Reid About It

With a tip of the hat to my role model, today's blog is all about people I'm done with, and I feel like society would be improved by their quick extermination.

-- Whoever that bastard is who keeps calling me to tell me my car warranty is expired. If I had a warranty, it expired in the Clinton administration. Having your machine phone me at home and work every day for the rest of my life isn't going to make me hand over my credit card number, Chester.

-- People with a MySpace or Facebook account who only post pictures of their kids. I'm sure your kids are cute, but when you don't at least throw up a couple of snapshots of what you look like, we all assume you've gained a thousand pounds and an extra nose.

-- Whoever is in charge of Chinese food fortunes these days. "Change Is The Watchword of Progression?" What the Hell is that? That's not a fortune. That sentence in no way predicts the future. It's not even a good moral. It sounds like something you'd hear in an ad for some luxury car.

-- People who say "Mmhmm," when you say "Thank you." Is a simple "You're welcome" so hard?

-- Anyone wearing a baseball cap that points neither forward nor backwards.

-- People who write their Twitter or Facebook status with things like "Bob is sad..." or "Phyllis can't believe it..." Why don't you just say "Jimmy is begging for attention," or "Carla wants everyone to ask her what's going on."

-- Supermodels empowered by our newest President.

-- People who go through the express line with too many items. It used to be ten items or less, then twelve, and now it's twenty. However, the cutoff doesn't really matter if you're going to skate through the speedy line with twelve hundred items in your cart. If not a summary execution, then the offenders should at least be fined a dollar for each item over the limit, for each person kept waiting.

-- Newscasters who use the word "tragedy" for every situation from a plane crash to a cat stuck in a tree. Find a new cliche, Captain Haircut.

-- Anyone who mentions the World Cup whenever I talk about how the Super Bowl is the biggest sporting event on the planet. Let's be serious here. Sports involve using all of your body.

-- People who love animals, but to the exclusion of common sense. If you have a hundred animals in your apartment, or twenty-two dogs in your car, you not only have fleas, but you also have a major problem.

-- Anyone who gets married in a Wal-Mart.

-- Anyone who expects me to donate my money to the Governor's Mansion Restoration Fund. I'm not sure what's setting me off here. Perhaps it's our toilet-bound national economy, or the layoffs every industry (including mine) is experiencing. Maybe it's the thought that the great state of Texas is #49 in verbal SAT scores and #46 in average math SAT scores nationally. Our graduation rate? Thirty-sixth. Galveston is still a mess, and now they're considering opening up gambling just so the island can be rebuilt. Build a new house yourself, asshole.