Reid About It

There's a store in Dallas called "Condoms To Go". Of course they are. You're not going to use them there, are you?

I love going to the zoo, because not only is it fun, it's also usually inexpensive which means you'll run into lots of trashy white folks there looking for a low-income outing. Nothing sets the scene for a relaxing day of fun like an 18 year-old Federline-looking baggy-pants punk with his hat on sideways blowing cigarette smoke on a monkey.

I saw a place advertising "Do It Yourself Pest Control". Isn't that just a shoe?

It seems like there's a lot of nostalgia acts touring. When I go see a band from the 70s or 80s, I not only want them to play their hits, I want them to play all the songs I think they played, too. If I go see KC and the Sunshine Band, I full expect them to perform "Play That Funky Music, White Boy," even though they didn't originally record it. When I go to the boat show, I want Jesus Jones to play that EMF song, and vice versa. And every hair metal band from the 80's should play every hair metal song from the 80's. In fact, they should all have to be in the same band. Call 'em "Warranted Union of the Great White Poison Lion Snake," and let 'em play the hits.

I think popcorn is only popular in movie theatres because it's dark in the theatre, and they can't watch you picking shells out of your teeth and hacking.

They now make KY Lubricant in mist form. If you can't get someone to help apply this product manually, maybe you shouldn't be using it.

There are always movies where somebody has an accident, and can see into the future. What about the other senses? Where is the guy who can wake up, and hear a massive car crash down on Broadway street coming up at noon? The blind man who can smell tonight's steak dinner at six o'clock in the morning? The savant who can taste death in the air?

XM Radio has something called "The Playboy Channel." I've never heard it, but it doesn't make sense to me. To begin with, how sexy can radio be? And if it is, is this supposed to be the audio form of Playboy Magazine? Do they really want me driving around masturbating, and then falling asleep on the turnpike?

People always seem to get excited when one of those free standing fairs comes to town. The carnies set up on a parking lot, and bolt the rides into the concrete and take off. You know, I just don't trust portable roller coasters being run by an elementary school dropout with six teeth, two noses, and rickets.

We now have microwave tacos, and awesome omelette sandwiches. I have a little test I like to run on a food before I try it. If I look at a food and the first thing I think is that Elvis would have liked it, I pass.

They should have a combination fax machine/shredder. Most of the crap you get faxed to you, you don't need anyway.

A commercial for "The Ultimate Can Opener" came on. It claimed the product would be the best can opener I ever used. Is that something most people keep stats on? I mean, I've got a top five, but it hasn't been updated in a while. Currently, my favorite can opener ever was from a bed and breakfast in Pocatello, Idaho. Beat that!