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For the New Year, I will make the following resolutions. Please note that in no way am I to be held to my word on any of these.
- I will attempt once again to give up carbonated sodas. They are vile, destructive, sweet, infinitely tasty, thirst-quenching beverages.
- I will get my book published. I will also promise a reward of $100 and a homecooked meal to anyone who helps me get an agent or a publisher.
- My life in 2006 will not include black tar heroin, crystal meth, or fried cheese.
- I will attempt to begin working out. Barring this, I will attempt to begin watching the "Working Out TV Channel".
- I will not have a baby with Britney Spears to help save her marriage.
- I will once again return to writing the Fistful Of Sports column. The world needs good sarcasm, and the calling is there.
- I will not point out that somehow Jude Law has managed to become famous and make 36 films in the past two years, and yet I rarely meet anyone who's seen even one of them.
- I will try not to be so obscure in my pop-culture references. I will also seek to not be quite as manipulative as Jason Bateman in "It's Your Move".
- I will try and pick one of the political parties to hate more than the other.
- I will try to hold my profanity to a minimum, unless I am driving, at work, or at home.
- I will learn to resist the urge to open SPAM emails with really funny subject lines. Just this past week I fell prey to "Hymen Destroyer," "Transcribe Parcenary Bulgary," and "We Want Yur Skin!". I'm a sucker for good rhythmic gibberish.
- I will once again record an album with my band, The Caucasian Boys, proving once and for all that we are the only band that matters that never practices.
- I will watch the new season of 24, and try to take note of the times that Jack Bauer might be off-camera and going to the bathroom. It bothers me that never happens. Just once, I'd like to see him storm up the hallway with the sports page under his arm, and take a hard left into the men's room while the timer clicks off. Then, after commercial, he comes out and we go back to the story. It would make me feel better, and I'm sure it would him, too.
- I will make good on my promise to go back to school and finish my athletic management degree, so I can achieve my lifelong goal of becoming a professional wrestling referee.
- I will never again eat the Burger King Omelet Sandwich for breakfast, which contains 8 eggs, 11 sausages, 2 pounds of bacon, 7 kinds of cheese, butter, chocolate, and cigarettes. It's just too much to even be thought of as a guilty pleasure. It's like porn for your mouth. As I ate it, I could hear my pulse pounding in my ears.
- And finally, I will be glad that "Arrested Development" is cancelled while it's still the funniest show on television. I will be glad "Joey" is cancelled because it's not.
Happy New Year, everybody!
6 Comments:
>> I will not have a baby with Britney Spears to help save her marriage.
Reid - In the name of all that is good and decent, please reconsider!!! You are the only one who can save the marriage.
You know, ever since I saw the pictures of Mrs. Spears-Federline,Yo walking barefoot out of a gas station bathroom, I just haven't been that crazy about the thought of her. The girl's probably got infections you can see from across a crowded city street.
Yes! A professional wrestling referee sounds like an awesome career goal! It almost makes me want to change mine.
Well, it's obviously a high stress job. With so much going on, you can see how they miss so many things in the ring.
OMG they cancelled Arrested Development? in the name of god (or other entity) why???
Well, last I heard Fox was still worried about cancelling a critically acclaimed award-winning show while they're still putting lowest-common-denominator dreck on the air.
Also, Showtime has expressed interest in picking it up if Fox drops it.
So I guess there's still hope.
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