Reid About It

My friend Christine, who blogs over at Overthink, recently had a column on her top ten list of things she wishes she could say to people but can't.

I think that's a great idea. However, most of my friends, loved ones, and people I'd love to complain about all read my blog, so I'm not going to do that. Instead, here are my Top Ten things I'd like to say to certain famous people.

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You are the fattest person to ever write a bestselling diet book. You should wash Oprah's car for everything she's done for you.

It doesn't matter how many strippers VH1 tries to set you up with, the bandana and the cowboy hat are still a dead giveaway that you're going bald.

I don't really remember your dad from the OJ trial, but your appeal seems to be centered directly around your enormous garbonzos, and that's okay with me.

Why can't you just release that one good album you do every four years, and not record the three shitty ones you do in the interim?

Just because you do a great John Madden impersonation doesn't mean you can carry a whole half-hour TV show.

On behalf of the rest of America, we only like your movies when you're playing a baseball player.

When people come to your show and you don't give them stuff, they're disappointed.

You will either be a legendary singer or a hilarious burnout, and I honestly can't decide which one would be more fascinating to watch.

You're one of the richest men on Earth and you have your own TV show, so I'm going to assume you wear your hair in such a comical fashion to distract us from something else.

Just because you've restarted your career by replaying your characters from the 80s, please don't take that as a sign we want you to make "Stop! Or My Mom Will Keep Shooting!"