Worst Of The Worst: Songs
There's an internet list going around right now trying to list, in great detail, the worst songs of all time. Never one to resist ripping off a pop culture idea, I thought I'd chime in here with my own personal favorite least favorites.
One caveat, though. Quite often, these kind of lists just become chances to bash songs that once were popular. Nobody thinks "Ice Ice Baby" or "Achy Breaky Heart" were songs that would stand the test of time. They came, they sucked, they sold millions, they were gone, and we were all embarrassed about liking it for a little while. Don't get preachy about how bad they were when they were disposable in the first place.
For example, Hanson's "Mmm-Bop". Nobody wants to relive Hanson's three weeks of popularity, true, but that has to be one of the best pop song hooks I've ever heard. Don't hate something just because it's popular. Unless it sucks.
Here's my quick rules. No cover songs. Generally speaking, no country, rap, or anything else that's supposed to be stupid in the first place.
Reid's Worst Songs Of All Time
Elton John - "Your Song"
"If I was a sculptor/but then again, no"
Then why even mention it? You know, Mr. Taupin, there's something on the other end of your pencil called an eraser. And if you don't like a line, you can just erase it. Or even just scratch it out. You don't have to actually have to keep it in the final draft of the song.
Steve Miller Band - "Take The Money And Run"
"Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas/You know he knows just exactly what the facts is/He ain't gonna let those two escape justice/He makes his livin' off of the people's taxes"
If Billy Shakespeare had murdered rhyme schemes like Steve Miller did, every Lit class would be two weeks shorter.
Paul Simon - "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover"
"Just slip out the back, Jack/Make a new plan, Stan/You don't need to be coy, Roy"
I'm a big fan of Paul Simon, and I think most of this song is really well-written. But the laundry list of rhyming names just makes me cringe. Just shut the fuck up, Buck.
Wang Chung - "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"
"Everybody have fun tonight/Everybody Wang Chung tonight"
Not only was this song a complete turnaround from their other songs ("Dancing Days", "To Live And Die In LA"), it also breaks my #1 rock and roll rule. Don't name check your own band in one of your songs.
Def Leppard - "Let's Get Rocked"
"He said mow the lawn/Walk the dog/Take out the trash/Tidy your room/Sorry dad, gotta disappear/Let's get the rock out of here"
This is my rock and roll rule #2. Don't sing about being in school or your dad hassling you if you're in your thirties. This also applies to Stray Cats "She's Sexy & 17", and Extreme's "Mutha (Don't Want To Go To School Today)".
Like Steely Dan said, never go back to your old school.
Ram Jam - "Black Betty"
No lyrics need to be included here. It's got harmonized guitar solos, a drum break, and the refrain "bam-a-lam." What more could you have for an over-the-top 70's song?
Huey Lewis & The News - "Walking On A Thin Line"
"Taught me how to shoot to kill/A specialist with a deadly skill/A skill I needed to have to be a survivor/It's over now or so they say/Well, sometimes, it don't turn out that way/Cause your never the same when you've been under fire"
Huey led the 80's with inoffensive pop music that was only occasionally ripped off by Ray Parker Jr. So why not get socially conscious once in a while, and do a song about the plight of Vietnam vets? This is the equivalent of Rage Against The Machine covering "Hollaback Girl."
Beach Boys - "Kokomo"
"Aruba, Jamaica, Ooh I want to take you"
Bad to start with, but after Natalie Hollowell, just creepy.
John Mayer - "Your Body Is A Wonderland"
"Your body is a wonderland/Your body is a wonder aarrccg grgg gllgg hands"
What? Huh? Enunciate, dammit!
Young MC - "Bust A Move"
"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry/In five days from now he's gonna marry/He's hopin' you can make it there if you can/'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man"
This is so vague, it always throws me off. Who's getting married? Is it your best friend Harry, or is brother Larry? If it's Larry, why would you be his best man, when your best friend isn't Larry, it's his brother? And if it's Harry, why wouldn't he choose his brother Larry for his best man?
There are far far too many others to list as dishonorable mentions, but I'd love to hear your own favorites.
One caveat, though. Quite often, these kind of lists just become chances to bash songs that once were popular. Nobody thinks "Ice Ice Baby" or "Achy Breaky Heart" were songs that would stand the test of time. They came, they sucked, they sold millions, they were gone, and we were all embarrassed about liking it for a little while. Don't get preachy about how bad they were when they were disposable in the first place.
For example, Hanson's "Mmm-Bop". Nobody wants to relive Hanson's three weeks of popularity, true, but that has to be one of the best pop song hooks I've ever heard. Don't hate something just because it's popular. Unless it sucks.
Here's my quick rules. No cover songs. Generally speaking, no country, rap, or anything else that's supposed to be stupid in the first place.
Reid's Worst Songs Of All Time
Elton John - "Your Song"
"If I was a sculptor/but then again, no"
Then why even mention it? You know, Mr. Taupin, there's something on the other end of your pencil called an eraser. And if you don't like a line, you can just erase it. Or even just scratch it out. You don't have to actually have to keep it in the final draft of the song.
Steve Miller Band - "Take The Money And Run"
"Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas/You know he knows just exactly what the facts is/He ain't gonna let those two escape justice/He makes his livin' off of the people's taxes"
If Billy Shakespeare had murdered rhyme schemes like Steve Miller did, every Lit class would be two weeks shorter.
Paul Simon - "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover"
"Just slip out the back, Jack/Make a new plan, Stan/You don't need to be coy, Roy"
I'm a big fan of Paul Simon, and I think most of this song is really well-written. But the laundry list of rhyming names just makes me cringe. Just shut the fuck up, Buck.
Wang Chung - "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"
"Everybody have fun tonight/Everybody Wang Chung tonight"
Not only was this song a complete turnaround from their other songs ("Dancing Days", "To Live And Die In LA"), it also breaks my #1 rock and roll rule. Don't name check your own band in one of your songs.
Def Leppard - "Let's Get Rocked"
"He said mow the lawn/Walk the dog/Take out the trash/Tidy your room/Sorry dad, gotta disappear/Let's get the rock out of here"
This is my rock and roll rule #2. Don't sing about being in school or your dad hassling you if you're in your thirties. This also applies to Stray Cats "She's Sexy & 17", and Extreme's "Mutha (Don't Want To Go To School Today)".
Like Steely Dan said, never go back to your old school.
Ram Jam - "Black Betty"
No lyrics need to be included here. It's got harmonized guitar solos, a drum break, and the refrain "bam-a-lam." What more could you have for an over-the-top 70's song?
Huey Lewis & The News - "Walking On A Thin Line"
"Taught me how to shoot to kill/A specialist with a deadly skill/A skill I needed to have to be a survivor/It's over now or so they say/Well, sometimes, it don't turn out that way/Cause your never the same when you've been under fire"
Huey led the 80's with inoffensive pop music that was only occasionally ripped off by Ray Parker Jr. So why not get socially conscious once in a while, and do a song about the plight of Vietnam vets? This is the equivalent of Rage Against The Machine covering "Hollaback Girl."
Beach Boys - "Kokomo"
"Aruba, Jamaica, Ooh I want to take you"
Bad to start with, but after Natalie Hollowell, just creepy.
John Mayer - "Your Body Is A Wonderland"
"Your body is a wonderland/Your body is a wonder aarrccg grgg gllgg hands"
What? Huh? Enunciate, dammit!
Young MC - "Bust A Move"
"Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry/In five days from now he's gonna marry/He's hopin' you can make it there if you can/'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man"
This is so vague, it always throws me off. Who's getting married? Is it your best friend Harry, or is brother Larry? If it's Larry, why would you be his best man, when your best friend isn't Larry, it's his brother? And if it's Harry, why wouldn't he choose his brother Larry for his best man?
There are far far too many others to list as dishonorable mentions, but I'd love to hear your own favorites.
19 Comments:
Meatloaf - "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"
Anything for love - Oh, I would do anything for love - I would do anything for love, but I won't do that - No, I won't do that
Make up your mind and then write the song. That's all I'm saying.
Good one. Unnecessarily orchestral, confusing, full of meatloaf...yeah, that song sucked.
Aw, come now. I love me some "Bust A Move."
My list would have to include anything ever recorded by Jefferson Airplane.
The song that I currently love to hate is K.T. Tunstall's "Black Horse and The Cherry Tree"
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
I came across a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
When the big black horse that looked this way,
Said hey lady, will you marry me?
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
But i said no, no, no,no-no-no
I said no, no, you're not the one for me
No, no, no,no-no-no
I said no, no, you're not the one for me
And all the rest of the lyrics that pretty much make no sense. I hate that song, but I sing to the damn thing every time it plays on the radio. Hell, I'm singing it to myself right now. Damn song.
Stefanie, I do also love me some Bust A Move. Great bass line, but that one set of lyrics has always bothered me.
And Tanya, yeah, at least KT had the good sense to turn down an offer of bestiality, even from a lyrical sense.
Larry is getting married, but I don't think that Harry can make it to the wedding. Maybe he's out of town.
Oops, I meant to say "...anything ever recorded by Jefferson Starship. Jefferson Airplane had some okay songs.
Heh. I heard "50 ways to leave your lover" today and thought of you, Reid.
There are LOTS of realllly bad songs out there, but here's my addition. I've heard this song for YEARS and never noticed what the lyrics were really saying.
Rolling Stones- "Brown Sugar"
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields,
Sold in a market down in new orleans.
Scarred old slaver know hes doin alright.
Hear him whip the women just around midnight.
Ah brown sugar how come you taste so good
(a-ha) brown sugar, just like a young girl should
A-huh.
Hear him whip the women just around midnight?!!! What the hell?! I didn't think it was possible for Mick Jagger to creep me out any more than he already did. I was wrong.
I'm having serious trouble with Comments today.
The one that has always bothered me is Seger's "Like a Rock".
Like a rock...
Charging from the gate....
Um, what?
It was all the coke what made Elton and Bernie write that crap. Same thing that made Elton dress like that back then. Hey, I heard about it on Oprah.
Did you know that the dude who played the Woman Skin Suit Guy in Silence of the Lambs, Buffalo Bill, ran for mayor of Omaha? On the ballot it listed him as Acting Sensation Ted Levin.
I have to agree about Starship. Starship sucked. SUCKED.
I'm gonna have to add Chicago's You're the Inspiration to the list. Peter Cetera, man, that guy just stands for everything I hate in pop music. Suck, suck, suck.
Like a Rock does not really say that, does it? Wow.
At least Meatloaf was in Fight Club.
Pretty much anything by Gwen Stefani turns my stomach, especially The Sweet Escape with all that whoohoo, whoohoo BS. And then there's that '80s chestnut, If You Leave by OMD:
Seven years went under the bridge
Like time was standing still
Huh? Must have been all that coke.
PS On the Meatloaf song: He'll do anything for love but he won't do that. I always wondered: WHAT is this heinous thing he won't do? He never says.
FYI-Black Betty is a (rather poor) cover of an old Leadbelly tune.
It's not just the nonsensical Black Betty lyrics, you understand. It's the complete over-the-top 70s production on it. Drum solo? Sure! Guitars soloing in different directions at the same time? You betcha! Random crescendos? Mark it down!
My personal not fav:
Everything I do (I do for you) Bryan Adams
Or as we called it Everything I do I do it for Motley Crue (It was an odd time, we were odd people.)
Talk about sappy . . .
-- Karen
"Like a rock. standin arrow straight
Like a rock, chargin from the gate
Like a rock, carryin the weight
Like a rock..."
Yes, it really says that.
“Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard & “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison are more horrifying awful than any song previously mentioned... P.S. I guess I am the only Ram Jam fan around here. Their PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG RAM album (1978) is an overlooked 1970s classic.
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