Reid About It

I don't trust celebrities, especially Hollywood people. Never have. The very nature of the profession of pretending to be someone else for a little while does not inspire my devotion.

That being said, there are still levels of coolness to me. Paul Newman races cars, makes salad dressing, and is cool. Tom Hanks has done goofy comedies, and now picks and chooses some pretty good movies, and is cool. Edward Norton is cool because he's the best actor of my generation, has done great movies ("Death To Smoochy" aside), and most importantly, has seen Salma Hayek naked.

It's not that hard. Be nice, don't complain about being famous, take care of your children, and don't try and make us believe it's going to last forever with your backup dancer baby-daddy. Anytime I hear about someone being involved with Scientology, I automatically lower them two points on my own personal Wonderlich test. And if they jump up and down on Oprah's couch, that's another three-point deduction. Here's some of the items on my sliding scale of celebrity coolness.

• Host Saturday Night Live and be funny: +1 pt


• Go on Daily Show and be funny: +2 pts


• Appear on TV to complain about the media: -2 pts


• Give birth in Namibia: -1 pt


• Give birth in Narnia: +2 pts


• Release an album: -1 pt


• Release an album under a pseudonym (i.e. "Bruno", "Chris Gaines"): -3 pts


• Be in a Ron Howard movie: +2 pts


• Be in a Clint Howard movie: -2 pts


• Publicly support a political candidate: -1 pt


• Publicly support a political candidate with absolutely no chance of winning: +3 pts


• Endorse a product with sales going to charity: +2 pts


• Endorse a product on Home Shopping Network: -1 pt


• Publicly state your Scientologist beliefs: -2 pt


• Jump up and down on Oprah's couch: -3 pts


• Pretend to conceive a child to squelch gay rumors: -4 pts


• Run with the bulls: +1 pt


• Dance with the stars: +2 pts


• Drink with the idle rich: -3 pts


• Have Dated Tommy Lee: +1 pt


• Have Dated Ben Affleck: -1 pt


• Have a "Couples Nickname": -3 pts


• Guest voice on the Simpsons: +1 pt


• Guest appearance on Scrubs: +2 pts


• Guest voice on Family Guy: +3 pts


• Murdered in a Tarantino film: +4 pts


• Sleep with Heather Locklear: +4 pts


• Sleep with Denise Richards: +4 pts


• Sleep with Both: +12 pts


• Get caught drunk driving your Steel Horse: -6 pts