Reid About It

I take my status as a pop culture savant pretty seriously. However, I will freely admit there are certain things that are a part of that culture, and are widely popular, that I just don't get. I don't understand them. Their appeal just eludes me.

I know that in writing bout these things, I am pretty much inviting the masses to call me an uneducated moron. Eh. Go right ahead.

American Idol - I grew up as a musician, so this one is especially hard to handle. You're not supposed to earn your recording contract by being on TV and having your family dial a phone number. You're supposed to earn it by hard work, non-stop touring, and sleeping with people in the industry.

Some people say American Idol gives a chance to singers who aren't necessarily traditionally good-looking to perform. I'll admit that it does, a very very brief chance. We can vote or the fat guy, or the gay guy, or that Elliot guy who sings well but always looks like he has a dip of Skoal in his bottom lip. But that's about it, folks. In an industry where a career lasts about 18 months, don't count on seeing these guys stick around long enough to get their own posters.

The show has created exactly one star, and Kelly Clarkson had to survive through her "American Idol" period (and a horrible, unintentionally hilarious movie that ended the career of her runner-up) before she could be successful on her own. As for the others, a cameo on "Scrubs" does not a career make.

I saw part of last week's episode where Clive Davis talked about how wrong people were who said Idol would never produce a long-term star because Kelly Clarkson has had two successful albums. That's "long-term"? Hootie and the Blowfish had two successful albums. Men Without Hats had two successful albums. That's not exactly a mark of long-term success.

And they handed Clive a plaque to celebrate all of the success of the Idol winners and runners-up, and it listed all of the success stories from the past four years.

Except for poor Justin, who's been erased.

The Bachelor - As American Idol is to superstardom, the Bachelor/Bachelorette is to matrimony. Amazingly, when you take a good-looking, successful guy, and you randomly throw 40 girls at him, one of them may not turn out to be the love of his life. He might just be happy to take his rich, handsome, newly-famous self, and enjoy women everywhere already wanting to be with him because he was on television.

The only marriage that was produced by this show was orchestrated as a part of yet another reality show.

Lost - This one I'll add the caveat that I'll probably watch the DVDs and love at some point. I tried, people. I tried once in first run, and then twice again in reruns to get into this show. I just couldn't do it. The mysteries of the island unfolded so slowly, and so deliberately, it felt like I was reading a Stephen King novel three words at a time.

Tool - Yes, everyone loves Tool. Tool is the answer to all of rock's problems. Sounds like a good marketing plan, but Tool songs all sound like angry bowel movements. They rumble, they gurgle, they scream and wail and growl, and they don't go anywhere.

Titanic - One of the biggest money-makers of all time, I hated nearly every moment of it. What lessons did we learn from Titanic? Good guys all die horrible deaths, love means it's okay to get trampy in a car with a roustabout you've just met, and it's perfectly okay to lie about and throw away millions of dollars in jewelry just because you got sexed up in the cargo hold of a boat back before World War I.

Jessica Simpson - All of the correct ingredients for an attractive woman, but not an attractive woman. I can't accurately explain it, perhaps it's the horrible acting or the blatant stupidity, but she does nothing for me.

And if you've ever slept with anybody from "Jackass", you're dead to me. You've probably got infections you can see through clothes from across a street.

Harley-Davidson motorcycles - Once upon a time, a man on a Harley was an outlaw, a dangerous man looking for trouble leaving violence and danger in his wake. Now, it's a sign that you make a lot of money in your job, and want to appear like you're the roughest cardiologist in your medical wing.

I think when you buy a Harley, they should require proof of a criminal record. No one without at least eleven tattoos should own one, and they should come with crank, herpes, and a free card for a dozen painful piercings in places of someone else's choice.

Buying a Harley just to let everybody know you have one is just another one of those things that guys do to let everyone know that contrary to pubic opinion, they do, in fact, have a big penis.

Survivor - When I think of people marooned on an island somewhere with no food, I think more of a "Lord Of The Flies meets The Blue Lagoon" concept. The way it is now, it's just a big psychology experiment among people who are insane enough to volunteer for it. How can you call this "reality" when there's no violence, rape, or cannibalism?

Tom Cruise movies - Apparently from the box office take of "MI III", I'm not alone on this one.

Okay, there you go, the chinks in my pop culture armor. Feel free to add yours, or berate me for mine.