There's been a lot of talk about the new "Beverly Hills, 90210" spinoff coming out. Let me be the first to say, "Good luck" and "it won't work."
Sorry. I give it a year of heavily-hyped media attention, then a quick fade.
The original "90210" was a surprise hit. Back in 1991, FOX took a chance and aired new episodes of the show over the summer, thus breaking the long-standing policy of the big three networks to only show reruns over the summer months.
Let me correct myself. I say they took a chance, in reality they were just desperate. Fox was airing shows like Drexell's Class, Get A Life, Haywire, and Parker Lewis Can't Lose, some of which lasted so briefly, even wikipedia doesn't remember them. At the time, 90210 wasn't even in the top hundred shows, so they literally had nothing to lose.
And so they did it, and it worked out. Dylan and Brenda's summer romance was the talk of the nation, at least among the coveted young female demographic. The show gained popularity, spun off two shows, and quickly went downhill. Worse, almost every actor left the show at one point or another. Worst of all, Brian Austin Green wasn't one of the actors who left.
The show was a fireball, a product whose legend far exceeds it's actual use. Sure, people remember the chants of "Donna Martin Graduates," but who recalls the murder of Dylan's fiance? Or Vanessa Marcil and Donna turning out to be cousins and half-sisters? Or when everybody realized that Andrea was in her 30's and still in high school, like Cameron Crowe?
Do we need another "90210"? What's to be gained from reimagining the show? That current young female demographic doesn't remember the show, they remember "The OC" and "Dawson's Creek."
They have their own memories. A new "90210" is like hearing a song you used to love when you were a kid and enjoying it, then realizing it wasn't that great anyway and going on to the next one.
I think after a few years of working with a DVR (the generic TiVo), it's become the piece of technology I can't do without. If you made me choose, I would give up my microwave, DVD player, GPS system, mp3 player, alarm clock, electric hammer, battery-operated melonballer, and my iPants before I'd let you take my DVR away.
Perhaps nothing is better for the ego than realizing you can suddenly stop time. Not paying attention to the show and something important happens? Back it up. You're watching something featuring the maddening mumbling of Eric Braeden? No problem, hit instant replay and try and figure out exactly what he meant when he said "That summa wuz happa hehna anaga."
It goes further than that, though, I actually get upset when I realize I don't have my DVR powers in real life. I'm constantly finding myself trying to rewind songs on the radio, or instant replay snippets of conversation. It's the ultimate ADD enabler.
ABC: Desperate Housewives -- Susan trips over things, Bree is uptight, Lynette tricks Tim, Gaby is a sociopath (repeat). ABC: Lost -- In a cruel twist, the Oceanic 7 are picked to be on the new season of "Big Brother." ABC: Extreme Home Makeover -- The gang makes over Neverland Ranch in an attempt to make it more kid-friendly, with disasterous results. CBS: Two-And-A-Half Men -- Charlie and Alan discuss with Jake how it's possible that their show has been on for five years, and yet no one has any memories of ever watching it. CBS: CSI: Duluth NBC: ER -- For the 14th consecutive year, horrible things happen at County General Hospital, which must have been built on an Indian burial ground or something. NBC: Deal or No Deal -- Howie Mandel gets America to laugh at a woman who just swapped $100,000 for a roll of quarters. NBC: America's Got Talent -- Live coverage proves actually no, it doesn't. FOX: 24 -- Jack Bauer finds his new mission is to free Keifer Sutherland from jail. FOX: Family Guy -- Peter equates Brian's rabies with the time he worked as P-Diddy's pool cleaner. MTV: Pimp My Mom VH1: I Love Yesterday Morning ESPN: Live coverage of Brett Favre sitting in traffic. NFL NETWORK: Fashion Week -- Live coverage of ESPN's coverage of Brett Favre. VH1: Behind the Music -- The tragic fate of Josie and the Pussycats. BRAVO: Inside The Actor's Studio -- Examines Christopher Walken's career, from up and coming weirdo to highly respected creepy bastard. TRAVEL: "Branson, Wal-Mart's Las Vegas" FOOD: "Cooking for Bulemics"
Catching up on some television over the weekend, I think I've hit upon why real life is so frustrating. There are things that happen all the time on television that just don't happen to us in real life.
Cars Exploding - I've mentioned this one before, but cars explode on every single cop and detective show on TV. Every week, a dozen cars go up in a giant fireball. I've never seen one, not even once. I feel like I've been gypped.
People Angrily Leaving a Restaurant Without Eating - This happens a lot, especially in romantic comedies. there's a meal, the food is served, and then someone gets upset and storms out. I don't think I've ever been angry enough to leave without eating. And for that matter, who's paying for that meal? I don't care how angry you get during the appetizer, most maitre d' are instructed to tackle you if you try to leave without paying for that prime rib you ordered.
Overturning A Table - Here's another one. I've been waiting for somebody to get in an argument and flip a table ever since I saw Duran Duran's "Rio" video. Doesn't happen in real life, at least not on purpose.
Phone Manners - Nobody ever says "good-bye" on the phone. They just hang up and walk off. I can't help but imagine the person on the other end of that call saying "Hello? Hello? Why, you rude bastard!"
Paternity Tests - I've never known anybody who needed one except Anna Nicole Smith, but there's one a month on soap operas. And also, every paternity test is wrong. Every single one is compromised. No soap opera fan was surprised when OJ was acquitted,because they're used to things always being wrong.
Haircuts - No one every gets a haircut in an episode, nor does anyone's hair ever change from episode to episode unless it's a plot point.
Groceries in Paper Bags - I know as viewers, we have to see that somebody's bought groceries. Apparently we're too stupid to know that unless we see the characters walking in with the same type of grocery-carrying-apparatus that June Cleaver used forty years ago. To heck with recycling.
As my regular readers know, one of my guilty pleasures was the VH1 dating show "Rock of Love," which featured Poison singer Bret Michaels searching for true love in a house full of women. And by "women," I mean strippers. Between Michaels never-ending search for love and his remarkable array of methods to disguise his receding hairline, I was hooked.
Okay, it wasn't exactly Masterpiece Theatre, but it sure was entertaining. For those of you scoring at home with reality shows, I stuck with "Rock of Love" and "Gene Simmons Family Jewels," and quickly abandoned "The Two Coreys" and "Scott Baio is Old and Unloved." I guess I can afford to be choosy, since we're at the point of nostalgia overflow.
Anyway, news is coming out now that the man who owns the mansion where the show was filmed says they trashed his house.
To start with, I hope it's not too much of a surprise that the mansion didn't actually belong to Bret Michaels. I'm sure Michaels has a nice house of his own, but not a mansion. His house probably can only hold ten strippers, or twelve if they come pre-greased.
The owner is claiming the show caused $380,000 in damage to his house. What was he expecting? When you turn your home over to a rock singer and 25 strippers, then open the bar, you're certainly not expecting to come back and find they've shampooed the carpet on their way out.
He complained about "finding holes in the walls and ceilings." Well, those stripper poles don't just clip on, Chester. If the girls are going to swing from them, they have to be bolted down. He also said the grass and plants were dead, I can only assume they choked under the weight of a thousand spilled drinks and cigarette butts.
Seriously, what was he hoping for? You lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas. You turn your house into a barracks for strippers, you wind up with collateral damage. It's just how the world works.
There's been a lot of talk about the new "Beverly Hills, 90210" spinoff coming out. Let me be the first to say, "Good luck" and "it won't work."
