Everything Bad = Good!
It all started this week when a report came out saying coffee can "counteract alcohol's poisonous effects on the liver and help prevent cirrhosis."
One cup cut the risk by 20 percent. Four cups a day reduces the risk by 80 percent, and also increases the chance 130% that you will never sleep again, enabling you to stay at the bar and drink more, safely.
Well, buoyed by this goofy method of research, America's fat, drunken, all-male research staff went right back to work. Now, they've unveiled a new study that proves that it's good for your prostate if you drink 17 beers a day and eat 4 large pizzas.
What next? Well, we're in trouble if we drink 17 beers a day, but washing it down with four cups of coffee will keep us from getting cirrhosis. I can't wait for the next big scientific advance for guys. Remember, we're the ones who completely ignored cancer so we could work on Viagra.
Top 5 Other Scientific Advances Compiled By Guy Scientists
- Having sex with overweight men reduces the risk of breast cancer by 87%.
- Weekly intake of BBQ increases SAT scores.
- The semen of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" fans is a powerful analgesic.
- Slow Pitch Softball proven equivalent to rock-climbing in caloric burn.
- Daily absorption of "Seinfeld" reruns shown to enlarge frontal lobe, reduce "shrinkage".
Feel free to add your own. Or better yet, for a real Top5 list, check out TopFive.com. Great stuff there, delivered to your email every morning.
4 Comments:
Hmmmm YOU watch alot of "Seinfeld", don't you?
Reid, you have officially delivered the LOLs.
Yes, I do watch a lot of Seinfeld. And I got a big ol' frontal lobe, too! Anyone who's ever seen me try and wear a baseball cap knows that.
And thank you, Jay. I appreciate the kind words. I do what I can.
How about "Breast exams are necessary every day for maximum boob health."
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