Reid About It

I'm confused. Are the evil hated pagan liberal Nazi lesbian proctologists declaring war on "Christmas," or war on "X-Mas"? I just need to mark my scorecard accordingly.

I was wondering what the next thing that people would overreact to would be. It's nice to know it's at least holiday related, so I can hear Christmas carols while I watch people seethe.

Yes, some people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." And no, those people won't be allowed into heaven.

Come on, is this the worst thing we have to worry about? That one holiday is not specifically mentioned in favor of a blanket well wish?

It's especially hilarious to me when religious people get upset about things that have absolutely nothing to do with the religious aspects of their holiday.

Them: Well, some places don't even call them "Christmas trees" anymore!
Me: Well, so what? Jesus never had a Christmas tree, and it's his birthday. Show me Christmas trees in the bible, and we'll talk.

I'll admit it. I usually say "Happy Holidays" for a variety of reasons.

I say "Happy Holidays" because I'm lazy, and I don't want to have to remember to switch to the next holiday.

I say "Happy Holidays" because I don't really mean it, and I only want to tell you one big lie, and then you hand me my hamburger and I walk away.

I say "Happy Holidays" because I don't want to offend Christians because true Christians shouldn't get rip-roaring, knee-walking, commode-hugging drunk for New Years, and thus don't have much fun. Ergo I don't want to mention it specifically, and bring them down.

I say "Happy Holidays" because quite often, people who demand that you mention Christmas specifically are also screaming racists, and will be upset when I mention Kwanzaa.

I say "Happy Holidays" because those same people have the same reaction to Hanukkah.

I say "Happy Holidays" because Christmas is a religious holiday in the same way that the Super Bowl is a football game. It may have started that way, but now that's only a small part of the event.

I say "Happy Holidays" because there's no need to be specific. I'm not going to delve into the background of the guy handing me my Chick-Fil-A sandwich, and try and figure out if he's Christian, Jew, or Muslim. "Happy Holidays" covers all backgrounds. Hell, even atheists appreciate it, because they get the day off work.

From the bottom of my heart, I hope all of you have a good season, and a happy Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year's, Pearl Harbor Day, Boxing Day, Sunday, Hand Washing Awareness Week, Britney Spears Birthday, Boston Tea Party Anniversary, and you're all invited to my pair of Frank Zappa parties, one for his birth, another for his death.

'Cause I don't want to, you know, offend anybody.