Upsize This!
Whatever happened to just making a purchase? Over the holidays, I bought a computer at a major electronics store, and I was subjected to no less than eight attempts to upsize my already-considerable purchase before I could get out of the store.
Giant Electronics Emporium Kid: Alright sir, there's the price on your laptop. Would you like to fill out a charge card application while you're here?
Me: No thanks.
GEEK: Do you have one of our store loyalty cards?
Me: No. Bill O'Reilly told me not to pledge my allegiance to anything except the flag and his TV show.
GEEK: Okay sir, the extended warranty for this will only be $250.
Me: No thanks.
GEEK: Well, if you have to replace the battery in this, it'll cost you two hundred dollars. The warranty would pay for that.
Me: Doesn't it come with a warranty?
GEEK: Yes, but it's only a year. And it doesn't cover the battery.
Me: Why the Hell not?
GEEK: Because it doesn't. So there.
Me: No thanks. If the battery runs out in the first year, I'm going to come back here, jam the computer up somebody's ass, and start downloading gay porn on it. And I'll be looking for you, junior.
GEEK: Fine. It will only cost $150 for our GEEK GANG to install the new super deluxe software package.
Me: No thanks. I believe too much software is the problem I have with my computer now.
GEEK: Would you like to be a part of our True Rewards system? For $10, you get 10% off all purchases excluding printer ink, and you get 10% of your grand total refunded to you in the form of a gift card at the end of the year. And with what you're spending today, you'd already make $30 in "Big Geek Cash."
Me: No.
GEEK: No? But that...that doesn't make any sense.
Me: No. You just gave me too many numbers to think about. That's something that sounds like a good idea, but paying you an extra ten bucks to send me a card that I will probably lose is not in my best interests. Besides, it's taken you so long to check me out for this simple purchase, my frequent flier miles have expired. I no longer care about anything except getting out of the front door.
GEEK: Yes sir, that's why we swiped your card first. Now, even if you leave, you'll have to wait in line for a refund.
Me: Grrr.
GEEK: Would you like our GEEK GANG to install that network for you?
Me: Let me guess, that's extra too?
GEEK: It's only $75 today with the purchase of the router.
Me: Can I think about it?
GEEK: Nope. If you don't give me your answer in the next eleven seconds, the price goes up to $225, and you'll have to make an appointment with them.
Me: Uh...I...
GEEK: They're currently backed up until mid-July.
Me: I don't think...
GEEK: Three seconds.
Me: Hmmm.
GEEK: Too late. That installation plan is now $495, and requires a deposit, a key to your house, and an overnight stay.
Me: Can I just get out of here, please?
GEEK: Certainly sir. Just as soon as you fill out a GEEK GANG holiday rewards plan application, and we tell you about our new buyer protection plans.
Me: Can I just get out of here, please?
GEEK: Would you like a hot apple pie with this laptop?
Is it too much just to want to make a purchase for the price indicated on the tag, and be able to leave?
7 Comments:
You, sir, must come over here right now and wipe up the Diet Coke I just snorted all over my computer.
And that'll only cost you $75 if you buy our Humor Liability Policy. Act now, before it's too late.
Hey now! Ease up on the poor guy! That is called "suggestive selling" for all of you that haven't been fortunate enough to work retail (or have a short-lived, but illustrious career at McDonalds, like me!).
Now, I don't know what the incentive is for the employees of Best Buy, Circuit City or Chucky Cheese, but I was once awarded a sweet little "#1" pin for my uniform. That's right, boys and girls! I sold the most apple pies that day! I wore it with pride! Okay, gimme a break.. I was 16!
Thanks for the kind words, MHZ. I actually won a contest at a theatre where I worked by selling popcorn & Coke combos, and won a stereo out of it.
However, after I asked them if they'd like the combo for 25 cents more, I didn't ask if they wanted the warranty, insurance, popcorn buyer's loyalty card, refill card, or anything else. I just let the poor schumcks go about their business.
Reid...only buy stuff on-line. That way you don't have to deal with humans.
By the way, that's a real nice shirt in your picture. Hey...Dean's got a Big Red Shirt. Maybe you two should get together sometime.
I'll only get together with Dean if Chrissy also has a big red shirt, and we can all dress exactly alike like some kind of maroon-clad stormtrooper army. There's strength in numbers.
It's funny because it's true.
Lawd, help us, it's all true.
That is some funny shit, Reid.
Tom F.
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