Reid About It

I love the NFL, but enough, please. No mas. Stop with celebrating the first game of the season like we've just found a cure for AIDS. No more random appearances by bands, or testimonials by semi-celebrities, or fireworks shows, or Broadway dances, or banner celebrations, or slapfights, or handjobs, or orchestras, or anything else that is not football.

Get Freddie Prinze Jr. the Hell off of my television. I don't want to see Michelle Branch singing, being driven around on top of a giant football. Santana was at Woodstock, for God's sake, let him retire in peace. If you're old enough to sing with today's pop stars, and you have to think back through forty years of drugged-up tours just to make sure they're not part of your bloodline, it's time to pack it in.

And why is the semi-coherent Ozzy Osbourne still everybody's favorite man? Ozzy Osbourne being one of corporate America's favorite spokesmen is like John Wayne Gacy being chosen as "America's Favorite Clown".

My feelings about the extended pregame show is that if you weren't going to watch the first game of the NFL season, but you'll tune in to watch because the "pregame extranaganza" features brief, pretaped, lip-synching appearances by Ozzy, Trisha Yearwood, and/or Santana, then fuck you. You obviously have no business watching the game in the first place, so stay the Hell away. I don't ask other channels to put football on, don't come to my football games and expect Emeril to come out and show you how to make party nachos beforehand.