Reid About It

I went to the men's room in an IHOP in Houston, and the door said "Men - Caballeros". I like that. I was just going to use the can, but suddenly I felt all jaunty.

One of the cell phone companies slogans is "The Fewest Dropped Calls of Any Provider." That's a little bit disconcerting. How do they know that? Are they listening in to all of my calls to see if I say "Bye"?

A question I've always had about zombie movies, everybody seems so concerned about getting bitten by a zombie and turning into one. What about sexual contact with a zombie? Seems like something that should have come up by now in forty years of zombie movies. Maybe the question has only come up because "Night of the Living Dead" and "Deliverance" were on back-to-back the other night.

I was watching a documentary on the death penalty the other day. Have you ever noticed that about 75% of the people you see on death row in the American South look like Steve Earle?

My local bookstore has a bargain/used section of books called "Inspirational." How inspirational could these books possibly be if people bought them and discarded them? That's like buying a Bible from the Estate of a guy who committed suicide.

I saw part of Star Wars: Return of the Jedi on cable the other day, and I noticed something that takes all of the excitement out of that last big battle with the Ewoks on Endor. Stormtrooper armor sucked. Think about it. It's one thing to get zapped by laser fire from Han and Luke, but those Stormtroopers got their butts whipped by Ewoks. That armor didn't hold up to a three-foot tall Muppet hitting it with a rock on a stick. The Empire must have bought their gear at Wal-Mart.

People always seem to get excited when one of those free standing fairs comes to town. The carnies set up on a parking lot, and bolt the rides into the concrete and take off. You know, I just don't trust portable roller coasters being run by an elementary school dropout with six teeth, two noses, and rickets.