Reid About It

I'd like to start this column by saying that I'm very sorry for what has happened today. I'd like to thank my wife, Jill, for her devotion, and my daughter, Emily, for her love, as well as my teammates for standing by me in this difficult time.

When I spoke before Congress this year and vehemently denied using steroids, I was being truthful. I have no idea where my recent positive steroid test came from, nor do I have any knowledge of how an illegal supplement best known as a steroid that causes horses' hearts to explode came to be in my system. My trainer regularly gives me supplements he finds discarded at the Belmont, perhaps that is where it originated.

While on that subject, I regret telling the state trooper that there was nothing in my trunk. What I should have said was, "There's nothing in my trunk that I personally packed." I certainly understand his confusion at finding sixty pounds of heroin left there by a friend of mine who had borrowed my car recently.

Earlier this month, I testified before a grand jury that I had no knowledge as to the whereabouts of Natalie Holloway. Last night while serving as a guest on The Nancy Grace Show, I apparently blurted out the location of her body. I have no idea how that knowledge came to me. I have our team psychologist looking into that, and also have a certified psychic examining the situation.

When I gave a sworn statement that I was home on the evening of August 2nd, I meant every word. However, I can see where my neglect in mentioning the morning trip to Laredo for a breakfast of PCP and underage hookers could cause some concern. I stress that keeping that part out of the public eye was never my intention, and merely an oversight. I have lost my Palm Pilot, and am having difficulty recreating certain day's activities.

There has been some confusion over some of my business dealings, and I regret that. My involvement with a line of devices commonly used to bypass drug tests comes at an unfortunate time, I'll admit that. The makers of The Original Whizzinator were looking for a celebrity endorser, and I needed some money to settle a gambling debt.

Did I say gambling debt? I meant, I had spent most of my money gambling that a new wing for my church would help neighborhood youths escape their hard street lives and become productive citizens. Just want to make sure the press does not again misquote me.

In any case, I'll stress that I have never, ever used the Whizzinator to escape detection on a drug test. Again, the company using my name and likeness on their new "Piss-Be-Clear" product is merely an unfortunate coincidence, especially given the timing of their new ad campaign.

My arrangement with the Columbia CD Club has come into question, which I'd like to address personally right now. I did not intentionally enter into any agreement, and I don't see why I should have to pay for an album by Yellowcard that I did not order, especially when I don't even know who Yellowcard is. I don't think I should be held responsible for a "Do Not Send Selection Of The Month" card that was clearly lost in the mail.

I would like to again thank my family and friends for standing by me through this terrible time. I want to again stress to my fans that I have never tried to deceive any of you, and apologize profusely to anyone let down by these unfortunate coincidences.