Reid About It

I'm pretty much carbon neutral. However, I still have lingering prejudice against lactose.

Lowe's has those shoplifter-proof security gates in their stores. Why? Is that to stop a guy trying to smuggle out a dishwasher in his pants?

I like going to PetSmart, because I can pee anywhere and nobody gets suspicious.

Wal-Mart has a new marketing idea, they're going to start making smaller stores. Another revolutionary idea from the folks at Wal-Mart, eh? They're going backwards in time to before they screwed everything up. What other great new concepts will they come up with next? Perhaps a device to anchor a cell phone to the wall, so you won't lose it. Maybe they should make televisions with knobs on the front in case you lose the remotes, and antennas for when the cable goes out in storms.

Somewhere out there is a factory where they test toilets. When I'm upset about the crap I have to put up with at work, I think about that and feel better by comparison.

They now make KY Lubricant in mist form. If you can't take it on yourself to apply this product manually, maybe you shouldn't be using it.

I'd like to see a cop buddy-movie with Nick Nolte and Gary Busey. They could do bad-cop-worse cop. Or maybe drunk-cop, high-cop.

I loved to read mysteries growing up. My favorite was "The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Ivory Douchebag."

There are always movies where somebody has an accident, and can see into the future. What about the other senses? Where is the guy who can wake up, and hear a massive car crash down on Broadway street coming up at noon? The blind man who can smell tonight's steak dinner at six o'clock in the morning? The savant who can taste death in the air?

I saw a really funny TV show the other day. The main character was this fat guy, and he had a hot wife who was always making fun of him. I know they lived in a big city because he was always wearing the local sporting apparel, and their family was always dropping by and causing hilarious problems. I wish I could remember the name of that show.