Reid About It

We start with Christian facing down the pimp. Christian somehow feels that sleeping with Michelle under his boss's nose gives him some kind of moral superiority over Michelle's pimp. This probably won't end well.

Christian and Sean drive past Matt picking up trash with his cult. Just to remind us that Matt makes horrible decision, Sean brings up the Nazi and the transsexual Matt's dated, then Matt spends a while ogling Kimber. Yeah, adding the porn star to the hit list will help. How he doesn't have a raging case of the "Burning Members" by now, I'll never know.

For the first and hopefully last time, I hear Rosie O'Donnell talking about penis enlargement. I'm sure there was more said, but my brain shut off at that point, and I woke up on the floor in the fetal position.

Now, the pimp is blackmailing the guy who's sleeping with the prostitute, who's the gold-digging wife of the boss who's only married to her for the sex. The moral high ground on this show is only about shin high this week.

Julia thinks Sean is cheating on her because he's called a phone sex place. She offers to get him dirty movies, and he gives her an engagement ring. Coincidentally, I have that Norman Rockwell print on my wall, "Husband Banging Babysitter Gives Diamonds For Dirty Talk."

Rosie O'Donnell gets her hoohah waxed. I wake up passed out, facedown in a puddle of my own sick.

Sean and Christian give Matt a Porsche, and Kimber gets onto him for letting material things come between him and the church. How can you say that seriously in a church where you have to pay to achieve enlightenment? Although I understand having Tom Cruise's baby, or sleeping with Travolta will enable you to move up the ladder quicker.

After she pays for them, Rosie O'Donnell's daughter uses her new boobs to seduce her husband and his new penis. It's not exactly an O. Henry story.

We have a rumble between the Deprogrammers and the Scientologists. If these three guys can't outfight Matt, who's about a buck-oh-five soaking wet, perhaps the money would have been better spent on a couple of wrestlers.

Rosie and Christian have sex on the rug. I exhibit hysterical blindness, and spend the rest of the show flailing about searching for a glass of Drano.

Is anybody ever happy on this show? Except for the Scientologists, I mean?