really matter if you're going to skate through the speedy line with twelve hundred items in your cart. If not a summary execution, then the offenders should at least be fined a dollar for each item over the limit, for each person kept waiting.

-- Newscasters who use the word "tragedy" for every situation from a plane crash to a cat stuck in a tree. Find a new cliche, Captain Haircut.

-- Anyone who mentions the World Cup whenever I talk about how the Super Bowl is the biggest sporting event on the planet. Let's be serious here. Sports involve using all of your body.

-- People who love animals, but to the exclusion of common sense. If you have a hundred animals in your apartment, or twenty-two dogs in your car, you not only have fleas, but you also have a major problem.

-- Anyone who gets married in a Wal-Mart.

-- Anyone who expects me to donate my money to the Governor's Mansion Restoration Fund. I'm not sure what's setting me off here. Perhaps it's our toilet-bound national economy, or the layoffs every industry (including mine) is experiencing. Maybe it's the thought that the great state of Texas is #49 in verbal SAT scores and #46 in average math SAT scores nationally. Our graduation rate? Thirty-sixth. Galveston is still a mess, and now they're considering opening up gambling just so the island can be rebuilt. Build a new house yourself, asshole.

blogified by Reid @ 10/13/2009 01:24:00 AM  2 comments links to this post


The Bumper Crop

Some things are so unexpected. I stopped at the local gas station on the way to work. I park around the back when I go in to grab an Icee, and I always take a look at what they've left out there. I guess it's my spartan upbringing, but I always look at things like the empty plastic beverage boxes and see if there's something there I can use.

"Hmm, what's here for my pickings today? I guess those Coca-Cola crates would come in handy if I decide to go back to college in my 40s, and I need something to put my speakers on. Maybe one day I'll need a four-foot tall bread rack, and if I don't take it now, I'll always regret not having them."

It's just the way I grew up. I grew up poor, just like Jewel.

Anyway, as I walked by I noticed something even more out of the ordinary than usual. As you can see, someone had left their car bumper.

"Well, my bumper fell off. I guess I'll just leave it at the Gas-N-Go with the rest of the empties."

I'm no car expert, but I would tend to think a bumper would be something that
a) you would need, and
b) would be expensive to completely replace.

Try as I might, I can't think of any use I might have to take this thing. I guess I could take it to my office and mount it on the wall, a la some kind of urban hunting trophy.

"Yep, that's a twelve-point Buick. I killed that one on safari in Dallas. He charged me on Loop 635, and I had to drop him with my musket."

So if anybody happens to need a bumper, drop me an email. I know a place that's just giving them away.

blogified by Reid @ 10/12/2009 01:38:00 AM  1 comments links to this post


Tooth & Consequences

Saw this tonight in my Wal-Mart. Apparently toothpaste now qualifies as a clearance item. If you feel like cleaning up your chompers, you can really get a great deal on Crest at a fraction of the price.

However, sugary candy, chewing tobacco, and Mountain Dew are still selling well at full price. Go figure. They know their target audience.

blogified by Reid @ 10/12/2009 12:05:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Free Money For The Truly Stupid

I got a flyer in the mail for a local loan company. Apparently, I've been pre-approved for a good sized loan, and they wanted to let me know about it.

All I have to do is show up and sign the papers, and they'll hand me a check for $9001.70.

Nine thousand dollars? Wow! This sounds like a great deal for anyone who has outstanding debts, wants to invest, or is suffering from a rapidly terminal disease. Or anyone who is stupid, can't read, or whose grasp of economics ends with "you have to buy four houses before you can get a hotel."

Here's the catch, which is printed in small print so fine it would make an eagle squint. The second you sign this check your payments start, and you owe them about $270 a month for the next sixty months.
By simple calculation, This $9000 loan will cost you $3200 a year for five years, which is probably four years and ten months longer than the original nine grand will last most of these people.

Chances are, anybody that will take a $9000 loan without reading the fine print will spend the money quickly on big TVs, rims, and building additions onto their trailer.

How is this possible? This makes the dirtbags at "Blue Hippo" look like the Salvation Army. At 25.52% interest, the words "loan sharking" come to mind.

This is the kind of sound financial transaction that's put our economy in the toilet, but I can't decide which is worse, the people who make the loans, or the people dumb enough to take them.

It should be against the law to offer a loan like this, and also against the law to accept one. I fully support the authorities entering this business at any point, without a warrant, and deporting anyone on the premises on either side of the desk.

blogified by Reid @ 10/11/2009 01:38:00 AM  0 comments links to this post


Olympic Fervor

I'm going to go ahead and post this to beat Friday's rush. I do not care in the slightest if Chicago gets the Olympics.

(Why do you hate America, Reid?)

It's not any patriotic problem, I assure you. I don't care if Oprah, President Obama, Jim Belushi, and the ghost of Mike Royko band together to make Chicago seem like the Garden of Eden.

I just don't care about the Olympics.

Every couple of years, NBC makes a big deal out of the Olympics and dedicates 1687 hours of coverage to the games. Too much. Too too much.

Each Olympics has one big event that everybody loves, and that's all we remember. Everybody loves the gymnastics, for example. How about canoeing? Or handball? Anyone going to put together a betting pool for the badminton tournament?

The Olympics are completely overrated. It's like the if the Academy Awards only gave out Best Picture, and then two straight weeks of the technical awards.

blogified by Reid @ 10/02/2009 01:03:00 PM  0 comments links to this post


iPhones and iCar Crashes


Nationwide Insurance has an application for the iPhone that will help you take down all the information needed when you have a car crash. It will help you take pictures, exchange information, and file the claim.

I appreciate them wanting to help, but let's face it, if car accidents are such a part of your life that you actually think ahead to downloading software to help keep track of them, maybe you should just put the iPhone down while you're driving and focus on the road.


Perhaps more of your focus should be on the road ahead, instead of letting your mind wander in the knowledge that when your car winds up plowing through a produce stand, it'll be easy to get hooked up with a rental car.

blogified by Reid @ 10/01/2009 01:04:00 AM  0 comments links to this post