Today's Horoscope
Aries: You will become acquainted with a handsome stranger on a long journey. However, he will take you as a hostage, so dress comfortably.
Taurus: Your moon is in the seventh house, but your husband is in the neighbor's bedroom. Call an attorney.
Gemini: Self-examination is the key to growth. You will come to the realization most of the people in your "Friends & Family" plan don't like you.
Cancer:
Leo: Communication is very important. Spend the day creating your own language.
Virgo: Beware the man who smells like ham.
Libra: Your lifeline appears to dead end into a large tree. Perhaps you should walk to work.
Scorpio: Your financial future seems bleak. Withdraw your money from the stock market and invest heavily in "McRibs."
Sagittarius: You will have the kind of day that would scare the crap out of Stephen King.
Capricorn: The future is hazy. It seems like a penguin will steal your wallet on a crosstown bus, but that might be a celestial typo.
Aquarius: The universe is unusually specific. Tina Yothers will attempt to murder you with a waffle iron.
Pisces: Check your pockets for fried chicken before leaving for work, and beware of any detour that takes you near the dog pound.
1 Comments:
heh. I actually subscribed to a horoscope service for awhile that was all crazy specific like that. "At noon you'll find a $20 on the sidewalk next to a red truck and you should use it to break your diet and eat ice cream." The funny thing was, it was one of the most accurate horoscope services I'd ever seen.
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