Reid About It

The sports world was shocked this week, when formerly nice guy Rafael Palmiero was suspended for being chock-full of steroids. Raffy testified before Congress five months ago, vehemently denying any use of steroids ever in what has become more ironic than Vince Neil wearing a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt. Palmiero said he had no idea how the steroid got into his body. Here are a few clues, Raffy.

• If your nutritional supplement comes in a jar with a picture of an animal, a bulldozer, or Jose Canseco on it, it's a steroid.
• If the serving instructions include the phrase "jammed in your ass," it's a steroid.
• If the only time you can buy it is when you play a preseason game in Mexico, it's a steroid.
• If the guy who turned you onto it your rookie year is already dead, it's a steroid.
• If the product's slogan is "Hulk Smash," it's a steroid.
• If everytime you take it, you have the urge to beat up the next person you see, even if it's just you in your mirror, it's a steroid.
• If it's marketed by Vince McMahon, it's a steroid.
• If after using the product for a month, you have to replace your batting helmet with a fruit basket, it's a steroid.

Now it comes out that Palmiero didn't take a supplement, but actually a steroid associated with racehorses. Nice. Now I have to point out that Palmiero has had more stolen bases than Secretariat and Seattle Slew put together.