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Jengelinad Jihad

How's Jen doing?

Have you seen her lately? Is she doing okay? I know it's got to be hard on her, seeing Brad and Angelina everywhere. And now with them having a baby, I know it must be killing her. Has she been eating well?

I've been meaning to make her a poundcake, and drop by to check on her.

That's how it's starting to feel, anyway, since every magazine from People to Us to Highlights For Children has at least one of the Brad/Angelina/Jennifer trinity on the cover. "How Jen Found Out!" "Angelina Is Due May 2!" "Inside Brad's 'I Knocked Up Angelina' Super Bowl Party!"

Come on, people. These are actors, not long-time friends of your family. It's like the entire country has become the support system for Jennifer Aniston. She's not hideous and destitute, folks. She's got money, and she'll find a man eventually. She's not going to have to get a full-time job at the bowling alley to feed her kids and wind up shacking up in a double-wide with a guy who owns his own Korn-Y-Dog stand.

Why are we all so shocked that three people who are complete strangers to us have announced through their publicists that they're swapping partners? For all the talk about Brad and Angelina and the time frame of when they hooked up, do you honestly think that was the first time Brad or Jennifer ever had anything going on outside of their marriage?

Brad Pitt has been People's "Sexiest Man Of The Year" every year since 1991. Jennifer Aniston is so universally pretty, she had a haircut named after her character on Friends. The reason we know who they are is because they're pretty. Not because they're smart, or honest, or trustworthy, or can attain cold fusion, or anything else like that. We love them because they're pretty. And when people are told over and over again they're pretty, it gets to them occasionally.

We worship Hollywood people, and why? Because they are very convincing at pretending to be other people for short periods of time. Angelina Jolie is not really Gia or Lara Croft. Jennifer Aniston is not Rachel Green, or any character she played in a movie that few people saw. Brad Pitt is not really Tyler Durden or that stoned guy he played in "True Romance."

Wait. Strike that. He probably is, just with better abs.

The point is, upon closer examination, perhaps these aren't the most stable of people in which to have a personal emotional stake. Perhaps since we've never been out to dinner with the happy couple, we should refrain from judging their bonds of matrimony.

And besides, I doubt there's a straight woman in the country who wouldn't sleep with Brad Pitt if he tried. And I doubt there's a person in the country who wouldn't do the same with Angelina Jolie.

blogified by Reid @ 2/02/2006 12:04:00 AM 

7 Comments:

Blogger Jill said...

I admit it. I'd do *both* Brad *and* Angelina.

(And I don't care what you say, I'm not giving up my Us Weekly subscription.)

10:05 PM  
Blogger Imzadi said...

Damn straight. I'd do them.

5:42 PM  
Blogger MyHeroZero said...

Personally, I couldn't have been happier when Brad and Angelina got together. Both had been on my "5 Celebrities I'm Allowed to Sleep With" list for quite some time. The way I've got it figured now.. if I get the chance with one, I'm sure the other will be included as a "freebie". Mmmm Oh, I'm sorry.. I got lost in my thoughts of a 3some with those two.

So, my only dilemma is.. who should the new addition to my list be.....

10:52 PM  
Blogger Reid said...

I gave nothing relevant to say here, only that I have never been quite so glad to have comments on a blog.

Everyone, please continue. When we speak openly like this, we all win.

Especially me.

11:12 PM  
Blogger slamtundra said...

Your one handed typing skills are very good, sir.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Reid said...

Actually, I can type with my feet in an emergency. This counts.

8:17 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

I agree with the other commenters -- I'm happily hetero, but Angelina is a hot piece of ass. As is her man. You can check out www.brangelina.net for all the latest.

I do feel bad for Jen, but I never got what all the hoopla was about her looks. She's certainly not an uggo, but I also do not think she's gorgeous, either.

9:21 AM  

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