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RWISYDHT: Friday the 13th

Longtime readers of my stuff know what a fan of bad movies I am. I thought today I'd begin a new segment where I watch movies that no one else should have to, and spare everyone the horror. In honor of the day, my first segment will deal with the man of the hour.

Reid Watches It So You Don't Have To:
The Friday The 13th Franchise

He's more recognizable than your average Vice-President, only with a slightly higher body count. He's Jason Voorhees, everybody's favorite serial killer, and somehow he's had eleven movies and made more than three hundred million bucks in the past twenty-eight years.

No need for you to see these movies, I've already done it. In honor of the anniversary, here's what you need to know about each flick.

Friday the 13th This was after the movie "Halloween," when studios were green-lighting anything with a slasher and a calendar connection. "Prom Night," "Happy Birthday To Me," "April Fool's Day," basically any special event was cause for a whole boatload of people to get killed. Kevin Bacon is killed by Mrs. Voorhees, thus giving Jason a "Kevin Bacon Index" of two.

Friday the 13th Part 2 Jason's first appearance, wearing a potato sack for a facial covering. He appears to be a cross between the Elephant Man and the banjo player from Deliverance.

Friday the 13th Part 3 This movie was in 3-D, thus making it not only horribly acted, but awkward on cable. Jason picks up the famous hockey mask in this one.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter This movie wasn't the final chapter, obviously. Jason meets nutjob loonball Crispin Glover and parks a cleaver in his face. Sadly, Corey Feldman gets away. In retrospect, it would have been a mercy kill.

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning This was the "Jason: The Next Generation" try, where they kept Jason dead and had someone else take up his exact MO. Accepting that one retarded super-psycho killer was hanging out and carving up teenagers at Crystal Lake was hard enough, nobody bought that there were two of them.

Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives Jason gets struck by lightning, then rips out the heart of Horshack, from Welcome Back Kotter. No kidding. This was the movie where Jason effectively becomes immortal and unstoppable, and the franchise turns from "horror" to "comedy that makes you feel creepy about all of the teenagers in the theatre cheering for the serial killer."

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood Jason versus Carrie. A machete beats a telekinetic high school girl nine times out of ten, by the way.

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan Jason leaves his country home for the big city, and winds up killed by nuclear waste. I think there was a metaphor of some sort there, but I didn't get it.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday Again, "Final" obviously is just a marketing term. This film answers the question, "Why haven't the federal authorities noticed that Jason has killed a thousand people over the past ten years?"

Jason X Jason revives in the future, and in a world of laser cannons and virtual reality, he still hacks up people with a machete and people shoot at him with bullets. He's old school.

Freddy vs. Jason Jason has apparently killed everybody else by now, so he's being sicced on other fictional serial killers. Next sequel, he'll be fighting Hannibal Lecter, Sweeney Todd, and Voldemort.

And there you have it. I've wasted my youth watching them, no need for you guys to waste your brain cells. You're welcome.

blogified by Reid @ 7/13/2007 01:26:00 AM 

8 Comments:

Blogger alternatefish said...

thank you for the public service you are providing with this. really, thank you.

I've never seen any of these, but I feel like I should because of Jason's stature--if I were to watch one, which is the...best? I like either straight scary or Evil Dead camp. or do I have to watch all 29 to get the full effect?

8:17 AM  
Blogger Travis Erwin said...

reid said ...He's more recognizable than your average Vice-President, only with a slightly higher body count.

That may be debatable.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I am just glad that I stubbled into this. I watched the first one at a slummber party long ago. I sat on the floor with a tea towel over my head. That movie scared the holy bejesis out of me. Scary. I still to this day when sleeping in a cabin wondering if someone is under the bed is going to stab me through the matress. That is one long knife. ( ha ha ha thats what she said).

1:09 PM  
Blogger Reid said...

A-Fish, if you have to see one based on actually scariness, the original is probably the best. For campiness, probably Jason Does Manhattan is the one with more creepy laughs.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Anissa said...

I've never seen any of these, and now...man! I'm glad. Though the mental image of Jason versus Lecter is pretty funny. Battle of the masks.

Honestly, I had no idea there had been so many. So thanks!

6:25 PM  
Anonymous James A. said...

Hey, Reid, I can't believe you stole my idea for a post!!!

Just kidding, man. Nice article.

http://blogzarro.com/?p=311

12:23 AM  
Blogger k said...

Hey Reid! thanks for stopping by my blog! I noticed that you were born in LA and you're a Kerr... It just so happens that I'm a Kerr and all the Kerrs in my family are from LA. Wouldn't it be creepy if we were related? :-)

3:05 PM  
Blogger tanyamoniq said...

Speaking of Corey Feldman, have you seen the previews of The Two Coreys on A&E? That's sure to be a fun time.

1:38 PM  

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