An Open Letter To My Cat
I'll freely admit it, I'm a dog person. Having a cat has been a new experience for me, and while I certainly do enjoy your softness and companionship, taking you in has raised some questions.I'm unfamiliar with cats, are you supposed to sleep 32 hours a day? I worry about you to the point where I'm considering bringing home mice from the pet shop just to see if you'll wake up.
In the stores, there are all sorts of toys and climbing materials for cats. Why don't you ever do anything like that? I bought you a jingly toy and you just looked at me like I was an idiot. Is there anything else I can bring home you might enjoy, like a rubber mouse or a Rubic's Cube?
After a few weeks of having to sweep a half-mile radius around your litter box, I get it. You need a bigger place to poop. I'll take care of it. How an animal so finicky she barely eats can lay more poop than a rabid wolverine, I'll never know, but I'll keep sweeping.
You know those pointy things on your front feet? You should probably be aware you can retract those any time you want to. When you get them stuck in the couch, or the blanket, or the carpet, you don't have to sit there pulling and flopping like you've been glued to the ground.
Thank you so much for the cameo appearance you put in every night in my bed. Each night as I lay down and you hop on the bed, I feel so warmed by your love and devotion. Then thirty seconds later when you climb out from under my loving hands, jump down and run off, I wonder why I couldn't get the cat from the commercials.
I assure you, I really enjoy scratching you behind your ears in that spot you like. However, your insistence on laying down two inches away from my reach just baffles me. I'm used to dogs, which are veritable fountains of attention and affection, so I apologize if I'm not reading your signals correctly.
I should also assure you I have learned my lesson, and will not attempt to whistle for you or snap my fingers to get you to "come" ever again.
8 Comments:
Did you kidnap my cat?! :)
You've mastered the correct mindset to be a cat-owner, I see. That humble, uncomplaining quest to find new ways to please and serve the Lord Cat is absolutely crucial.
You crack me up! I've given up cats, I think. They either make you work way too hard for their affection or they're so affectionate you can't breathe, literally. Maybe if I would've jotted a little note to him we'd have had better luck.
Dear Reid--
I sleep about eighteen hours a day. I need to save my energy for the after hours hunting of dirty socks left underneath the bed.
As far as the toys go, I'd save your money. I prefer virtually anything that would reek havok on Karen's life (particularly if it's in the garbage can). I also like plastic straws.
In regards to the litter box, I would recommend filling your entire spare bathtub with kitty litter if you don't want it all over the floor of your home. Karen refuses to do this, so although the litter box is upstairs, she still finds litter downstairs.
Dude, it's May and this is Texas. It's too freakin hot to snuggle. Come January she'll snuggle.
YOU SNAPPED YOUR FINGERS AT HER (WHAT IS "HER" NAME, BY THE WAY)??? This is absolutely unacceptable. If you lived with me, you'd simply be sleeping in your car.
-- P
Do you think we've traumatized the cat by naming her "Garbage"? Maybe that's why she's so stand-offish.
Well, "Garbage" the kitty (named after "The Office," of course) does tend to show affection as long as she is receiving it. I'm learning!
As someone who has been ruled by felines her entire life...a word of advice: When winter rolls around, and it's kind of cold (as cold as it gets in Texas anyway), and she's laying on her back in the sole patch of sun in the room. Just back away. As inviting as it looks to rub that warm soft underbelly...It's. A. Trap. Trust me.
I've only had outdoor cats, but my sis has 2 cats (my "nephews.") You've described them perfectly. Here's my question: does Garbage beg you to scratch her tummy, then claw and bite you when you do? Most confusing cat behavior ever.
Oh, and do Rabid Wolverines really poop a lot? I never knew that!!
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