Reid About It

March 23, 1867 - Super Bowl XL halftime performer Keith Richards is born.

January 22, 2006 - Pittsburgh and Seattle win their Championship Games, earning a trip to Super Bowl XL at Detroit's Ford Field.

January 23 - Ford Motor Co. announces the layoff of 25,000 employees in honor of the big event.

January 30 - Detroit is named America's "Poorest Big City." The Detroit Chamber of Commerce commits hari kari.

1:30pm, February 5 - The pregame begins for Super Bowl XL, brought to you by Blockbuster, Tostitos, and Stevie Wonder's dreams of universal peace.

2:45pm - ESPN reports Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb's comments from eariler this week about Terrell Owens, likening TO's actions to "black-on-black crime." ESPN then goes to their expert on black-on-black crime, Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis.

3:52pm - Tom Jackson does a pregame story on Jerome Bettis' rough childhood in Detroit. The background footage used in the story makes it look like they're holding the Super Bowl in 8 Mile.

4:34pm - While talking about the rise of the Seahawks, Steve Young points out that five years ago, you never would have expected Seattle and Pittsburgh to be playing in the Super Bowl. He is correct, since five years ago Seattle and Pittsburgh were both in the AFC.

5:05pm - We are welcomed to Super Bowl XL by all of the previous Super Bowl MVPs, Harrison Ford, and Dr. Seuss.

5:06pm - All over America, dumb guys at parties start talking about how cool next year's "Super Bowl XXL" will be.

5:08pm - McDonald's has a commercial where a giant hamster is talking to Ronald McDonald. I didn't get the exact point of the ad, but I feel a strange craving for a McRib.

5:10pm - Energy drink "Full Throttle" unveils their new marketing campaign, including the slogan "Let Your Man Out." The fine print on the ad cautions that doing so may result in a jail stay, and registration as a sex offender.

5:18pm - The National Anthem is played, featuring Aretha Franklin singing while wearing a coat that looks like she's had a sled dog team put to death.

5:27pm - The kickoff begins Super Bowl XL.

5:36pm - In a marketing tie-in, Matt Hasselbeck completes a fifteen yard pass to the Burger King.

5:55pm - Seahawks receiver Darrell Jackson catches his fifth pass of the first quarter, tying with Buffalo's Andre Reed. No one points out that matching the Super Bowl accomplishments of the Buffalo Bills is not historically a good thing.

5:56pm - As if to prove my point, Jackson catches a touchdown pass in the end zone, which is called back because of an interference penalty against him.

6:07pm - Trailing 3-0, Pittsburgh punts again, ending their third straight possession going three-and-out. Trash-talking Seattle tight end Jerramy Stevens takes advantage of the opportunity by dropping a wide open deep pass.

6:34pm - Pittsburgh completes a pass for a first down on 3rd and 28, which is quite surprising because usually that only happens against Green Bay.

6:40pm - Roethlisberger's dive to the goal line appears to score a touchdown for Pittsburgh. Al Michaels is so excited to finally see some points, he completely forgets the rules of instant replay.

6:43pm - The play stands, Pittsburgh takes the lead, and Seahawks fans begin to get really sick of those gold towels.

6:53pm - Matt Hasselbeck completes his second straight pass out of bounds, including one in the end zone.

6:54pm - Seattle misses a field goal. In anger, Hasselbeck throws his helmet at the ground, missing by four yards.

6:55pm - Halftime at the Super Bowl, Pittsburgh leads Seattle 7-3. Analyst Tom Jackson says the Seahawks have to feel good, since they took some of the swagger away from the Steelers. Strangely enough, his assurance, coupled with the fact that they've had two touchdown passes called back and a missed field goal does not make Seahawks fans very jovial.

7:06pm - The Rolling Stones perform. At the sight of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, Stones fans in the audience start throwing their support hose and Depends undergarments on stage.

7:17pm - The Minnesota Vikings party barge arrives to the game an hour late, and completely lacking any pants.

7:19pm - The Rolling Stones finish their set, brought to you by Viagra, Geritol, and every Stones album in the last twenty years that no one remembers.

7:32pm - "Fast Willie" Parker goes for 75 yards and a touchdown. Guys everywhere giggle at the fact that "Fast Willie Parker" would make an excellent name for an adult film star.

7:36pm - Seattle running back Max Strong carries the ball. Guys everywhere keep giggling.

7:41pm - Just to stay in practice, Seattle misses another field goal.

7:54pm - In a stunner, Jerramy Stevens breaks his string of three consecutive pass drops and catches a touchdown.

8:22pm - Matt Hasselbeck is picked off by Ike Taylor inside the Pittsburgh ten, and then is called for a fifteen yard penalty on the return. To make matters worse, when he reaches the sideline he realizes Taylor also swiped his wallet, and hacked into his MySpace account to make "Brokeback Mountain" his favorite movie.

8:40pm - The Steelers throw a reverse pass from Roethlisberger to Antwan Randle El to Hines Ward for a touchdown. Cleveland Browns fans complain that the Steelers have two wide receivers who can throw touchdown passes, and yet they haven't had a quarterback since Bernie Kosar left.

8:45pm - Matt Hasselbeck nearly turns the game around by making a hard tackle and causing a fumble on himself.

9:02pm - Super Bowl XL ends with the only constant in the game, a dropped pass from Jerramy Stevens. Pittsburgh wins their fifth Super Bowl. Hometown hero Jerome Bettis announces his retirement on the podium after the game, and thousands of Detroit fans make plans to drive to Pittsburgh for the victory parade, since they no longer have jobs to worry about missing.

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Headlines At The Fistful Of Sports:
- Al Michaels, John Madden To Divorce
- Survey: Mick Jagger Singing Satisfaction "Creepy"
- Stevie Wonder Under Impression He Was Playing At Grammys
- Ceremonial SBXL Coin Used To Buy Ceremonial Dr. Pepper
- Mike Holmgren: "I Am The Eggman"