Reid About It

Have you ever been around speakers, or a PA system when someone's cell phone goes off? It makes a horrible, cyber-grinding sound as the phone creates interference in every single electronic device around. But it's fine on your brain, don't even worry about it! Those synapses of yours are much better insulated than expensive computer speakers. There's very little chance that you get to sixty, and wet your pants and bark like a dog every time a garage door opens in your neighborhood.

I went to the men's room in an IHOP in Houston, and the door said "Men - Caballeros". I like that. I was just going to use the can, but suddenly I felt all jaunty.

I have a good cable TV system. Clint Eastwood is always murdering somebody on one of my networks.

I'm pretty much carbon neutral. However, I still have lingering prejudice against lactose.

It has come to my attention that everytime I mention Jenna Jameson, I get hits on the website like I've just discovered a cure for gingivitis. So there you go.

I think a great title for a breakup song would be "She's Like The Wind, Because She Blew Everybody."

My MP3 player has about 100 songs on it at any given moment. Why, then, does it play Loverboy's "Hot Girls In Love" every single time I turn it on and listen more than 5 minutes?

Owens sausage has a flavor designated "Extra Mild." What the Hell is that? Is it super-average? Is it extra-medium? Does it have that certain lack of taste that mild foods have, except an exciting amont of it?

Lowe's has those shoplifter-proof security gates in their stores. Why? Is that to stop a guy trying to smuggle out a dishwasher in his pants?

I saw a laundry detergent that was for "front or top loading washers." What are my other alternatives? Is there a "soiled-linen-injected" model? Perhaps some kind of washer where you actually load the laundry through a hidden compartment underneath the unit? One where I have to go out in the front yard and jam the dirty clothes into the emergency turn-off valve by the mailbox?

I like going to PetSmart, because I can pee anywhere and nobody gets suspicious.