Reid About It

Really? No kidding? Please, someone tell me this is an entertainment report from The Onion. There is no logical reason to have a Rocky Six, especially when many people can't even identify "Rocky V" when it comes on in the middle of a Saturday afternoon during a Mets rain delay.

What's the plot here? Rocky against someone a fifth of his age, overcoming incredible odds to get beaten to death in the middle of the Madison Square Garden ring? Rocky gets into it with Larry Holmes? Rocky struggles with Parkinson's Disease?

Parkinson's Disease, by the way, is a rare neurological disease that gets very little publicity. It affects thousands of people every year, and all of them are either professional boxers or Michael J. Fox. Let's pretend that getting repeatedly punched in the head for a living has nothing to do with it, shall we?

Anyway, Rocky should have been retired twenty years ago, and working as a greeter in a casino somewhere, divorced and paying off his back income taxes. Instead, the plucky everyman is dragged out again to prop up Sylvester Stallone's alleged movie career.

Let's take a look at why Stallone is eager to revisit his first love. Here's some of Stallone's output from the last decade.

"Eye See You" -- No, no one did. I don't think it was even released in theatres. It went straight to beta video, 8 millimeter film, and flip book.
"Get Carter" -- Get serious. No one makes a comeback in a movie that relies on Mickey Rourke.
"Driven" -- It takes quite a movie to suck the energy and fun out of high speed racing. This is just such a movie.
"Avenging Angelo" -- Didn't see it, never heard of it, not sure if it was a movie or the name of a professional wrestler.
"Judge Dredd" -- How do you screw up a character like Dredd? Easy, you wait a decade to long to film the movie, you let Stallone sneer every single one of his lines, and then you add Rob Schneider.

Why go this far back in the career? Why not just dig up John Rambo again? Drop him into Iraq, and have him dig out spider holes? Why not film the logical sequels to all of Stallone's films? Why not "Locked Up Again"? "Even More Demolition Man"?

Or my favorite, "Stop, My Mom Is Still Shooting"?