I've been doing a lot of reading lately, hoping for inspiration. After reading several crime thrillers and being disappointed, I've decided to write my own non-cliched novel.
My novel will be centered around a man in prison for a crime he did commit, and a mafia hitman who has no problems killing women, children, and dogs. There's a hooker without a heart of gold, but rather with a fiery crotch of chlamydia. Tracking the case is a policeman with two weeks until retirement, who has one last case he doesn't care at all about solving.
Some of the minor characters will be a henchman who's a former ballet dancer, a PI who keeps breaking the laws the cops wish they could break, and also keeps getting arrested for it, a wisecracking bartender who's new in town and doesn't know anybody, and a mafia don who spends nights surfing Match.com.
The story begins with the murder of a bookie who takes odds on "Big Brother," and a shipment of guns coming into town from an arms dealer with a huge comic book collection.
I plan to have the case solved by a former cop who drinks, but not too much.
Just in case they get around to changing it, this is from the tenth paragraph about McCain's possible VPs...
"His top contenders are said to include Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. Less traditional choices mentioned include former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge, an abortion-rights supporter, and Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent."
Nice to see the AP is using the same quality spellcheckers that keep your average thirteen-year-old's blog safe and sound. Although as of right now, the article has been up for seventeen hours, so perhaps it wasn't a typographical error. I guess it's like they say, "the truth is an absolute defense against libel."
There's been a lot of talk about the new "Beverly Hills, 90210" spinoff coming out. Let me be the first to say, "Good luck" and "it won't work."
Sorry. I give it a year of heavily-hyped media attention, then a quick fade.
The original "90210" was a surprise hit. Back in 1991, FOX took a chance and aired new episodes of the show over the summer, thus breaking the long-standing policy of the big three networks to only show reruns over the summer months.
Let me correct myself. I say they took a chance, in reality they were just desperate. Fox was airing shows like Drexell's Class, Get A Life, Haywire, and Parker Lewis Can't Lose, some of which lasted so briefly, even wikipedia doesn't remember them. At the time, 90210 wasn't even in the top hundred shows, so they literally had nothing to lose.
And so they did it, and it worked out. Dylan and Brenda's summer romance was the talk of the nation, at least among the coveted young female demographic. The show gained popularity, spun off two shows, and quickly went downhill. Worse, almost every actor left the show at one point or another. Worst of all, Brian Austin Green wasn't one of the actors who left.
The show was a fireball, a product whose legend far exceeds it's actual use. Sure, people remember the chants of "Donna Martin Graduates," but who recalls the murder of Dylan's fiance? Or Vanessa Marcil and Donna turning out to be cousins and half-sisters? Or when everybody realized that Andrea was in her 30's and still in high school, like Cameron Crowe?
Do we need another "90210"? What's to be gained from reimagining the show? That current young female demographic doesn't remember the show, they remember "The OC" and "Dawson's Creek."
They have their own memories. A new "90210" is like hearing a song you used to love when you were a kid and enjoying it, then realizing it wasn't that great anyway and going on to the next one.
This week's PopCast returns with a hot, freshly prepared batch of pop culture and sarcasm. Please do not use the PopCast and attempt to operate heavy machinery unless you have someone filming you at all times. Also, we talk about...
-- What is "synchronized diving," and why is it on my TV? -- The Olympics: How to tell a sport from a grand waste of time -- Bret Michaels uses VH1 to pick up chicks again -- The Batman-Different Strokes Web Of Doom -- Why "Big Brother" contestants don't appear to understand the show
More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.
I watched the Transformers movie last night. Five minutes after I finished with the movie, I couldn't remember anything about it. I vaguely remember making a joke about Shia LeBeouf drunk-driving his Transformer car, then a bunch of stuff blew up, then Megan Fox was sweaty, then there were more explosions, and it ended with the Transformers peacefully standing guard over the main characters while they made out, which was kind of creepy.
Anyway, that's two hours of explosions already in the past. The larger issue here is football season. For the second straight year, I'll be opening the Reid About It Fantasy Football League. If you'd like to play but are new to Fantasy Football, don't worry. I've been playing for fifteen years and last season, I still finished seventh of eight and was so bad, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made a personal phone call to me to knock it off.
If you'd like to play, drop me a line at snowfire51/at/gmail.com (email tweaked to avoid spammers). It's free and fun for everybody, usually except me.
I'm going to let that sink in for a minute. Now I'll tell you that it was a birthday present for himself. Yep. Sitting naked in a food prep table bubble bath is the ultimate gift.
The video was pulled pretty quickly, and Burger King Corporation said it has parted ways with...well, everybody.
Burger King said they disposed of all kitchen tools and utensils used in the incident, and are retraining the staff in "health and sanitation procedures."
To begin with, the fact that naked guy was using kitchen tools to clean himself adds a whole new level to the shock and awe of this story. What "health and sanitation procedures" could Mr. Burger King possibly be teaching his employees?
Lesson One: Get your dirty, naked ass out of the sink. Lesson Two: Keep your dirty, naked ass out of the sink.
I love to go shopping. I don't even call it "shopping," I refer to it as a "purchasing excursion." It's not for any financial reasons, but more for the freakshow and bizarre products that I seem to always run across.
Last time, to begin with, I met this festively dressed woman in the parking lot. I resisted the urge to take a bat and crack her open to see if candy and toys poured out.
In the beverage aisle, this product caught my eye. This really unnerves me. It's an A&W Root Beer float in a bottle, just sitting there on the shelf at room temperature.
Call me wacky, but that's not usually how I like my ice cream.
This contains nitrous oxide. Should I be eating anything that contains the same ingredient that powers rocket engines?
How nice. Guitar Hero now comes loaded with Aerosmith, just like Aerosmith used to come loaded to all of their shows.
How much extra would I have to pay for this game to stop right before they recorded that love song to a meteor?
There was a sale on toilet paper, now with aloe and vitamin E. I never even thought to ask about this one.
You know, if your rectum needs vitamins and aloe, you might want to rethink your dietary habits. You might want to cut down on your intake of red meat and wicker furniture.
It may not be necessary to eat an entire bowl of rope for breakfast every morning.
I almost bought this, a Spider-Man shower curtain. No real reason, I was just amused by the thought of a super-hero needing to get cleaned up after a hard night of crime-fighting.
It kind of takes the edge off to think about Batman peeling the sweaty leather suit off of him and needing a scrub down, doesn't it?
Finally on my way out of the store, I saw this display featuring Brett Favre for John Madden Football 2009.The Curse of Madden Football rides again. Apparently, not even being retired can protect you from its icy grasp.
No matter how far away from football you get, the curse can still reach you, drag you back in, and make you play for the Jets.
My nice, quiet dinner table conversation this weekend was shattered by a war whoop, followed by a human train of wait staff snaking their way through the restaurant, clapping and singing their particular version of "Happy Birthday" to a table full of revelers and trying to get the entire building to sing along.
As a room full of bright-vested people tried in vain to feign interest in an impromptu get-together for a person they'd never met before, I tried to block out the clamor and just go back to eating. I uttered a silent prayer the brownie-bearing ringleader wouldn't spot my disdain for forced enthusiasm, and single me out.
There! Him! He is the one who does not clap along with us! Attack him! Punish him! Beset him from all sides, and force a festive had 'pon his head!
I detest it when waitresses try and press gang me into service to sing "Happy Birthday" to a total stranger while my food gets cold. While your cup of soda stays empty, and your queso remains God-knows-where in the kitchen, your waiter sings and dances around a sombrero for the amusement of someone who's not even sitting in his section.
If I wanted to go to a birthday party for someone I don't know, I'd get a job at Chuck E. Cheese. I don't want to be pressured into singing for a total stranger. What if that guy is planning on celebrating his birthday by getting drunk, robbing a gas station, and then blowing up an abortion clinic later? I don't want to encourage him.
And maybe it's not that good of a deal for him either. Let's face it, if you're spending your birthday in a chain restaurant eating something called "Happy Day Nachos" and drinking a "Sunrise-A-Rita", simply having some teenage strangers singing to you in hopes you'll leave a big tip is not going to turn your life around.
Why don't they just pass around a hat quietly and take donations, and instead of leaving a tip for the hypersexed sorority waitstaff, we can all throw in a buck and the birthday boy eats for free? If he's hitting a milestone birthday, I'd throw in a few bucks to help him drink away the pain of time.
Or better yet, why don't they just give him the use of one of the waiters/waitresses for an evening? That way, everybody's happy and I can get my Cheez Fries delivered before the rest of my meal arrives.
ABC: Desperate Housewives -- Susan trips over things, Bree is uptight, Lynette tricks Tim, Gaby is a sociopath (repeat). ABC: Lost -- In a cruel twist, the Oceanic 7 are picked to be on the new season of "Big Brother." ABC: Extreme Home Makeover -- The gang makes over Neverland Ranch in an attempt to make it more kid-friendly, with disasterous results. CBS: Two-And-A-Half Men -- Charlie and Alan discuss with Jake how it's possible that their show has been on for five years, and yet no one has any memories of ever watching it. CBS: CSI: Duluth NBC: ER -- For the 14th consecutive year, horrible things happen at County General Hospital, which must have been built on an Indian burial ground or something. NBC: Deal or No Deal -- Howie Mandel gets America to laugh at a woman who just swapped $100,000 for a roll of quarters. NBC: America's Got Talent -- Live coverage proves actually no, it doesn't. FOX: 24 -- Jack Bauer finds his new mission is to free Keifer Sutherland from jail. FOX: Family Guy -- Peter equates Brian's rabies with the time he worked as P-Diddy's pool cleaner. MTV: Pimp My Mom VH1: I Love Yesterday Morning ESPN: Live coverage of Brett Favre sitting in traffic. NFL NETWORK: Fashion Week -- Live coverage of ESPN's coverage of Brett Favre. VH1: Behind the Music -- The tragic fate of Josie and the Pussycats. BRAVO: Inside The Actor's Studio -- Examines Christopher Walken's career, from up and coming weirdo to highly respected creepy bastard. TRAVEL: "Branson, Wal-Mart's Las Vegas" FOOD: "Cooking for Bulemics"
This week's PopCast returns with a batch of fresh headlines, and why it's impossible to read the news and maintain a smile. Also...
-- Why Big Brother contestants don't seem to have ever watched the show before -- That new "Twilight" book that I don't get, either -- Snoop Dogg gets busted, yet again -- Why I'm afraid of new Beatles tapes -- How video killed the movie-reviewer show -- And why I think Professional Paintball is like "The Last Starfighter"
More discussion and sarcasm available on the PopCast, as always.
Rapper Eminem is being sued by a guy who claims he got punched by Em in a strip club back in 2006.
No offense, but this would probably have been a better lawsuit to file immediately. Em hasn't had a hit in five years, and rappers aren't really renowed for hanging on to their royalty money. At this point, all the court might be able to award you is a pair of sneakers and a notebook filled with lyrics about killing his ex-wife.
This is like me waiting to sue one of those Hanson punks for spilling a drink on me back in 1998. There's a statute of limitations there.
Like many of you, I sell things on EBay from time to time. For the last couple of days, I've had quite a lot of unintentional fun with something I listed. I sold a portable radio, the kind they use in ambulances. I admittedly know nothing about the specifics of the radio, so I clearly wrote in the auction "I'm not familiar with all of the details on the radio, frequencies, etc..." and included several pictures of the radio and the settings and frequency ranges, so people who knew more about it could examine it and see if it was what they were looking for.
Apparently, I got a winning bidder who couldn't read so well. It starts with this.
NoGED81: I want my monet back! this radio does not work . had promgamed does not talk to my radios
Not sure what he's asking, or why it's my fault. Or worse yet, why he wants his "Monet" back. I didn't even know he had sent me art. Time for a polite, businesslike response.
Me: I don't understand what you're saying. You're saying the radio works and you programmed it, but it doesn't talk to your other radios? Please explain, sorry for any inconvenience.
Next thing I know, I get an email from a strange address.
TrayLRPRK69: This radio has the wrong bandsplit for our other radios. As far as I can tell, it transmits, but it will not work with our system.
Weird. Suddenly I'm talking to two people. Rather than I assume, or make the obvious gay joke about his "partner", I clarify.
Me: Are you also "TrayLRPRK69"? I got a message tonight from someone with that name that I have had no contact with on ebay. Is that you?
I was correct, which leads to another rash of misspellings.
NoGED81: yes ,i was useing my partner computer,not sure why it sent his name , im not happy with this radio.what are u willing to do ? (email addy & phone number included)
Understood. Too bad, however. What am I willing to do? I'm willing to explain at great length how any simpleton should have been able to see what he was buying.
Me: Sorry for any inconvenience, but there's nothing I can do. You purchased a radio, and I sold you a working radio. I was clear in the item description that I knew nothing about the frequencies, and I included a picture of the back of the radio so people could look up the unit if they wanted more information. I sold you a working radio, and I'm sorry if it doesn't correspond with other radios you're currently using. However, my description of the item was correct and the item is in working condition.
Well, logic is exhausted. Next up on the gameplan of the truly desperate is threats.
NoGED81: you did not say 880-h-3. and i think you knew so i will be giving bad feed back ! and then i will sell it back on ebay letting people know who ,where i got this radio from,thanks alot.
Yep, he's losing it. Still, time for a polite response. Businesslike, but not wavering.
Me: Sorry again for your inconvenience, but all I can do is make out an accurate auction description and include pictures. I included the picture of the back of the item, which clearly marks this unit as a TK-880H-3. I was up front about the fact I didn't know much about the frequencies of the radio, that's why I included everything about it in the description and pictures. I'm not sure why you're angry at me for selling you a working radio that was exactly as I described it.
And anger soon turns to incoherence.
NoGED81: You did not say it was 880h-3 you knew.thats why you put it in a picture! I put it back on e bay as a 880h-3 will see what it sells for then ill give your feed back letting all know . we dont you on ebay you give it a bad name !
Okay, at this point, I'm through apologizing. I'm sure I'm going to get a negative feedback from this guy, so it's time to get my money's worth.
Me: "Q: You did not say it was 880h-3 you knew.thats why you put it in a picture!"
Enlighten me, here. So I sold you a perfectly functional radio, with full information and extra pictures, and I'm to blame because you didn't actually look at the item?
"I put it back on e bay as a 880h-3 will see what it sells for then ill give your feed back letting all know ."
Not sure what you're saying here, but I listed an item with accurate description and pictures, sold it to you, and shipped it in a very timely manner. I've done nothing wrong, and see no reason for negative feedback.
"--we dont you on ebay you give it a bad name !"
No idea what that means. There don't seem to be enough words in that sentence.
I have 674 positive feedbacks on completed transactions over the past eight years. I stand by my record.
So, the gloves are off.
NoGED81: accurate description and you left out that it was h-3 .god takes care people like you . sleep good .
Now that was a hard left turn, eh? I sell this guy a working radio, and he's calling down the wrath of the Holy Spirit on me.
Me: "accurate description and you left out that it was h-3 ."
What part of "I'm not familiar with all of the details on the radio, frequencies, etc..." did you not understand? Was it the same part where you didn't bother to look at the extra pictures I posted so my bidders could examine the radio and tell for themselves if it was the model they wanted?
"god takes care people like you ."
No, God takes care of people who can read, and look at pictures. The rest of you are on your own.
"--sleep good ."
Sleep well.
At this point, he may be having trouble reading the emails.
NoGED81: "DECEPTIVE"
Brevity is the soul of wit, especially if you only comprehend a few words.
Me: How is me entering the description of the item including pictures that told you EXACTLY the information you're saying I withheld being deceptive? It's not like I typed it in Spanish, or showed blurry pictures.
We're rolling now, aren't we?
NoGED81: "DID YOU LEAVE OUT THAT IT WAS -3"
Just keep banging on that drum, Chester.
Me: To begin with, congratulations on finding that Caps Lock button. That makes the misspellings and lack of punctuation much easier to deal with, thanks.
I think the question here is, did you even bother to look at the pictures, read the description, or look at anything other than the word "radio" on the auction? Did you ever use the "PgDn" button? Have you ever? It's a nifty little invention, saves a lot of time, there might be more pictures or information down there that could be relevant, especially since the auction plainly states that I don't know much about the radio's frequencies.
While you're there, you could also hit the Print button and shoot off a copy of the pictures I took for you, and take it to the labs to have somebody decipher that oh-so-cryptic TK-880H-3 written plainly on the back of the radio that you say doesn't exist. It's not exactly the Dead Sea Scrolls. It's pretty clear right there in the top right corner of the unit.
See? Pictures just aren't pretty. Sometimes they show us things, too.
Back to the Big Lie Theory. Repeat.
NoGED81: "Description Kenwood TK-880H UHF Two-Way Mobile Radio this is a paste copy of your e-bay read it"
He's out of words, apparently.
Me: Good point, why actually answer a question or think for yourself when you can cut and paste?
That was my description, yes. How can you say that's a deception when that's exactly what it said on the back of the radio, and I told you I didn't know much about the radio or its frequencies?
I don't have to read it. I wrote it. I used punctuation, and capitalization, and everything. Not that that's a hint or anything.
So what you're saying is all you read from this auction was the title, and bought the auction without even looking up any pertinent information? I went to a lot of work writing that out and taking the pictures, you know. From what you're telling me, I might as well have posted pictures of crop circles or dogs playing poker, because you weren't going to bother looking at them anyway.
If I sold you a Mustang, and told you I didn't know much about cars, would you bother looking at it before you buy it, or would you just assume it was the exact year and model you were looking for? Would you bother to look at the pictures to make sure you weren't buying a billygoat, perhaps?
I was certain I'd get bad feedback out of this one, and even more sure there would be at least one misspelling in it. Here's the feedback he posted.
NoGED81: Left out info in Description ,Told me to look @pictures Not Helpful."DECEPTIVE"
Not technically misspelled, but that spacing and capitalization sure could use some work. However, here's his response to my completely factual feedback of him.
"SLOW SHIPPING, LISTING WAS 880H-3 NOT 880H,TWO DIFF RADIOS.ASHOLE"
You know anybody else who's been called an asshole on eBay by a functional illiterate? I wear that like a badge of honor.
The newest thing at Sonic Drive-In is the "Super Sonic Breafast Toaster," made with grilled onions.
To begin with, a "Super Sonic Toaster" sounds like something that Superman would use to make breakfast.
And grilled onions at breakfast? That's just not something I'm ready for that early in the morning. Why would you roll out of bed, brush your teeth, floss, and gargle, only to zip through a drive-through and eat a pile of grilled onions?
There's no grilled-onion-flavored toothpaste. I think there's a reason for that.
Hey kids! Look at what we get to do! We get to wait in line at Wal-Mart! It's just like the time Daddy took you to Six Flags, only at the end of the line we don't get to ride the roller coaster, we only get to walk out into a barely-lit parking lot with no security.
"But Daddy," you say, "isn't that line the 'Express' line you always talk about, the one that's supposed to be super-duper quick and fast?"
Ha-HA! Good one, kids.
Here is where the next line is. Can you see it? No? That's because it's all the way at the other end of the store, so far away you'd need to ride one of those Harry Potter brooms to reach it. But those people headed down there are falling for an old trick, just watch! That exit of Wal-Mart is closed after ten o'clock. Ha! Imagine their faces when they have to walk to the other end of the store to check out, then realize they have to walk all the way back up here to get out! Won't that be fun? Please don't repeat any of the words they say, kids.
This is the woman who works at the register right next to the one where we're waiting. Doesn't she look happy? Happy happy happy. She should be happy because she's taking her break, and will not deal with us no matter how long the lines are. Don't worry, she doesn't make eye contact with anyone, kiddies. It's not just you.
When we leave here, we're going to take an international vacation, and Daddy's going to have some pancakes.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately, hoping for inspiration. After reading several crime thrillers and being disappointed, I've decided to write my own non-cliched novel.
